To: Glen Beck, Ann Coulter, Jonathan Hoenig, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Devil of the Week for July 9
My dear scribes:
The competition was cutthroat this week for my coveted award. You all have done a marvelous job and are to be commended for all the hate you have incited. So without further ado, let me list this week's finalists for my little devil of the week:
Glenn Beck: "Hey, everybody. Hurry up; we've got World War III to fight. Yes, it is the end of days. Isn't it? . . . I also know that whether you like it or not, this is a religious war. . . . That's why we need to get on that World War III bandwagon."
Ann Coulter: "This is how Bush "intimidates" the press? The level of intimidation I had in mind is more along the lines of how President Dwight D. Eisenhower "intimidated" Julius and Ethel Rosenberg at 8 in the morning, June 19, 1953."
"I prefer a firing squad, but I'm open to a debate on the method of execution [for New York Times executive editor Bill Keller]."
Jonathan Hoenig, the "Capitalist Pig" (on Fox News' Your World with Neil Cavuto): "I would love to see us launch a pre-emptive attack on North Korea" because the stock market would rise.
Bill O'Reilly: "I mean, they still have people in Brazil running around with their little darts, hitting you in the head with the poisoned darts, with the loincloths. They still have 'em down there. And they're driving an ethanol vehicle. After they hit you with the poisoned dart, OK, they get into their ethanol vehicle and drive back into the Amazon to do whatever they do there. Eat tapioca, whatever."
Michael Savage: " Liberalism is, in essence, the HIV virus, and it weakens the defense cells of a nation. What are the defense cells of a nation? Well, the church. They've attacked particularly the Catholic Church for 30 straight years. The police, attacked for the last 50 straight years by the ACLU viruses. And the military, attacked for the last 50 years by the Barbara Boxer viruses on our planet."
Ok, Bill O'Reilly, you're slipping. You just sound like a meanspirited bigot who is losing control of his cognitive processes. Try a little more sophistication if your frontal lobes can stand the strain.
Jonathan Hoenig, you can't be so blunt. Sure war is good for business but the masses aren't ready for such straightforwardness. Please stick within the parameters I've defined and use patriotism and religiosity to incite war, not such obvious greed.
Michael Savage, you did a great job of confabulating liberals and AIDS, as well as totally lying about the nature of liberalism, which is the founding political system that grants you the freedom of speech to trash freedom. While your attacks are vile and inflammatory, you failed to prescribe any mass violence as a remedy.
Glen Beck, you are to be highly commended and are this week's recipient of the Chicken Little fear monger award for proclaiming the start of World War III. Keep on denouncing those liberals as hysterical for asserting that there is a civil war in Iraq while you continue enlisting recruits for a religious World War III that you have yet to manufacture.
Ann Coulter, once again you are the devil of the week for pushing the limits of free speech in calling for violence against liberals and a free press. Any liberal saying the same would be picked up for questioning by the FBI and never allowed on television or radio again. But you, my demented dear, will continue to rake in the money even when you repeat that liberals should be executed or sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Again, allow me to express my sincerest thanks to all of you for so selfishly promoting my talking points and agenda. Keep up the work of doing evil in the name of God and country.
Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon