by Editilla O'rilla d'Aphasia…”on the beat off the record"
[dateline: Flint, Michigan]
One-time Presidential candidate, free speech activist, beaver enthusiast and inventor of "The Wheelie! Protective Cup", Larry Flynt announced today his intention to run for mayor of New Orleans. But why announce in Flint, Michigan? "Well, I like the name recognition." says Flynt, in Flint. "People often call me a skin-flint. And also, everyone knows how Flint starred in Michael Moore's first movie. What a lot of people don't know is that Michael starred in one of my movies back in the 70s and worked for me as a cub intern early in his career. That's right. Where do you think he first learned the secret ins and outs of hidden-camera blackma—errr'ah, I mean, documentary film making? But does he ever remember to mention who gave him his first shot, who broke him in, showed him the ropes, taught him how to struggle, how to behave, how to say 'yes please, Mr. Flynt, may I have another?' Does he ever think of me when palms his little Oscar? Nah! What a pig."
When asked about his reasons for leaving a lucrative position at the head of such an Ostentatious Pornography Potentatency (OPP) to try to run the city of New Orleans, arguably the least lucrative work in the OPP business, the Master Bater had this to say, "Leave this? You gotta be joking. But hey, did not Nagin prove that you don't have to actually "live" in the city to be elected mayor, much less show up for work? Plus I already have a Hustler Club down there on Bourbon St, which would save the city a bundle on office space, secretaries, VIP "conference" rooms and Congressional lays --errrah, I mean, liaisons."
Larry Mack went on to further expoundulate upon his new fetish for Louisiana politics, "New Hell! I've been making butt'loads of money off of Louisiana politicians for years. It’s just lately that I didn't even have to pay any money up front. Wish I'd'a figured that one out sooner, like when I was opening my club. Jezuz'Judaz! Now THAT cost a porkin' tub-0-greese! But it turns out to be a much better return on investment this way. Yeah, there's the cost of the occasional lie detector tests, but that's what, 150 bucks? Chump change. That reward money I used to entrap, errr'ah, I mean…ensnare Sen. Bob “Make a” Livingston? It all came from donations! I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And get this, the magazine revenues generated by that one 'outing' paid for a lot of my girls to finish high school—errr’ah, I mean college, let me tell you. I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And this guy Vitter? Aw man, what a gold mine! I can’t beat 'em off with a stick!"
Campaign slogan anyone?
