Average Joe: Is the ship's buffet still open?
The FDA: We believe the ship is sinking because of an e.coli infection that spread from the galley.
The CDC: Everybody should get vaccinated before the ship sinks, just in case there's a shark-flu virus in the water.
The New Ager: There is no hole in the ship unless you believe there is a hole in the ship.
The Academic: I have published a paper that proves this ship is unsinkable. Would anyone like to read it? Please?
The Catholic priest: I think we should save all the children first. Which lifeboat are they on again?
The Journalist: The Titanic has a hole in its side, but official sources tell us it's only "aquatic action" and there's no cause for alarm. And we believe them.
The Federal Reserve: We have decided to dump more water onto the ship in the hope of making it float.
The Federal Government: Hey, these deck chairs look pretty nice. Let's rearrange them!
The Doctor: We need to order a couple dozen CT scans of the ship's null and bill them to Medicare before we have any idea at all what to do.
The Denialist: Stop talking about negative things. Stay focused on the positive and you won't need a life vest.
The Realist: This ship is going down, folks. You might want to think about taking action to keep yourself alive.
The Gullible Masses: Don't worry, this ship is unsinkable.
Even if it did sink, there are plenty of lifeboats.
Even if there aren't enough lifeboats, we all have life jackets.
Even if we don't have enough life jackets, the government will come and save us.
The FDA: We believe the ship is sinking because of an e.coli infection that spread from the galley.
The CDC: Everybody should get vaccinated before the ship sinks, just in case there's a shark-flu virus in the water.
The New Ager: There is no hole in the ship unless you believe there is a hole in the ship.
The Catholic priest: I think we should save all the children first. Which lifeboat are they on again?
The Journalist: The Titanic has a hole in its side, but official sources tell us it's only "aquatic action" and there's no cause for alarm. And we believe them.
The Federal Reserve: We have decided to dump more water onto the ship in the hope of making it float.
The Federal Government: Hey, these deck chairs look pretty nice. Let's rearrange them!
The Doctor: We need to order a couple dozen CT scans of the ship's null and bill them to Medicare before we have any idea at all what to do.
The Denialist: Stop talking about negative things. Stay focused on the positive and you won't need a life vest.
The Realist: This ship is going down, folks. You might want to think about taking action to keep yourself alive.
The Gullible Masses: Don't worry, this ship is unsinkable.
Even if it did sink, there are plenty of lifeboats.
Even if there aren't enough lifeboats, we all have life jackets.
Even if we don't have enough life jackets, the government will come and save us.
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