Good Morning Middle America. Welcome to your King of Simple News Network, where we take the face of the news and mine down to the truth.
US NEWS: Starbucks or more properly stated, “Morebucks” is having some difficulty these days. Our economist department here at Simple News will attempt to dig down to the source of the problem…where the heck is that economist hat…okay I’m ready. Armed with the twin tools of Mikeronomics and Mikemathics, we will dissect the obvious.
Starbucks spread across the U.S. like the Hong Kong flu. Names like Geno’s Tire Service and Starbucks Coffee, sprung up on every corner. Alan Greenspan was providing the moolah and Starbucks was providing the Java. Life as they say; was good.
What really blew the lid off was when some young college whippersnapper said “Hey, that’s coffee in this cup and I just paid $5.00 for it!” Discoveries of this magnitude spread like wildfire, and soon everyone but Donald Trump gets it. “Dude, with my credit card balance rivaling the National Debt of Brazil, maybe I should just drink water or like something.” (That’s how young college whippersnappers talk). After all, you can just run that stuff out of the faucet for free or buy it for $1.50 per pint.
These types of scientific breakthroughs are playing havoc with U.S. business all the way around. Certainly, Home Depot has not escaped the terrible calamities of new insights, never before realized.
You may remember that Robert “Bad Bob” Nardelli, former Home Depot CEO, was shown the way to the door in recent times as a result of the failing profits in that company. It was a brutal force out for ol’ “Bad Bob,” as the board said, “Take this $210 Million and get out.” (I’m not making that up). The good news for “Bad” is that Chrysler hired him, due to his having good hair and being a former football player, to run that outfit and to hand 25,000 workers their hat…just not the $221 Million kicker.
So Home Depot then, promoted Frank Blake to CEO, a man who was apparently smarter than Nardelli (A few Million doesn’t buy that much talent), to determine just exactly what the drop in business was all about. After hours and hours of grueling meetings in a five star hotel and between rounds of golf, the new “Big Guy” showed his worth and hit the nail right on the head. (Get it? Home Depot, nail on the head?). Okay, I’ll stick to reporting and drop the jokes.
In an announcement in front of the entire board of directors and the companies top share holders, Mr. Blake trotted out his discovery. “Housing as you know is in the toilet. Home Depot, as many of you don’t know, sells building materials.” When asked what he thought the future of Home Depot was, Fast Frank (called so because of his quick wit) said, “If we are successful in our new venture of creating an in-store, Sub-Subprime Loan Company, I think we may be able to sink the remainder of Middle America. In the mean time, our competent managers are working on a barge large enough to send an entire store to China.”
This just in from DETROIT: Ford, G.M. and Chrysler while not down the drain, remain on that end of the tub. Toyota, celebrating their passing of G.M. as the world’s largest auto maker, is coming out with a commemorative model aptly named, “The Enola Gay II” One Japanese official stated, “It took 60 years, but we finally won.”
Also just in from WASHINGTON D.C.: The Whitehouse has just reported that the economy is doing superbly, unemployment is nearly non-existent, we are winning the war, inflation doesn’t exist, gasoline is expected to drop sharply, industry and farming will be returning to America…and the best for last; a new study by congress has, with near certainty, determined that Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy are brother and sister.Wake up Middle America, this isn’t a fairy tale in real life.