OEN: Well, Iran is ruled by a bunch of religious fanatics and the United States, which is sort of the Persian Empire of today and is also ruled by a bunch of religious fanatics, has been threatening to attack Iran. Any thoughts on what’s been going on?
Cyrus: Well, I hear we fired off nine missiles the other day and this fellow McCain thinks that they should build a missile shield to keep Iran from shooting missiles at Europe. Europe! [interviewer’s note – Cyrus snorts derisively]. In my day, Europe was just Greece, Italy, and a bunch of half-naked Brits and that’s about it. Now they’ve got a few dozen countries and a European Union. Newbies.
OEN: McCain is hoping to become President of the United States, and ruler of the American Empire…
Cyrus: Are you kidding? That nervous Nellie? Nine stupid missiles and he wants to build a magic bubble around Europe! Look, everyone has missiles today. This guy’s not smoking hashish, is he?
OEN: I don’t think he has to. So you think the U.S. is a bit crazy to view Iran as a world-class threat?
Cyrus: Not at all. Iran has moved much, much closer to the U.S. border in the past five years. We used to be 6,000 miles away. Now we’re right there, looking down at their new capital.
OEN: Uh, that doesn’t make sense to me.
Cyrus: Well we’re right next to Iraq. The 51st state! Imagine how Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia must feel – pushed aside by a country the far side of Phoenecia.
OEN: I don’t think…
Cyrus: Hey, you think this Obama guy is gonna give up Iraq? You think anyone would be allowed to get elected as President who will actually pull you guys out of there? Hell, the Green Zone is the biggest fortress in the world. That’s your new capital city. You’ve got dozens of bases all over Iraq. You own it! And as the soldiers come home, Blackwater will hire them at 100K a pop and send ‘em back and when they die, no one will care because they were paid so much to go. The US taxpayer will continue to pay up the nose because Blackwater don’t come cheap. Three trillion dollars for war and counting.
OEN: Hmm. Well, we did go there for the oil…
Cyrus: And the price of oil is what, four times what it was before you went in? ‘Mission Accomplished’ indeed.
OEN: President Bush did speak hastily in that regard.
Cyrus: No he didn’t! Mission was Accomplished. You think that little twit engineered this all by his own lonesome dove? Or maybe you think it was Cheney and Negroponte, Wolfowitz, and Perle. Hey, it was simpler in the old days. I bumped off a few other generals, won a few battles, and once I took Babylon, I was in like flint.
OEN: Yes, you were rich as Croesus.
Cyrus: [Silence].
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