(with apologies to Shakespeare)
Friends, Patricians, Americans, lend me your ears.
I come to exonerate George Bush, not to impeach him.
Now noble Kucinich hath told you
most clearly, that Bush is ambitious,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
But if Bush be ambitious, is this so grievous?
Hath he not extended our Standard to farthest horizons?
Hath he not won for our treasuries, rich new tributaries.
How then should we impeach him for such largesse?
But Dennis Kucinich says George Bush is unjust,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
Yet, hath not Bush exacted vengeance,
so swift, so enlightened,
from the dark and swarthy benighted,
trampling the vile Musselmen into dust,
ploughing and salting their fertile fields
just as our forbearers did to Carthage?
Hath Bush, with perfect propriety,
not hoisted Tamerlane’s flag,
full black, to uproot their lineage,
leaving their women and children ashen-faced,
limbless, wailing, shrieking,weeping,
grim warning for the families of dogs and ingrates
who dare to challenge our privilege?
Is this not our Imperial prerogative?
But Dennis Kucinich says Bush is a corrupt man,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
Hath not George Bush elevated the Patricians,
the first citizens of our Imperial domains?
Hath not many of you, Congress members and Senators,
profited personally from his acquisitions?
Hath he not enriched the coffers of many a corporation,
magnifying thine own portfolio valuations,
while mightily enhancing vast privatization?
Be forewarned! Do not bite the hand that feeds you.
But Dennis Kucinich says Bush is a cruel man,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
To which I applaudingly say, “So what!”
Hath not George Bush grandly paraded
the wretched foes of our domains
across our screens, bound and chained?
Hath not he drawn and quartered, drowned and tortured
those worms who would challenge our Manifest Destiny?
Hath he not shamed the dark-skinned Iraqi
with nakedness, scourging, crucifixion,
while heaping disgrace upon the Koran?
Is this not befitting the enemies of God?
Hath Bush not restored the Holy Cross
of Pope Urban’s Crusaders for the final march?
How is one cruel to blasphemers
who have no souls to begin with?
But Dennis Kucinich says Bush is an intrusive man,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
Yes, our leader enveloped the nation
with spies, informers and vast eavesdropping,
but the better to monitor the wretched Plebian,
who wallows in grievance and ill-criticism
against the natural order of things,
the Patrician lineage of Aeneas!
How does one intrude upon chattel?
Hath he not instilled fear and fawning
in the wretched, ignorant, ungrateful masses
by extending the surveillance
of the NSA, CIA and FBI?
-knowing full-well we must now preempt
all puerile, hostile thoughts against
the novel Unitary Executive,
before whom we, in the Capitol,
are privileged to now bow daily.
But Dennis Kucinich petitions to impeach,
and Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
Forsooth, my woman’s heart is all aflame
with the smiling gaze of our sweet Caesar,
the bravest of men, most handsome Emperor,
who protects hearth and home from the dark barbarian,
ringing the globe with legionnaire outposts,
ensuring the compliance of the countless helots
who toil in our fields, rivers and factories,
uplifting our luxurious, envious economy,
their dull allegiance cheerfully maintained
by unleashing eagles’ claws to tear at their entrails
whenever they get the least out of line.
How then can we impeach such a caring leader,
our sun and moon, our al Qaeda conqueror?
So I say NO with jut-jawed defiance!
IMPEACHMENT IS NOT ON THE TABLE!
But Dennis Kucinich is an honorable man, is he not?
In response, I scoff.
Such honor in my House of thieves is lost.
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