Article: The Devil Threatens to Sue John Dean for Revealing Trade Secrets

To: John Dean
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
re: illegal disclosure of proprietary practices and malicious interference with the Mammonization of America

Mr. Dean:

Despite having sent repeated warnings through several emissaries, you have proceeded with the publication of your new book "Conservatives without Conscience." Without my permission you have willfully and benevolently shared my highly desired and prosperous proprietary techniques of authoritarian demagoguery, Machiavellian manipulation and perception management for profit and power. These tricks are my exclusive intellectual property and I have been employing them for my benefit since time immemorial. Anyone wanting to use these techniques of fleecing the lambs for bucks and votes has had to buy a franchise from SATAN, Inc. The price is merely your soul. And, oh, I do charge user fees, collect a commission and own your ass.

So just who the devil do you think you are to be telling my secrets for free and without my permission? If you think that I have made your life hell before, just wait.

Nobody is going to stop the Mammonization of America, least of all, you, Johnnie boy. God may have forgiven you. I never will. You had so much promise. I gave you the chance of a life time when I had Nixon offer you a job in his inner lair. As far as I'm concerned, when you took a position with Nixon, Agnew and Kissinger, you had to know that you were keeping company with the Devil's own. Whatever you knew, it is not relevant to me because when you signed on with Tricky Dick, you were swearing blind allegiance to absolute power. As such, I consider it a done deal that you were taking an oath to me, swearing eternal fidelity to the cause, which entailed never revealing even the slightest of any of my secret techniques of mass persuasion.

If you had only played along, you could have fleeced the flock with some of the best wolves that ever herded for me. But, no, you had to develop a conscience, go bleeding heart and try to warn the bleeping sheep as they submissively follow my wolves to the slaughter. You had to use the findings of social psychology to get the lambs from blindly and obediently submitting to authority without question.

Do you really think the lambs are bothered that they unthinkingly submit to Right Wing Authoritarianism? Hell no, the lambs are proud that they are so readily submissive for all authority comes from God. That's why the lambs are so intolerant of any criticism of their authority figures. They are not threatened by my wolves but they are comforted by their dominating charisma. The truly submissive believers cannot tolerate any dissent in the flock and must huddle together with only like-minded believers. The world is a sinister place and thinking for yourself only leads to evil. The one right way and its true leaders are ones to completely trust. There is no need for a conscience for the leaders will be your conscience. Only through their authority and orders can you help impose order on a sinful, liberal world.

Naturally, despite all their contrary claims, the leaders belong to me, not God. When you described the pastoral political predators that you call the Double Highs on both Social Dominance Orientation and Right Wing Authoritarianism, you might as well have been calling me by name. Use all the social and political psychological jargon you want but everybody knows who you are talking about when you write about those who like to dominate others no matter what. I mean, who else are people going to think of when you talk of someone with "traits of being hard, tough, ruthless, and unfeeling toward others, as opposed to compassionate, generous, caring and altruistic." Granted, Dick Cheney readily comes to mind, but since he is one of my top earners, I argue that only proves my point.

Of course I'm not compassionate or caring. Humans don't deserve it. Their only worth lies in what they can do for me. Screw this treating them equally nonsense. Fairness is a frigging fairy fantasy. Equality is "a sucker world in which only fools believe." After all, a sucker is born every minute.

No, it does bother me one bit that other people think that I'm a heartless son-of-a-b*tch. Who gives a damn if they think that I am "intimidating, unsympathetic, untrusting and untrustworthy, vengeful, manipulative and amoral . . . ? I'd rather be feared than loved. I'll use whatever power I've got to get what I want and screw anybody that gets in the way. That includes you.

Let's face it. People aren't very bright or brave. They might like to think that they are rugged individualists but in reality they are dyed-in-the-wool conformists. As Eric Fromm observed back in the 1940s, a lot of people don't want to be burdened with freedom. Freedom means having to think and make choices. They have to reap what they sow. Fromm said that many people want to escape from freedom. They don't want to be responsible even for their own emotions.

That's why they need my leaders to tell them that it is all right to vent their repressed anger and hostility on officially sanctioned targets such as liberals, gays and minorities. The flock might be as meek as lambs as individuals but when you get them together in the name of authority the flock can turn into a pack of blood-hungry wolves.

Clearly your attention has been to expose my proprietary procedures with the purpose of disrupting my business enterprises, specifically, the final phase of the Mammonization of America. You have challenged my copyright of the term "conservative" by suggesting that there other versions than my officially licensed neo-conservative movement as the only legitimate conservatism. You have likewise challenged my copyright of the term "Christian" by suggestion by employees currently leading the religious right are not actually in the least Christ like. How dare you challenge my carefully revised history which has become the officially accepted version.

You had to help bring down my boy Nixon. Now, you're trying to bring me down. You damn well better remember just who the hell you're dealing with here. You're no only begotten son of God and you just need to remember what I had done to him after he challenged my Mammonization of the Mediterranean. That Rome project was nothing compared to what I've got going in America.

In short, Mr. Dean, I hereby order you to refrain from any further disclosure of my proprietary material found in my training manual, "Every Trick in the Book." Failure to do so will result in my immediate release of my hounds of hell upon the airwaves and internet. You will be exposed for the do-gooding, closet liberal that you are. Trust me. You don't want to go to court against me, the way I've been able to stack them since Reagan.

Insincerely,

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