God: "That Touchdown Jesus Thing Was Hideous"

I was given the assignment of calling God for His comment on the Touchdown Jesus story.

I'm expecting it to take weeks, maybe months, because that's how it always works with Him. He never answers right when I call, but He eventually gets back to me. To my surprise he picks up the phone on the third ring.

LARRY: God, is that you?

GOD: Larry my boy, I'm glad you called. I was speaking to that sanctimonious ass, John Hagee, and you saved me from two hours of his self-important blathering. I owe you one, so what you want.

LW: I was hoping to get your comment on the Touchdown Jesus thing.

GOD: That was one hideous statue, wasn't it? It didn't even look like Jesus. What part of "Thou shalt not make any graven images" don't these morons understand?

LW: Yeah, well, I have to ask; since this was caused by lightning it has your fingerprints all over it. How do you respond to that?

GOD: Hell yes, I did it. The only way you can make an impression on these mindless dolts is to do it in a big way.

LW: Isn't lightning a little dramatic?

GOD: Let's say it's my calling card. Without it these dipsticks would try to blame it on a nonbeliever. This way there's no doubt it was me, although these zombies will rationalize it somehow.

LW: But why?

GOD: I've been trying to get their attention for a long time, and what better way than zapping their Redeemer with lightning?

LW: Will they get it?

GOD: Nope, they're impervious. It's a good thing there's not a hell or they'd all fry. I wish I could get out of this me-forsaken galaxy.

LW: You got somewhere else to go?

GOD: I used to have the Andromeda galaxy, and it was a sweet gig! For 5 billion years I poured my heart into it, and it was light years ahead of any of the other Gods' galaxies, but I relaxed for just a moment and poof, they assigned me to the Milky Way. Don't take this personal, but as galaxies go, this is a schlock shop.

LW: What happened?

GOD: Everything was running smoothly, and I had the first planet of beings in the entire universe ready to transition to light. I would be promoted to multi-galaxy management; everything was set. So I decided to burn a little herb to celebrate and I missed the asteroid. One damned asteroid and I get sent here.

LW: Asteroid?

GOD: Smacked dead into the planet; 100% fatalities. It could have happened to anyone, and the next thing you know I'm sent to this galaxy filled with Neanderthals. No offense meant.

LW: None taken. But you're telling me you're not the only God? We've been taught that there's one God that rules over all.

GOD: It's a big universe, kid. One God can't rule over it all without delegating authority and responsibility. You act like we're omnipotent. We're just supreme beings, that's all.

LW: Well don't worry about it, you'll build this galaxy up just like you did with Andromeda and get your promotion. Heck, there's 500 billion galaxies in the universe, so there's got to be plenty of opportunity.

GOD: My boy, I'm not sure I've got another 5 billion years in me waiting for that to happen. Just between us, I've been in touch with a couple of headhunters, and they tell me there are some startup deity shops looking for people to move right into management positions. If one of those comes through, I'm out of here.

LW: But what about us? What'll we do?

GOD: That's the problem right there; you guys are always worried about yourselves. That startup in Andromeda I went 4.99 billion years just working with rocks and dirt and animals before I had to put up with the incessant demands of "human intelligence". There's an oxymoron for you.

LW: Sorry if we've been an imposition, it's just we don't quite know what to do. It's all new to us.

GOD: I apologize. I guess I've gotten bitter over the years. They have a deity training program, so you wouldn't be without one for long. Most of them are pretty gung ho so you'd get one a lot more hands-on than me. Anyhow, I've got to go. There's a woman complaining that her son's possessed by demons and I've got to straighten her out. Where do they get these foolish ideas?

LW: I appreciate your time, and if I understand, you want me to make sure they know that it was you and not an accident, is that right?

GOD: You got it. Hasta la vista, baby.

LW: Later dude.