As a public service, here are the ten telltale signs of Republican plague:
1. You keep lying, even when its apparent to everyone that youre lying: Insist that the situation in Iraq is not a civil war; Bush tax cuts are good for the economy; Republicans are fostering Democracy. Repeat things that are not only untrue, but are absurd: George W. Bush cares about civil rights. You cant stop; youre sick; youre a Republican.
2. No matter how bad things get, assert that President Bush is doing a great job. Even when there are obvious screw-upsthe reaction to 9/11, the occupation of Iraq, and the response to Katrinablock all meaningful investigations, no matter how impartial. Steadfastly maintain that Dubya knows what hes doing, even when its apparent to most of the public that he not only doesnt have a plan to fix the problem, he doesnt get that there is a problem. Youre inflexible; youre stuck; youre a Republican.
4. Dont accept any criticism, no matter how non-partisan or well intended. Call your critics ignorant, devious, unwitting pawns of sinister forces. Suggest that anyone who criticizes George Bush, Dick Cheney, or Don Rumsfeld is unpatriotic; that they are aiding and abetting Al Qaeda. Youre relentless; youre a fear-monger; youre a Republican.
5. Stay on offense. No matter what happens, keep pushing your agenda. Remember Karl Roves second commandment: When in doubt, attack. If one of your tactics is blocked, such as private social security accounts, immediately go to the next, reduction of entitlements. Never let your enemies see you sweat. Never forget that you owe your supporters, big. Youre aggressive; youre ruthless; youre a Republican.
7. Tell everyone that youre the Party of peace, the Party that wants to spread democracy throughout the world. Then create the largest peacetime standing army in US history. Make sure that America spends more on defense than all our possible enemies combined. Relentlessly feed the military-industrial complex. Prowl through the world planting US bases, supporting autocrats, and protecting the interests of multi-national corporations. Preach peace and democracy; practice war and plutocracy. Youre predatory; youre imperialist; youre a Republican.
8. Maintain the economy is going great. No matter how bad things get, how large the national debt, or how huge the gap between Americas haves and have-nots, push for more tax cuts. Insist that theyre a panacea, a modern snake oil that will cure all ills. Keep promising America that good times are just ahead and the yellow-brick road is lined with tax cuts. Talk equality and opportunity; practice elitism and favoritism. Youre shameless; youre greedy; youre a Republican.
9. Manipulate the truth. Whenever there is bad news, blame it on the press. Accuse the mass media of distortion; say they arent telling the whole story. Help them out, make up some good news. Harass reporters at all your press conferences; punish anyone who asks a tough question. Support the illusion that Fox News is fair and balanced and that Rush Limbaugh and Bill OReilly are impartial commentators. Youre duplicitous; youre biased; youre a Republican.
10. Above all, never admit a mistake. Remember Karl Roves first commandment: Never show weakness. Adopt the motto: only wimps admit mistakes; when the going gets tough, the tough attack their enemies. Say the Bush Administration hasnt made mistakes; its set lofty goals that take hard, hard work to achieve. Keep your eyes on the stars, your nose to grindstone and both hands protecting your ass. Youve no shame; youve contracted an incurable disease; youre a Republican.