Following Up The Stories That Need No Followup
Going Into Unexplored Territory - Lewis "Scooter" Libby has pledged not to give up fighting his perjury conviction. "We're pulling out all the stops for my appeal," said Libby. "If it comes to it, I'd even consider telling the truth."
Any Which Way But Responsible - Libby's former boss, Dick Cheney, who had originally instructed his trusted aide to spread the word of Joe Wilson and his CIA agent wife, Valerie Plame, was disappointed in the jury's decision. "I shot a friend in the face and got away with it," said the ever-playful Vice President, "Why should it be any different than stabbing a friend in the back?"
Looking At Your Guilty Verdict Half Full - With the Walter Reed scandal, the quagmire in Iraq and a 30% favorable rating, President Bush is pretty cheery about the Libby verdict. "The media wants to focus on the White House staff engaged in criminal activity," said spokesman Tony Snow. "The President is more gratified by how many on his staff haven't been caught."
Scooter Fun Fact - Though Libby was shown to be the consummate liar, he has never run for political office.
How Low Can You Go? Not High Enough - After dipping close to the $2.25 per gallon mark, for no apparent reason the price of gas has jumped up to near $3 per gallon leaving energy companies just as baffled as the consumer. "I guess we were caught off guard," said an Exxon executive. "We have no idea how we let the price drop to $2.25. Heads will roll. We just hope it's Al Gore's head and not ours."
She's So Misunderstand - Ann Coulter explained that when she referred to Democrat presidential candidate, John Edwards, as a "f*ggot," it wasn't meant as a gay slur. It was meant as a schoolyard putdown. So now we know she wasn't being a sexist bigot. She was just a sophomoric bully.
You Got To Have Heart? Not Necessarily - Vice President Cheney had a health scare when a blood clot was found in his leg. "The clot moved toward the heart area," said one of Cheney's surgeons. "In a normal person that might be fatal. Luckily, Mr. Cheney hasn't had a heart in there for years." The Vice President was fortunate enough to receive the best medical care, because as fate would have it, he wasn't a veteran.
Magnet Up The Rectum Guy Update - An Iraqi national wearing wires and concealing a magnet, a polished stone and a napkin inside his derriere triggered a security scare at Los Angeles International Airport on Tuesday. A further search of the accused's derriere revealed a cache of Billy O'Reilly facts. And you thought he just pulled them out of their own ass.
All We Need Is Cash - Paul McCartney's ex, Heather Mills, is asking for three thousand dollars a day in support from the ex-Beatle. "Mr McCartney may be wealthier that the average multi-millionaire," said his attorney, Iam Nowhereman. "But if Ms. Mills continues to siphon money, at this rate, soon he'll be...well, still very wealthy, but not as wealthy as Donald Trump and even he has to speak at the Learning Annex just to make ends meet."
No More Free Depends - NASA announced the firing of Lisa Nowak Jones, the adult-diapered love-sick astronaut. "We would have kept her on," said NASA official Buzz Lightyear," but we've decided to go with potty-trained astronauts."
Spring Forward, Fall Back...To Sleep - Daylight-saving time kicked in this morning - three weeks earlier than usual. "We needed to make up the time that was lost covering Anna Nicole Smith's death and funeral," said Clock Fake Rolex Timex . "We're hoping that no more faux celebrities die in the next few years or else we'll have to start reversing time to catch up, and as most scientists will tell you, that becomes messy. "
What Was That? - Last week an election snuck into Los Angeles and before voters realized it had arrived, it was gone. "Usually these things show up around November," said a stunned Mayor Villaraigosa. "This one really caught us by surprise." Though the Mayor was startled by the election it didn't keep him from displaying his usual 25/8 work ethic. "But actually, it doesn't matter who got elected, I'll probably be taking over the job by the end of the week."
Award-winning TV Comedy Writer Steve Young is the author of "great/">http://www.greatfailure.com">"Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and his">http://www2.dailynews.com/steveyoung">his weekly column appears in the LA Daily News Sunday Opinion page...to the left of O'Reilly's...really. And if you want to overdose on Steve, click here for :Steve's">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOQzt0ZPTAs">Steve's Latest Blatant Infomercial. His next book, "The Power of Satire...The Secret Weapon That Can Win The 2008 Election For The Candidate Who Is Less Of A Joke Than The Other," threatens to be finished any day.