(Washington DC) In a rare display of muscle-flexing, the Prince of Darkness made an historic appearance just prior to the 2012 U.S. Presidential elections in order to gobble up both U.S. political parties in a hostile takeover that shocked no one.
I.P Daley, also of Springfield, remarked, "Why not the greater-evil argument? Ha? Why be pussies about it?"
Evil has risen substantially with indicators rebounding to near historic highs. Las Vegas odds are running even as to whether a new world record can be reached sometime during Barack Obama's second term. Similar betting on the probability of a nuclear Armageddon and Holocaust has Vegas odds makers scratching their heads as to how they will collect their winnings, in a purely technical sense. As academic as that sounds, others have also questioned the ability for the human race to survive if reckless wars of aggression and state murder become normalized. Some have questioned, "Where does it end?", but thankfully those sorts of wingnuts don't appear on TV.
A branding change has entered the fray, and future elections will feature either the Demipublicans or the Republocrats, depending upon how well each of the names test-market in focus groups. Satan believes in downsizing the political process by combining both machines into one in order to lay off most of the work force. He's already tapped Mitt Romney and Bain to manage the shakeup. Romney, who is a close friend of Lucifer's, indicated how happy he would be to do the Dark One's bidding. Despite losing to Obama, Romney remains chipper and optimistic about his own future.
President Obama also enjoys an optimistic outlook with his new four-year mandate to wreak havoc across planet earth. Astounded that he was able to break nearly all of his campaign promises and expose himself as completely untrustworthy and a tool of the international bankster mafia as well as a corporate shill, yet still able to achieve re-election, Mr. Obama continues to joyfully hammer away at the tips of the big doomsday bombs he controls.
When the president's foreign policy of sponsoring and supporting Jihadi terrorist brigades in Libya and Syria was exposed in some press outlets, the president became wary and fearful of a public-opinion turnaround. Luckily, through secret backroom dealings, Satan's efforts proved decisive and helped manage the news reported by the corporate media. Americans are assured now of a constant stream of Satan-approved propaganda devoid of conflicted off-message trivia. Similarly, Obama's blow-torch modern-art experiments on the U.S. Constitution were spun for domestic consumption by the corporate entertainment "news" media complex, and Satan stepped up to help distract the great majority of voters from being able to think.
The evil distractions have been so well implemented that Satan believes he could potentially dismember and cook the public's body parts while Americans played their X-Boxes and tapped on their Smart Phones, without them even noticing.
"By making the phones significantly smarter than the users, we control the entire thing," said Lucifer in a rare off-the-cuff drug-and-hooker party attended by top celebrity pundits and billionaires.
"We love our evil masters," has been the sentiment expressed throughout corporate America, and the future holds promise for both monolithic conformity and the expansion of evil in new creative ways through technology. Already mass surveillance is considered the new gold rush, but Satan's projections are far from met. Citing the city of London and its millions of cameras surveilling the population's every step, Satan hopes a new Renaissance of Total Information Awareness will sweep the US in a frenzy of paranoia and security hysteria. Stay up on new opportunities in the watching-your-co-citizens sector, and remember to keep your eyes and ears open. The Dark Lord commands it.
Get back to work.