To: Tom Delay
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Duck and shuck
I wish you my heartiest congratulations on so far evading the slammer, my hammer, as effectively as you did with Vietnam. Yet let it never be said that total lack of military experience has stopped you from being a master armchair general. Nor do you lack for colleagues with equally impressive credentials. But simply because you didn't serve when you had the opportunity doesn't mean that you can't gun for those lily-livered liberals who didn't evade military service. Damn those war veterans if they don't want wars initiated and managed by a flock of ignorant, power hungry, carpetbaggers without any military background. The bleeding-heart liberals are biased because of their war experiences.
Take for example, Tom, when you told Fox News' Neil Cavuto that America would be far worse off in Iraq if John Kerry was president. How devilish it was to say that John Kerry "is the soul . . . of the Democratic Party, the banner-carrier, and he reflects what Democrats' first instinct is: cut and run."
That's pricelessly perverse, my roach-killing Robspierre from Texas. Accuse your opponents of your worse sins. Kerry volunteered for the Navy, served in Vietnam and won the Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, and Purple Hearts. All the time you were receiving "student draft deferments during the Vietnam era and avoided military service through the 1969 lottery." Years later, according to the Houston Press, you boldly alleged that:
"He and Quayle, DeLay explained to the assembled media in New Orleans, were victims of an unusual phenomenon back in the days of the undeclared Southeast Asian war. So many minority youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like himself."
You got it, Tom. If you're going to tell a whopper, make it Texas size. People would rather believe a big lie than they would a small one. Your bullshit sure smelled like a bed of roses compared to the crap that Newt Gingrich served up to Jane Mayer for a 1985 Wall Street Journal story: "Part of the question I had to ask myself was what difference I would have made" in serving in Vietnam. At least he wasn't as stupid as John Bolton who admitted that "I didn't want to die in some South Asian rice paddy."
Dick Cheney simply said he had other priorities. George W. Bush went to Alabama where no one has ever stepped forward to claim the reward money for proving Dubya actually showed up for duty. Dennis Hastert got out for having bad knees but was able to continue with his college wrestling. Saxby Chambliss also got out for bad knees but has since been able to miraculously recover enough to routinely jog and play basketball.
Here's but a partial list of some of the most outspoken advocates of war who have never served when they had the opportunity: Roy Blunt, Neal Boortz, Ann Coulter, Jerry Falwell, Bill Frist, Sean Hannity, Bill Kristol, Trent Lott, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Bill O'Reilly, Richard Perle, Pat Robertson, Karl Rove, Rick Santorum, Michael Savage and Paul Wolfowitz.
So keep on attacking those war veterans like John Murtha who opposes war for fun, profit and religious fulfillment. Attack the patriotism of veterans like Max Cleland who lost three limbs serving in Vietnam. Keep on claiming that Democrats are the ones who run and cut, even all the way back to the first Democrat, Andrew Jackson. Call cowards the southern Democrats of the Confederacy. Assert Woodrow Wilson was a coward for getting us into World War I. Allege that FDR couldn't hack World War II. Claim Kennedy ran from Khrushchev.
Show no shame. Express no gratitude. Appease the war mongers. Give me blood. Riches and power will be yours. Just give me a world holy war.
Yours in greed,
Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Tags: Tom Delay, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, John Kerry, Democrats, Republicans, Dennis Hastert, Saxby Chambliss, Jack Kemp, Roy Blunt, Neal Boortz, Ann Coulter, Jerry Falwell, Bill Frist, Sean Hannity, Bill Kristol, Trent Lott, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Bill O'Reilly, Richard Perle, Pat Robertson, Karl Rove, Rick Santorum, Michael Savage, Paul Wolfowitz, Satire, Humor