You Can't Win If You Don't Play: The Bin Laden Mega-Lottery

"Now, you're talking real rupees!" Anonymous Pakistani bounty hunter upon hearing MEGA JACKPOT! MEGA FUN! MEGA RISK! Sure it's a risk. But throwing away five bucks twice a week adds up too. Better to be able to afford seventy-two beautiful virgins of your choosing while you're still alive than risk blowing yourself up and finding out your virgins all look like James Carville. Of course there will be the naysayers - mostly on those left-wing smear sites - maintaining that if someone knew where bin Laden is, increasing the offer from $25 million and $50, is a joke If it's such a joke, how come no one is laughing...I mean, except for the Hate-Bush crowd. Tell me having an extra $25 million wouldn't make life a bit less uncomplicated. Imagine being able to afford your own health insurance. Take that Michael "Hate-America That You Want Fully Insured" Moore. Plus this one gives you a home and new identity of your choice. I'd go with that $165 million Hearst house in Beverly Hills and George Clooney. Number one, I could probably flip it to some Saudi Arabian hoitie-toitie for a cool $150 mil. If I know my math - and being able to afford as many diamond-encrusted calculators as I wanted, I would - I just increased the original reward by nearly one thousand percent. That, my friend, isn't peanuts, unless we're talking perfectly preserved, million-year-old peanuts, in the trunk of that cute, baby wooly mammoth they just found. Tell me finding bin Laden wouldn't be easier than that, Mr. Moveon.org. And don't tell me the wife wouldn't be happier waking up every morning next to Rosemary's nephew than an obscure, over-fifty writer whose best hair is behind him...literally. Of course, there's always the added benefit of doing a solid for mankind. No matter what you think of bin Laden, there are hundreds of millions of people in America alone who would sleep safer knowing that one of the tens of thousands of al Quaeda members, just waiting for a chance to demolish our infrastructure, is no longer in action. Got to be worth at least a couple thousand booty calls on that alone. And just because you dropped a dime on Osama, it's not like you'd have to drop your own "kill the infidels" ambitions. An extra $25 mil goes a long way in financing your very own terrorist cell...in America. You don't have to use it all up. Remember the rule: Buy the cheapest terror cell in the neighborhood. Take a look at the business section. Cell fixer-uppers are becoming more and more affordable. It's a "fix it up, blow 'em up" dream come true. Look, any lottery unwon goes up in value. This one's five-years old. How big would Mega-millions be after five years? All and all, the money-carrot isn't such a farce, even to those who have pledged to destroy the American Satan and would just love to humiliate those who have are leading the fight against them. An Islamo-fascist fighting a war and making big-time bucks off of it at the same time? Don't tell me that wouldn't send Bush, Cheney and the rest of the boys down at the Heritage Foundation up a wall of jealousy. The bin Laden reward a joke? Who's laughing now? Really. Who? Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" www.greatfailure.com