George W. Bush is the recipient of this year’s Nobel Prize for War. The announcement made by the great-great-great grandson of the Prussian military strategist Carl Phillip Gottfried von Clausewitz, was greeted by jubilation in the White House Bunker. Previous recipients have included Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Benedict Arnold, General George Armstrong Custer, Napoleon, Mussolini, and the character known as Dr. Strangelove.
The prize, including 250,000 rounds of ammo, will be jointly shared by Bush and the private mercenary firm of Blackwater USA. In announcing their decision the Nobel War Prize committee cited the contribution Bush and Blackwater have made to “capitalize on the fog of war to defeat domestic enemies as a prelude to total war.”
Bush, who has not worn military garb since appearing in his specially-tailored Commander-in-Chief flight four years ago, was on hand to receive the award wearing a black ninja suit and wrap around sunglasses. In accepting the honor Bush quoted his favorite military strategist, Sun Tzu, saying: “Throw your soldiers into positions where there is no escape, and they will prefer death to flight, if they face the death there is nothing they cannot achieve.” The president then winked and added, “All war is deception.”
In winning the prize, Bush once again stole the limelight from former Vice-President Al Gore who earlier won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in educating the public about global warming. Bush was disdainful of his rival, quoting Orwell’s axiom, “War is Peace,” to buttress his conviction that that the decisions he has made as president – to ignore global warming, scrap the Geneva Conventions, to take the week off during Katrina, and spend billions rebuilding Iraq rather than waste the money at home on pork barrel projects – have been the right ones for the country.
Speaking before audience of foreign policy experts, including Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Michele Malkin, Vice-president Dick Cheney argued that his boss’s award vindicated the administration’s war mongering philosophy. Quoting Machiavelli the VP said, “War can only be postponed to the advantage of others.” “We must strike while the iron is hot,” he continued. “Today we are liberating Iraq, tomorrow the world.”