Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 18 Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds   

It's Autumn, Michael Chertoff, and your gut was wrong!

By       (Page 1 of 1 pages)   4 comments
Message Robert Raitz

PREFACE: This article was begun on the morning of September 15, 2007 at 04:45 hours. The idea came to me two days ago. I had planned on starting it then, but I had to resurrect one of our TV's from the dead. With all the troubles that came up to try to put the kibosh on that idea, such as corralling the money from someone who owed it to me, to going all over the Dallas Metro area to scrounge up the required parts, it's amazing I got anything accomplished other than that. But I did get the TV fixed at long last. I celebrated by watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann. I am not going to publish this article until the day of the equinox. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, I want to be fair. It is possible that someone could pull off a terrorist attack within the next seven days. Possible, not probable. Second, I didn't want to be as arrogant as to come out even one hour ahead of the end of summer. If this article is to have any bite at all, it has to be published officially at the start of autumn. Third, I wanted to give myself enough time so I can tweak it, and make sure that it as well written as I can make it. Finally, even thought he doesn't deserve it and he hasn't earned it, I am more than willing to give Michael Chertoff the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe our goose is cooked before next Sunday morning. Maybe his tarot deck is more charged than mine. Perhaps his mystical, liquid filled "eight ball" is better at prophecy than any other that is presently sitting on a shelf in Spencer's Gifts. Maybe he does have a real connection to the spirit world that would cause his intestinal tract to be more sensitive to the possibility of another terrorist attack on American soil than yours or mine. If a terrorist attack does come to pass in the next seven days, I will still publish this article. Unlike the a**holes in the government, I am not afraid to admit that I can make mistakes, and even be disastrously wrong. Somehow, I get the feeling that isn't going to be an issue! And now, on with the article... I want to wish all and sundry a happy Autumnal Equinox. Here we are, at the time of year when day and night are the same length. Here we are, at a time when the northern hemisphere is readying itself for the coming of winter's icy chill. Mother Earth is now preparing for her time of slumber. From now until December, the days will continue to get shorter and the nights longer. Also, the equinox this year signals the end of the time when the great Michael Chertoff's intestinal tract had predicted another terrorist attack on American soil. Isn't it nice that his gut was once again, completely wrong? Oh, don't you remember? This great amorphous threat was supposed to show itself some time between the Summer Solstice and now. Well, actually, it was supposed to show itself sometime between the tenth of July, which is when the statement was made, and now. When I first heard him make his great intellectual intestinal invocation, I knew it was nothing but a batch of Grade "A" human sh*t! I knew it was nothing more than another perfunctory push of the fear button. I knew that once again, those who think themselves to be heirs apparent to Michel de Nostradam (Nostradamus to you and I) would be dead wrong. I also wanted to make sure that I reminded everyone who comes here for their alternate opinion fix just what kind of mental midgets are really in charge in if it needs to be done!

Oh, to be sure, there were some terrorist happenings over the summer. Ok, so the ones that made the news weren't all that well planned, they weren't all that well executed, and well, let's call a spade a spade, they were pulled off by complete dolts; definitely not what one would call the A game players. If these attacks were, in fact, carried out by Al Quaeda, they were pulled off by the nose-picking, feeble-minded, "we don't talk about them," arm of Al Quaeda. For your edification, I will list the threats that happened between Michael Chertoff's great prophecy, and now. I will ignore the attack of Virginia Tech by Seung-Hui Cho. While his actions do qualify as a terrorist attack, it was a more or less home grown attack. It wasn't part of a greater plan by Al Quaeda to have all of America shaking in their boots. Besides that, it happened before the Summer Solstice, therefore, it's not covered by the auspices of Chertoff's tortured tummy. I mention it only because it was listed as a terror attack at the place where I researched the terror attacks in this country. I just want to be thorough . Then there's the Fort Dix plan, "foiled" on May 7. Technically, once again, I shouldn't list this incident because it doesn't fall between the time of Chertoff's gas attack and now. However, I know if I publish this article and don't at least mention this "attack", someone will trash this article because I forgot to mention this momentous terror plot. Surely, this terror plot would have crippled Fort Dix for at least two or three they placed the dead terrorists in body bags. This particular "threat" was, without a doubt, the most comical, ridiculous, and moronic attempt to scare us by way of the fear button. One can only ponder the mental instability that would drive the "terrorists" of this plot to think they could have their way in a fort filled with ARMED AMERICAN SOLDIERS, while they are dressed as pizza delivery men. Of course, this pales in comparison to the stupidity that would bring one of these mental midgets to take a videotape of their great "work" to a commercial video duplication and DVD creation business. How f*cking stupid do you need to be to not realize doing something like that is going to bring the FBI down on your ass like a flock of seagulls descending on a fishing boat? Then there's the plot to blow up Kennedy Airport's fuel supply by bombing the pipeline that lead from the fuel bunker to the airport itself. Once again, this "threat" really shouldn't be written of here, because it happened BEFORE the turn of the summer solstice; June 3, to be exact. Once again, it was attempted by what seems to be the Keystone Kops of the terrorist world. Once again, it was foiled because of the stupidity of the terrorists in question. Since it was a terrorist plot against America, I include it to show a pattern...a pattern of stupidity. Now, at long last, we do get to a terror "threat" that actually did occur after the turn of the Summer Solstice. Unfortunately, it happened before Chertoff's Taco Bell tortured tummy tragedy timed the tooting of the terror trumpet. But wait, this "threat" wasn't focused on our soil. No, it was focused against the Glasgow International Airport. Once again, I list this attack because it made the news, and it might have even caused Chertoff's gastric guffaw. Once again, this "attack" was planned and pulled off by the Abbot and Costello arm of Al Quaeda. This attack might have actually been of great import had the absolute morons who planned and coordinated it not been so tragically retarded!

Firstly, the idea of a car bomb is to make said car go, "BOOM," not to have said car burst into flames. The second idea behind a car bomb is to either park the car where it can do the maximum damage, or to slam it into its target, and then make with the big bang.

The idea is not to push the car over a curb and into an abutment designed to keep cars from driving into the airport proper. The idea is not to set yourself on fire, fall out of the car, and have to be rushed to the hospital with every degree of burn imaginable. The idea is to be a martyr for Allah, not to wind up as a laughing stock the world over. And to think this great Jihad attack was pulled by Medical Doctors, supposedly intelligent people. That fact just adds a note of sublime to the ridiculous that was the "attack".

Oh darn, that's all the really big terror attacks that came even close to us. That means that Michael Chertoff's gut was way wrong, and completely out of touch with what you and I like to call reality. Sure, there were other terror attacks happening around the world. For those interested in the list, follow this link. What you will note about these attacks is that most of them happened in the Middle East. What a surprise!!! You will also note that most were much more successful than any of the attacks I listed above. So, what of Michael Chertoff's gut? Was his gurgling, gagging guliver brought on by a bit of brisket gristle? Was it a florette of broccoli that proved to be a champion at methane production deep within his bowels? Could it have been a touch of intestinal influenza? Maybe it was a particularly potent jalape├▒o that somehow got lodged somewhere between his duodenum and his anal sphincter? We may well never know. What is certain is that his gut feeling wasn't anything more or less than an attempt to scare the sh*t out of an already fear-ridden populace. What else could it be? Keith Olbermann brought up five possible reasons for Chertoff's digestive dysfunction. Follow this link to his special comment dated July 12 for further amplification on the condition of Chertoff's chronically calamitous, colicky cramped-up colon. My money is on the fact that it was just another attempt to push the fear button. It seems that the one thing that the DUBYA administration is actually good at is frightening people to within inches of their lives. They have done so since the last true foreign terrorist incursion on out soil, 9/11. They will continue to do so until DUBYA and his band of merry sycophants are out of office. To reiterate, this article is about Michael Chertoff's gut, or his lack thereof. I will sign off now, only to revisit this article between now and the equinox to edit it and make sure it says exactly what I want it to say. I feel extremely confident that I won't have to rewrite it between now and next week to add another terror attack to the list above. Well, so far, so good! It is now Friday, September 21, and still no big bangs, no mushroom clouds, or anything even remotely close to a terrorist attack. However, it is now nice to know that the congress is so full of pussies, they are willing to condemn a ad that was no worse than anything regurgitated by Hot Karl Rove and the RepubliKKKan smear machine. And now, it's 02:27 on the morning of September 23, 2007. While it is technically not the equinox (two more hours), I didn't hear of anyone getting blown to smithereens here in the USA. I guess Michael Chertoff's gut is not to be trusted as an agent of prophecy. Perhaps some other part of his anatomy (maybe that S-P-E-C-I-A-L part of his body) will tell the tale the next time they need to push the fear button. Who knows? If every other part of him has been wrong, what on earth would make me think his schlong could or would be any more accurate? If not, well, he can use it to push the fear button next time.

Blessed be! Pappy

Rate It | View Ratings

Robert Raitz Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

Harpist, unemployed blue collar worker, and Bush basher living deep in the heart of Texas.
Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

Contact EditorContact Editor
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Anarchy in the USA

The Linux Project: Gentoo revisited

Things found on the way to other things.

The Linux Project IV

The gay life.

Tell your children, a paradigm of dope.

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend