Celebrating George W. Bush's Secret Presidential Life
By Richard Rapaport
Washington DC, July 6, 2046: Today is a special day when patriotic Americans celebrate the centenary of our beloved 43rd President. It is fitting that our nation's two most important holidays, Independence Day, and George Bush's birthday, are within days of each other.
As part of this, the Bush 100th Birthday Bash, mid-21st Century Americans are invited to recall George Bush's Lincolnian ability to "fool all of the people," into believing he was an uncaring, dim, freedom-destroying, war-mongering, free-market-worshipping, Robin-Hood-in-reverse. Today, of course, we recognize that quite the opposite was true.
In 2046, as all but the most credulous now know, only through George Bush's elaborate right-wing pretense was the nation able to achieve the social justice, economic equality, universal pensions, comprehensive healthcare and environmental awareness for which he is today so celebrated. Sadly, it was only following George Bush's unfairly mocked Presidency that social scientists began to peel away the pretense under which GW so brilliantly veiled his stealthy career of left-wing activism.
Take, for example, George Bush's brilliant ruse in 2006 and 2007 of pretending to ignore the skyrocketing price of gas and heating oil. How else, except for his pretend disdain for the "little people," could our beloved President have so thoroughly hoodwinked his Texas oil industry "chums?" So sure were they of Presidential support that they never thought twice about raising the price of gasoline to the $15 a gallon that began the calls for the nationalization of Big Oil.
In a similar way, it is clear that unless George Bush had not quietly pushed his own secret "green" agenda, America would not be the ecology-minded nation it is in 2046. The President's ploy to simply refuse to acknowledge the natural environment, let alone warn against global warming, was as brilliant as it was simple. His silence in the face of melting icecaps and inundated cities created - exactly as he knew it would - the kind of dissonance that whipped the nation into the frenzy of environmental "Jacobinism" that characterized the 2010s. Today, we understand that the then-puzzling walkout by U.S. delegates to the 2005 Montreal talks on global warming, was a chapter in George Bush's elaborate reverse psychology pretense of willful environmental ignorance.
And who of us today don't chortle at President Bush's seemingly dim, and as-we-now-know, contrived, disregard as one cornerstone American corporation after another followed United Airlines and General Motors into bankruptcy to shed their pension obligations. Today, we honor George Bush for his steadfast refusal to address the issue until the majority of corporations had already declared bankruptcy. How else in K Street-controlled, early 21st Century Washington, could the President have achieved universal government-run retirement coverage except by waiting for large corporations to collapse under the weight of their pension obligations?
One of the compelling proofs of George Bush's deadly-earnest, left-wing political agenda was the extraordinary way he managed to bring about what we today celebrate as "American Neo-Isolationism." For years, political scientists puzzled over such seemingly self-defeating actions as appointing John Bolton as UN Ambassador or sending Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, to Germany in late 2005 to flub Administration denials of secret torture facilities in Europe.
By the middle of his second term, George Bush was well on his way to achieving something no other President had ever imagined: Leaving America virtually friendless and despised around the world. This program of international nose-thumbing was highly successful in encouraging China, Arabia and the EU to call in trillions of dollars of accumulated American debt. Today, thanks to President Bush's cleverly-worked hostility to the rest of the world, we are now well on our way to paying off the national debt levied by creditor nations, At the present rate, we can easily pay off "the Bush Levee" as we call it, well within the next hundred years.
Today we recognize the genius of George Bush's fervent, yet hidden belief in socialized health-care in the dozens of insanely complex, expensive Medicare prescription drug benefits he sanctioned during his second term. As Bush biographers now agree, allowing drug companies to charge American seniors insane prices for life-saving medicines was key to the brilliant ruse that helped move the country towards the free health care we enjoy today.
Back in the 'aughts,' popular opinion held that no one but a crazy man would throw away the technology and scientific advantage enjoyed by America until the first decade of the 21st Century. Crazy-like-a-fox President Bush, however, recognized that by "encouraging" scientists, doctors and researchers to sign the 2007 "Intelligent Design Loyalty Oath," he could help democratize fields of endeavor that, he felt, had been unfairly monopolized by the so-called "Scientific/Medical/Technology Complex."
The result was a brilliant piece of Bush-initiated social jujitsu that had the effect of ending the contentious illegal immigration problem. Instead of banging on America's door, the world's yearning masses turned instead to China, India, and other nations that assumed the burden of world scientific and economic leadership that President Bush prudently lifted from America's tiring shoulders.
Nor, today, can we help but feel sympathy for George Bush over the unfair beating he took with revelations of domestic spying programs that secretly monitored the phone calls, emails and banking transactions of millions of Americans. We now know that those programs were nothing less than an enlightened, last ditch effort by the President to salvage threatened basic privacy rights. The ploy, so obvious to us today, was to attack the right to privacy in such crude and obviously unconstitutional ways that even a weak-minded Congress would be forced to address the issue of overbearing Presidential powers. We agree today that it was unfair for the media to blame President Bush simply because a brain-dead Congress refused to take up his challenge.
It is a sad truth that it took us decades to recognize George Bush as the radical idealist he truly was. Karl Rove, for example, upon his 2020 release from the Allenwood Federal Re-Socialization Facility, could not hide his dismay at the revelations then beginning to gain credence. "George and Laura couldn't have fooled us more if they had turned out to be Bill and Hillary in disguise," Rove commented bitterly.
From his own Allenwood cell, however, 97-year old former conservative broadcaster, Bill O'Reilly, claims to have known about George Bush's ruse from the beginning: "I always thought there simply had to be more to George Bush than met the eye," the still-incommunicado O'Reilly was reported to have told fellow inmates.