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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 10/21/08

The Joe Biden Gaffe Prevention System

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Are you tired of being humiliated and embarrassed by the extraordinarily stupid words coming out of your mouth? Or maybe it's not you, but your spouse, your children, or maybe even your vice presidential running mate who suffers from chronic Foot-in-Mouth Disease. If you have been searching for a way out of the nightmare of sophomoric slips, mangled misstatements, and God-awful gaffes, you need look no further! You need the Joe Biden Gaffe Prevention System!

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This little beauty, made from genuine calf-skin leather and durable polyurethane, is 100% guaranteed to immediately put an end to the blushing embarrassment that normally accompanies the utterly stupid, self-defeating drivel that flows from the mouths of those who just can't shut the hell up. And the best part: It attacks the problem at the source!

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Thoroughly tested and approved by professional pornstars, and recommended by former Congressman Mark Foley and Senator Larry Craig, it prevents 100% of all statements that would otherwise make you look like a total dumbass. It even reduces the volume of grunts and squeals by up to 60 decibels!

When Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama first approached us for suggestions as to how to cure his VP pick's problem with DOM (Diarrhea of the Mouth), he was skeptical. To ease his mind, we told him to take one and try it out, and if he wasn't completely satisfied, he could return it for no charge. After only one hour of blissful silence on the airplane with Biden, Senator Obama phoned us to say how elated and impressed he was with our product. He was so delighted that he ordered a dozen of our Gaffe Prevention Systems to send as gifts to his former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright, his friend Father Phleger, and to the entire FOX News Anchor Crew, including two each to Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. 

This morning, we got another call from Mr. Obama. He informed us that he had asked Senator Biden to be an official endorser of what is now known as the Biden Gaffe Prevention System. It sounded too good to be true, and we thought someone was playing a prank on us at first, so we asked to speak to Senator Biden. That didn't turn out to be very productive, as all we could hear were guttural grunts and slurping noises. But we signed the contract this morning, so YOU can be the first to get a Biden Gaffe Prevention System of your VERY OWN!

And if you think this product is just another tool for partisan divisiveness, think again. The Biden Gaffe Prevention System is getting endorsements from both sides of the aisle on Capitol Hill. Even the Republican candidate for president, John Sidney McCain, upon hearing how remarkably our system works from spies he has installed in the Obama campaign, placed a bulk order with us less than 3 hours ago! Our sources say that McCain gave the first one to his personal nurse who travels with him on the campaign trail. McCain was quoted as saying, "She's great in the sack, but it's torture listening to her yell 'Drill, baby, Drill!' the whole time. I actually think I preferred Vietnam!"

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We have also been informed by spies Obama has in the McCain campaign that Mr. McCain tried to give one to his running mate Sarah Palin, but she told him, "Thanks, but no thanks -- I already have one of my own." Upon hearing this McCain became visibly upset and asked Gov. Palin, "Then why the hell haven't you been wearing it, you c%#t?!" Ms. Palin told him the one she had was uncomfortable and hurt her mouth.

Now, folks, that's because she doesn't have a genuine, authentic Biden Gaffe Prevention System! Our system can be worn continuously for up to 10 hours with very little discomfort. The ball even has an indention to accommodate a drinking straw if you get thirsty!! Believe us when we say: "Once you go Biden, you'll never go back!"

Granted, the VP campaign speeches might be a little less interesting for the next 14 days before the election, but who's complaining? We predict that using our product will actually benefit the McCain campaign since most of the people attending Palin rallies communicate by grunts and simple hand signals anyway. And if Gov. Palin drools a little, she'll fit right in!

You have the option to buy the basic system, or the super-deluxe Moron Model that comes with a combination lock that keeps the wearer gaffe-proof until YOU decide it's safe for them to run their mouths. So, what are you waiting for?

Place your order for the Biden Gaffe Prevention System today, and we'll send you a limited edition, autographed picture of Senator Biden proudly (and silently!) wearing his. Operators are standing by.


By JC Garrett


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JC Garrett is a freelance writer and Constitutional scholar from the piney-woods of East Texas. Mr. Garrett owns and operates an independent recording studio, plays several instruments, writes, sings, and produces music. His stories have (more...)
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