(To see a photo of me and my daughter Ashley trying to Survive a trip to Shaw's candy store, go to my blog)
Let's play a game of "Survivor". This one is going to be called, "Survivor Texas".
Let's divide ourselves into tribes. One tribe will be "Tribe America". And the other one will be the "Globalization" tribe. Put on your buffs, guys. You know the rules. Survivors must use only what is available to them in Texas during the presidential primary. Half-way through the game there will be a Merge. And the winner takes all. "Does everybody understand the rules? Survivors ready? Let's go."
"Want to know what you're playing for? The future of our country. The future of the world. The lives of your children and grandchildren." Worth playing for? Sure!
But during all the challenges, the Globalization tribe cheats! Both tribes are only allowed to use what is available to them in Texas during the primary and in the United States for the rest of the game. "You cannot use anything from outside of America in this game," says Jeff Probst. "You can't use overseas oil. None of your tools can come from China. You can't import cars from Mexico or strawberries from Chile. You will be allowed to trade between the two tribes but only if the trades are paid for with gold." But the Globalization tribe totally ignores all the rules. They make fake immunity idols. They falsify the tree-mail. And they force "Survivor" crew members to go and beat up the strongest "Tribe America" players in the dark. That's an unheard-of no-no on "Survivor". But the Globalization tribe will do ANYTHING to win and they bend the rules, back-stab constantly and lie like a rug.
And the Texas primary immunity challenge is a disaster for Tribe America! Why are we not surprised. Not only is the challenge rigged in favor of Globalization because of the numbers, but also because the few Tribe America players left are all fighting among themselves. Instead of going after the Globalization tribe for cheating and stealing Tribe America's chances of winning fairly, America's tribe members spend all their time bickering and squabbling among themselves.
So. Which Survivors have made it to the Final Four in Texas? Obama, Clinton, McCain and Ron Paul. And who will win the Texas immunity challenge? As it stands now, both of the final two players will be from the Globalization tribe. "Sorry, Tribe America. I've got nothing for you. Head back to camp."
What should Tribe America have done differently in Texas? They should have dropped their red-state buffs and their blue-state buffs and merged! You can't fight against the powerful Globalization tribe by fighting among yourselves, guys. Your strategy failed. Tribe America loses. Tribe Globalization wins.
PS: Last week on Survivor Micronesia, one tribe member outwitted and out-played everyone else by getting his strongest rival voted off. I wish that the voters of Texas would outwit and out-play like that too -- instead of meekly standing by while the globalization gang once again shoves their players down our throats.
If I was playing "Survivor Texas" right now, I would definitely vote for Ron Paul. Why? For the strategic advantage. Paul would be a good ally to have on our side after the merge. "But Jane," you might say, "Rep. Paul has some really squirrelly ideas about...." Yes he does. But he also has one basic strategy I agree with -- that Tribe America needs to stop living in a semi-coma and start playing this game to win! We gotta stop giving all our immunity idols away to the Globalization tribe in Washington and start playing this game for ourselves.
In order to survive the 21st century, America needs to vote the globalization alliance out of Washington before it's too late. We need to stop all this harmful divisiveness between red states and blue states and progressives and conservatives and focus all our attention on saving our country from being terrorized by globalized corporations instead. "We need to have a merge here, guys," as Jeff Probst would say. "Drop your red buffs and blue buffs and put on the red-white-and-blue buffs instead!" Oops, sorry. No more Survivor talk. But I do have a plan to make this new merge succeed.