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I have become a Chinese crocodile

By       Message Bill Wetzel     Permalink
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I have just discovered that I am a Chinese crocodile.
 
I’ll tell you why in a minute.
 
You know, renting movies online might be the greatest thing ever known to man. Or it could be the worst.
 
It depends on your point of view.
 
For one thing it’s convenient. Probably too convenient. All you have to do is get on your computer, pick what you want to watch, then you get it in the mail a few days later and when you’re done they give you a convenient postage paid envelope to send it back in.
 
This requires about as little effort as possible.
 
Now back to the Chinese crocodiles.
 
A few years ago I read an article about how the population of crocodiles in a Chinese zoo had stagnated because the male crocodiles wouldn’t mate with the females. All those years of zoo living was too easy. Their food was brought to them, they didn’t have to hunt for it, they didn’t swim anywhere, they just kicked back in their little enclosures and ate all the time. So when it came time to mate, these guys were too fat and lazy to do it. I can imagine a female crocodile, going through the motions trying to seduce a male, things look like they could be going somewhere and then all of sudden he’s just like: “F**k it, I gotta take a nap before dinner time, ZZZZZzzzzzzz.”
 
Life is too easy.
 
For them.
 
And me.
 
It used to be some of my best exercise was getting out of the house to go to Blockbuster. From time to time, I’d even walk back. And even when I was there, I’d have to do things like get on my tip-toes to reach the top shelf and so on. But not anymore.
 
I just go to the mailbox.
 
And what’s worse is “the movies” has always been one of my primary dating events. I love film. I love women. I don’t like small talk. Psh, nothing easier than making a connection while sitting in silence at a movie.
 
But now whenever something comes out, I know that my chubby little self can just wait for the dvd to one day come straight to my mailbox.
 
“F**k it, I’ll wait ‘til it comes out on video.”
 
That’s like my own personal rallying cry nowadays.
 
So tonight, I decided to make my own version of a fast-food classic for dinner, one of those KFC Shame Bowls. Or as comedian Patton Oswalt calls them: “ a Pile of Failure in a Sadness Bowl.” You just have this big bowl of mashed potatoes, corn, chicken strips, cheese and gravy all permeated into one sad, tragic, delicious dish. They are so easy to make it’s sick too. It's wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. And to top this all off, I got a few movies from Blockbuster in the mail.
 
Then I got a message in my inbox.
 
From this girl I know from school.
 
Now I think we all know I’m a pretty sexy guy, right? I mean if short, chubby and funny is your idea of sexy. So from time to time, I do get a female admirer. Make that an assertive female admirer. I guess if: “It’s a new year…. Wanna have sex?” is your idea of assertive anyway.
 
So what was my reaction?
 
I mull it over a few times.
 
Think: “Hmmmm… let’s see… I would have to get dressed in some regular clothes, leave the house, go to her place… that seems like a lot of work.”
 
“F**k it, I gotta watch those dvds I got in the mail today and take a nap before dinner, ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.”
 
Like I said, I have now become a Chinese crocodile. 
 

 

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http://twitter.com/billthebutcher2
Bill Wetzel is Amskapi Pikuni aka Blackfeet from Montana. He's a former bull rider/wrestler turned writer and a coauthor of the short story collection "The Acorn Gathering." His work has appeared in or is forthcoming from the American Indian Culture (more...)
 

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