Every Sunday, my column in the Los Angeles Daily News appears on the same page with Bill O'Reilly's. Mine is a column full of spoof. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between Bill's and mine.
In a noble piece of fervent patriotism, America-lover, Bill O'Reilly chose to use his Memorial Day week column
to denigrate the very people American soldiers are dying for...Iraqis and Americans. My guess is that he didn't have the space to disparage children with cancer.
When Bill finally decided to jump off the four-year-long Bush-Iraq disaster ship, he did it by concocting a soft landing on the real culprit behind the innumerable failures in bringing peace to Iraq: the Iraqi people.
"There is no question in my mind that President Bush had no plan ‘B' when the Iraqi people decided not to fight for their freedom after Saddam fell. That is the crux of the mess in Iraq. If the Iraqis had cooperated with America and Britain the way the Kuwaitis did when we liberated them after the first Gulf War, President Bush and Tony Blair would have been riding high. But the Iraqis did not...The ensuing chaos and death is heartbreaking to those of us who believe Iraq could be a free nation, if only the people had the will."
See, the "Plan B" that President Bush should have planned with, wasn't for a lack of troops, a lack of armor, a civil war or colossal disregard of intelligence reports that said what could very well happen, did. No, the Plan B" that the White House didn't have was a plan to deal with the people getting bombed from every side of their very existence not having the will to follow President Bush's brilliant Plan A.
Finished with his Memorial Day tribute to the weak-willed Iraqis who have suffered hundreds of thousands of casualties during Plan A, Bill's patriotic Memorial Day weekend tribute took on the "blame America first" Americans: Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, Rosie O'Donnell et al.
Bill explained how the "gimlet-eyed Jane and her crew despise people with whom they disagree and routinely assign them sinister motives" and the no-spinster was "tired of it" But not tired enough to do exactly what he claims Fonda and her crew do.
"Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, and the other irresponsible America-haters should be ashamed of themselves," Bill wrote. "Is there a rational person on earth who believes President Bush, Prime Minister Blair, and Secretary of State Colin Powell purposely lied to the world in order to remove Saddam Hussein? If you believe that, you need to see somebody."
Now watch closely here. In the very next sentence you can actually see the Billy stand deductive thinking on its ear and spin it so violently that if the Folks™ aren't secured in a tornado storm shelter, they could literally get sucked into Bill's whirling black hole.
"Bottom line on this is that there are Americans who despise their country and, increasingly, they are becoming accepted. This makes me queasy. And that comes from the heart."
From the heart, perhaps. More likely his ass. Certainly not from any brain-connected orifice. If you were to follow Bill's Twilight Zone train of thought you would reach Willoughby long before you'd ever get within a light-year of sane thought.
Fox News's great thinker was able to go from people feeling that these world leaders may have lied, to despising their country. Despise Nixon, Erlichman and Haldeman = Hate America. It's really just simple math...if you're a simpleton.
Still, you can't help but be impressed by Bill's facility to take thirty years of experience and cram them into less than fifteen seconds of blinding irrationality. And in it, you have just received the Evelyn Wood speed-reading course in how to become a right-wing radio host...or a snake-oil salesman.
Sick of Americans dying in an anemic bit of foreign policy? Try this distracting elixir.
Dr. Feelgood pitches his own remedy for what ails ya...if what ails ya is a deficiency of scapegoating Fonda and her crew are "America-haters," says Bill, though revealing no evidence that his scapegoats despise anyone other than those in power who drove us into - and keep us in - this war.
The Great and Powerful Odd, the Looking Out For You Guy, has made of a career out of using phrases like "America-hater" to connote some traitorous element to the motives of those he disagrees with. But to twist a hate for what this administration has wrought in Iraq as a hate of America is so illogical as to make one think that Billy-boy might actually be spinning. Worse, this McCarthy-wannabe deals his fans a three-card monte so devious as to trick them into following the wrong card smack dab into Josef Goebbels.
Happy Memorial Day, Bill...You America hater.