Thus, what was different about my experiment this summer is that after every painful argument, we made time (later on) for a deep, restorative conversation (using tools gleaned from Barter's Restorative Circles and other related modalities, including Non Violent Communication ). Over the course of weeks and months, these restorative conversations about real truths started to bring us out of the darkness of some long-standing mutual mis-understanding into the light of mutual comprehension. And over time, the restorative conversations began to take the place of the arguments. At least some of the time.
And then, a wonderful thing happened.
The spaces between our arguments not only grew longer. They grew peaceful.
Not simply the quiet of a temporary truce. Not the silence of an agreement to disagree or a patient tolerance of the issue. Not a grin-and-bear it, suck it up, everyone-must-compromise-something type of thing. It was the clear crisp quiet of having things cleared out and set back to zero.
The sense of ease and comfort that flowed between us after a painful issue had been honestly examined using restorative tools was profound. Even our children could feel it.
Peace, it turns out, is not the absence of conflict but the state of deep inner knowing that your most sacred longings have been fully heard and acknowledged. And that can only be accomplished by moving into - and through - the fire.
(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).
