Hank: "So let me try this out. One of us talks for a minute, the other summarizes and checks if the listener understood 'perfectly.' If not, the original speaker corrects the point made, and the listener summarizes again--and again and again if need be--until the original speaker can say, 'You understand me perfectly.'"
You: "See, you did it. You understood me perfectly, which affects me. Right now I don't feel polarized from you at all. It makes me hope we can find more ideas in common."
Hank: "Straightening out individual ideas seems like a good step but a small one compared to the range of our differences."
You: "It solves one big, needless problem. We make sure our differences are not just from poor communication. The important disagreements left after we communicate well are likely to be about our values, how we prioritize everything. We find out the roots of each one's thinking. One of us may place sheer personal loyalty at the top, or competence, hard work, kindness, fairness, or any of a score of values. Careful listening helps us bring these lasting issues to the surface.
Healthy societies are able to respect alternate values while agreeing on the most basic ones. Even weighing together the relative importance of the values you and I hold should release any frustration we otherwise could feel. Because we stop blocking them, the other person's comments stretch our perspective, and in time we teach each other the full range of values that have helped the human race survive."
A common reason that many are committed to resisting input from others is the emotional pain they accumulate during their life. They filter rigidly what they allow into awareness in order to avoid anything painful (such as the devastating embarrassment of being proved wrong). They may employ defenses like denial, projection, repression, regression, rationalization, and displacement. The Dunning-Kruger effect may operate, as well as confirmation and desirability biases. Those unwilling to consider others' ideas may change only from the impact of outer circumstances; perhaps discovering happier conditions among people with similar beliefs, or finding an authority figure willing to direct them.
A single conversation may not change another's attitude but sometimes it will. It makes sense for us to use the positive methods we know as far as they serve us.
(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).
