In a stunning display of hubris, Jesus Christ returned to earth this morning. As before, things did not go quite as planned. His first stop happened to be the tea party rally in Des Moines, Iowa, and maybe that was part of the problem. As the crowd gathered, Jesus edged his way to the speaker's platform, raised his hands and said with the appropriate authority, "I have returned my children; our Father has sent me here to find out why ever growing numbers of Christians are not following my teachings."
Perhaps Jesus should have done his homework before he appeared in Des Moines. You see, with his somewhat nappy hair and the dark skin of a Palestinian who looks like he's spent a lot of time in the sun, there were soon shouts of "imposter." Finally, after Jesus had spoken for awhile, about some of his basic messages -- like helping the poor, and the sins of the rich (just as recorded in the Bible) -- there were cries of "commie socialist," and things went down hill from there, ending with him being tackled by two armed tea baggers who dragged him off the platform. Onlookers claim he could be heard muttering, "oh sh*t, not again."
But crucifixion was not in the cards for Jesus this time. However, something almost as bad was waiting for him. He was thrown into a black SUV with tinted windows and hauled away to an undisclosed location on "C" street. Some of the leaders of the Christianity movement -- Pat Robertson, The Pope, Bill Donahue, and Rick Warren were waiting for him in a basement room, and soon began with their main questions: "Why aren't you white?" "How can you be Jesus if we haven't been raptured by this time" "Can you prove who you are? Where is your birth certificate?" Glen Beck kept asking him if he was one of those "social justice scumbags just trying to put us on." To his credit, Jesus sat calmly and gave nothing but his name, Jesus Christ; rank: Son Of God; and serial number: 0000000000000000001
After 15 minutes of getting nothing out of Him, his captors called the CIA, who immediately flew Him out of the country for "enhanced" interrogation.
Now while I would like to report that Jesus, having had enough of the waterboarding and Glen Beck's incessant whining, finally got angry, and used God's help to free himself from captivity, and then moved on to take revenge on all those who use his name to start wars, molest children, and get rich by conning old ladies out of their social security checks. I'd also like to report that Jesus grabbed his staff and laid it smack down, again and again, hard, on all the so-called political and religious leaders who are committing horrible crimes while claiming to be Christians. Finally I'd like to report that once he was finished with these leaders, he went around America slapping, up against da side a da haid, all the people who stupidly defend these leaders and practically worship them as idols.
But I can't. You see he's Jesus. The Prince of Peace. And thanks to Obama's continuation of BushCo's secret rendition policy, he, Jesus, will be forced to sit idly by, for awhile longer, and watch his TV set, to get updated about how the people he came to save are using their "Christianity" as a kind of cover, beneath which they carry out their various, clever and fraudulent schemes to get rich, protect the guilty, exploit the poor, and wage war all over the world.