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My President is an Alien

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Because I'm a real American, I've watched a lot of Science Fiction movies. I've learned how to identify extraterrestrial baddies that weasel their way into the heartland. That's why, when I was watching the President's State-of-the-Union address last night, the truth finally dawned on me. George Bush is an alien.

You may find this hard to believe. You've probably heard that the President behaves strangely because he's Barbara Bush's son. But consider this: Sci-Fi movies teach us five ways to identify aliens. Bush tests positive for all five.

The first rule for alien detection is to recognize that they practice mind control. Extraterrestrials hypnotize humans into believing things that are not true. George Bush claims to be a strong leader, who has kept America safe. He states that he is strengthening the economy and providing a better future for all Americans. He even says he is an environmentalist. Are these claims true? Not even close.

Lurking in the shadows behind the President is the White House propaganda machine, under the direction of the unearthly Karl Rove. Around the clock they turn their hypnotic rays on the American public. Each day they transmit a different Rovian theme: Hillary is bad. We've killed Al Qaeda's number three leader. Iraqis love us. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

The second rule for spotting aliens is to notice that they see things that none of the rest of us can see. And, regular Americans see things that the baddies don't notice. George W. Bush saw WMDs in Iraq when regular Americans didn't. On the other hand, Bush doesn't see the danger of global warming, when we do. In the President's state-of-the-union address, Bush saw signs of "dramatic progress" in Iraq. He claimed our economy is "vigorous," the direct result of tax cuts, which must be made permanent. On the other hand, Bush ignored the emerging power of China and the danger of "loose nukes."

The third rule is that aliens don't have the same values that we do. On Bush World, or wherever they came from, the President and his cronies only learned one rule: eat before you get eaten. That's why they sneer at us for trying to help our fellow Americans, treating others folks as we would want to be treated ourselves. Their motto is, "What's in it for me?" That's why they hate us - they see our desire to help one another as a weakness.

It's clear that the President doesn't have the same values as the rest of us because he ignores our Constitution. He bugs our phones, spies on our religious gatherings, and holds our citizens in judicial limbo. He unapologetically does whatever he feels like doing. He calls himself our president but he acts like our emperor. Of course, that's the way they run things back on his home planet.

The fourth rule for spotting aliens is to notice that they stick close together - they run in packs. Many have observed that George Bush doesn't seem to listen to public opinion; he only gets counsel from a small group of cronies, and his mom. Well duh, he only hangs with his fellow aliens. Have you ever looked into the eyes of Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld? Scary, huh? One glance at their beady red orbs and you know the truth - they're aliens.

Have you ever wondered why the President doesn't make real public appearances, but only speaks in carefully orchestrated settings where the audience is kept far away from him? That's because he's wearing makeup to hide his scaly skin and camouflage his fangs. Remember the candidate debate with John Kerry during the 2004 elections? TV cameras caught Bush with a mysterious lump on his back. What do you think that was? You're right, a tail.

Of course, the fifth and final rule for detecting aliens is noticing that that they have no long term plans - they don't plan to retire here. They're heading back to Bush World as soon as they complete their assignment.

So what is the Bush Administration after? Think about it, what do all alien invaders in Sci-Fi movies want? They want our wealth, our women, and our workers. They want our natural resources because they've run out on Bush World. They want our women for god-only-knows-what-kind-of debauchery. Only their ideal woman doesn't think; that's why they hate Hilary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi, and hold up Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as role models. And, they want cheap labor to work around the clock in their alien factories, to supply Wal-Mart with cheap goods. (BTW: The owners of Wal-Mart are also aliens.)

Now that I've scared you out of your wits, you ask what are we going to do? How can we rid America of this alien scourge?

Remember that aliens are vulnerable because they're not used to our environment. They choke on clean air and water, gag on healthy food free from pesticides and additives. Their greatest vulnerability is taking themselves seriously. It drives them crazy to be made fun of. To be reminded that they're not, in fact, real Americans.

But, of course, no real American would do the things they do. Just keep reminding yourself, George Bush and his cronies aren't patriots, they're aliens.
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Bob Burnett is a Berkeley writer. In a previous life he was one of the executive founders of Cisco Systems.
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