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Where Can I Get a Lockbox?

By       Message Liz ODonnell     Permalink
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The most important discovery for me so far during this election year is that of the testicle lockbox.  I had never heard of such a device until Rush Limbaugh started referring to Senator Hillary Clinton as having one. I was at once intrigued. This mysterious box seemed to make Mr. Limbaugh nervous and I assume it was somehow connected to MSNBC's Tucker Carlson's involuntary leg-crossing every time he heard Senator Clinton speak. Then I read that Senator McCain was in one of these lockboxes after he choose Governor Palin as his running mate. I had to know more.  

I found this description of the testicle lockbox on UrbanDictionary.com.

"A figurative device, in which a woman holds a man's manhood, preventing him from acting as per his natural state. Implicit in this arrangement is that the woman has means of reprisal against the man, and should he misbehave, grave consequences await."-

 

I have to get one.

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I don't plan to actually use my lockbox. I just want to possess it. I want to take it to work with me and display it on my desk. I think my lockbox will help me feel better when one of my coworkers, despite my correcting him weekly, continues to refer to the "girls"- in the office. 

I plan to subtlety pick it up the next time the facilities manager comes into my office to fix my broken heater and says, "I'd be happy to keep you warm."- And maybe if I bring my lockbox into the conference room during the next team meeting, the boss won't just ask for input from all of the male vice-president's in the room. He might ask the opinion of the female directors too.

 

I definitely want to pack my lockbox the next time I travel with our sales rep. Maybe if he knows I'm wielding one of these devices he will refrain from commenting on the breasts of all of the women we see. And when he refers to me again as a "ball-buster,"- like he did three times on our last trip, he will be correct both figuratively and literally.

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Liz O'Donnell is a freelance writer from Dedham, Massachusetts. She writes about F words, feminism, forties, fashion and family.

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