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The Burning Platform has gotten a huge scoop regarding the Greek bailout that occurred over the weekend. I was able to obtain a transcript of a Saturday phone call between Helicopter Ben and Jean Claude Trichet, the head of the European Central Bank.

Ben: Jean Claude, you numbskull. I told you fiscal responsibility wouldn't work. The Greeks like their free sh*t. Everybody likes free sh*t. You can't take free sh*t away from government workers and not expect them to burn stuff down.

Jean Claude: Ben, I'm dying here. This is the Greek governments fault. They over-promised, overspent, colluded with Goldman Sachs to lie about their true finances, and have brought the EU to the brink of disaster.

Ben: So? What's the big deal. Goldman and the other banks that pay me, bring the world financial system to its knees every 5 years of so. It's all in good fun. Goldman has already agreed to hire me as a consultant for $50 million a year when I'm done this gig. Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

Jean Claude: If I bail out these losers I will create more moral hazard. The message will be that you can run the finances of your country into the ground and their are no consequences. Spain, Ireland, Italy, and Portugal will have no incentive to fix their economies and take the necessary steps to rein in out of control entitlement spending.

Ben: Jean, Jean, Jean. Don't you realize you have the greatest weapon ever created? A EURO PRINTING PRESS!!!! No need for fiscal austerity. No need for entitlement cuts. No need to act like a grownup. You are soooo Old School. You know I'm an Expert on the Great Depression. It says so on my resume. At Princeton, my students thought my class was awesome. You need to print $1 trillion of fresh new Euros and promise to use them to defend the Euro.

Jean Claude: How can printing $1trillion of new debt save the EU from a problem that was created by too much debt? It doesn't make sense. Wouldn't printing $1 trillion new Euros make the existing Euros less valuable?

Ben: Now now Jean Claude. That is crazy talk. Just tell everyone that inflation is well contained, fake the government inflation figures, and keep repeating it. The bigger the lie, the more likely the ignorant masses will believe it. I'm sure your ignorant masses aren't smarter than mine.

Jean Claude: Wouldn't I just be delaying the eventual reckoning? We can't all inflate away our obligations at the same time, can we?

Ben: Of course this will end in an inflationary collapse. There is no doubt about that. The goal is to postpone it until we are no longer in office. Let the poor schmuck who takes over next deal with that problem. That f*cker Greenspan did it to me. That prick blew up the biggest bubble in history and hit the road, writing books and selling his services like a whore to Wall Street. He is f*cking brilliant. I want to grow up to be just like him.

Jean Claude: Ben, you are a genius. I hadn't thought about it that way. Do you think Goldman would pay me $50 million too.

Ben: Sure. They are a cash machine. I'm sure their brightest minds are thinking up a new derivative to f*ck the American people which will generate trillions in profits. I love those guys. Pure capitalists. As soon as you announce that you are printing $1 trillion worth of Euros, the pea brained monkey traders on Wall Street will go ape sh*t with glee. The markets will soar. Jim Cramer will claim credit for the rally. CNBC ratings will soar. All will be well.

Jean Claude: Thanks Ben. I really owe you. (Jean Claude heard yelling to his assistant- "FIRE UP THE PRINTING PRESSES IT IS TIME TO SAVE THIS motherf*cker")


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James Quinn is a senior director of strategic planning for a major university. James has held financial positions with a retailer, homebuilder and university in his 22-year career. Those positions included treasurer, controller, and head of (more...)
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