Send a Tweet
Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 46 Share on Twitter Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
Exclusive to OpEd News:
General News   

Social Distancing is Out. Hugs and Kisses are In.

By       (Page 1 of 1 pages)   3 comments
Follow Me on Twitter     Message Josh Mitteldorf
Become a Fan
  (53 fans)

The CDC has done an about-face with new guidelines on social distancing this morning. Citing new data indicating that isolation, separation, quarantine, and lockdown have an unforeseen side effect of aggravated loneliness, the agency came down on the side of hugs all around.

Dr Anthony Faustus, head of the National Institute for Maximization of Vaccine Profits, was quoted as saying, "We knew people weren't going to be too happy about staying locked indoors the first week of spring. But gosh darnit, whodathunk that it might affect their health?"

(Image by New York Tims)   Details   DMCA

He went on to explain that some people kinda like getting within 6 feet of each other, and maybe there is some traditional folk wisdom in the idea that avoiding human touch isn't all peaches and cream.

"This, of course, does nothing to mitigate the fact that sophisticated and very mathematical computer models demonstrate conclusively that germs are passed in every tactile encounter." He referred with refreshing candor to the Scientific theory that germs cause disease. "It's a known fact," he explained.

But the latest findings from the World Center on Epidemiology, reported in the April 1 edition of Health Reports Weekly, indicate that happiness, socialization, and human touch together are responsible for a 273.5% increase in immune function, which more than compensates the 62.4% lower risk of contracting COVID. In marked contradistinction to previous marked contradistinctions, people are actually healthier when they touch each other.

"After our algorithm to optimize best optimal distance of approach crashed the Cray-15 supercomputer, we re-evaluated the assumptions implicit in the calculation. We were as surprised as anyone to realize that the reason for the software failure was a 'Divide by zero' error. Evidently, the best distance between any two people is no distance at all. From a purely public-health perspective, that is."

With this re-calibration, the CDC is now calling for universal hugs and kisses. They're banking on a quick turnaround from the deficit in warm fuzzies that has plagued the country since the guidelines of March 10 knocked the country on its ass.

"From the beginning, this is what I've always said all along," commented President Trump, astutely.

Airlines responded most positively to today's news. Plans to extend legroom on domestic flights were immediately canceled, and Virgin Airlines is even offering discounts for lap-seating. Common stock of Delta is up 12%, leading the biggest one-day gains ever reported for the Dow Jones Transportation Index.

In related news, the international implications of all this hugging and kissing have yet to be computed, but peace and love are showing the biggest gains in early trading on the Big Board.

Must Read 1   Funny 1   Valuable 1  
Rate It | View Ratings

Josh Mitteldorf Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

Josh Mitteldorf, de-platformed senior editor at OpEdNews, blogs on aging at Read how to stay young at
Educated to be an astrophysicist, he has branched out from there (more...)

Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Follow Me on Twitter     Writers Guidelines

Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Twitter Bans The Donald

Cold Fusion: Tangible Hope in an Age of Despair

Artificial Earthquakes

New Scientific Study: Smoking Gun Evidence of 9/11 Explosives in WTC Dust

PayPal cuts off Bradley Manning Legal Defense; Backs Off under Grass Roots Pressure

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend