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Slaves to Christ and Compassion Unite: Free Markets Must Prevail

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[Warning: Satire Ahead]

“Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.”

–John Maynard Keynes

If you’re nodding your head in agreement with Keynes and expecting validation of your opinion as you read this piece, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Forget the humanitarian, bleeding heart nonsense. Let’s reflect on the words of Thomas Sowell instead:

“Despite a voluminous and often fervent literature on ‘income distribution,’ the cold fact is that most income is not distributed: It is earned.”

We live in reality ladies and gentlemen. Not some utopian fantasy dreamt up by the likes of idealistic dreamers like Marx and Engels.

Ours is indeed a cold, cruel world. The sooner each of us accepts our lot, makes the most of it, and moves on, the better off we will all be. The ingenious and industrious Bill Gates deserves every penny he has. By the same token, the dregs of society inhabiting places like Skid Row and eating from dumpsters are reaping their just rewards for their depraved, lazy, and ignorant ways.

In fact, the brilliant thinkers broadly classified as Social Darwinists were “spot on,” as the Brits would say. “Survival of the fittest” is as applicable to humanity as it is to the rest of the animal kingdom. We are not immune to this inevitable aspect of life on Earth. It is time we accept the “law of the jungle” and terminate our puerile efforts to artificially mitigate natural human suffering.

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By God, we live in America! We are the bastion of the free market! We’re the uber capitalists and it’s time we began to act accordingly. Reagan, Friedman, Rand, Bush, and a host of other highly lucid thinkers have shown us the way. It seems we are just too damned cowardly to traverse the trail they have blazed.

As Americans, we extol the virtues of freedom and rail against oppression. Yet we allow our hallowed free market to languish, severely crippling it with a host of asinine socialist elements that seriously compromise our opportunity to revel in the glorious splendor of true capitalism.

We have wasted years applying half-measures and giving lip service to free market capitalists, the potential saviors of humanity. Perpetual teases that we are, time and again we lure them into bed with the promise of sexual nirvana. Yet more often than not, we toy with them long enough to satiate our sadistic impulses and then leave them to masturbate their way to carnal bliss.

Sure, eliminating the Cadillac-driving welfare queens was an important step, but if we’re going to right this ship, we have to go all the way. All of us need to get up off our lazy asses, relinquish our infantile dependence on government programs, and slay the beast of socialism once and for all.

Here are the remedial steps that we must implement if we are to unleash the free market and reclaim capitalism’s former glory:

1. Eliminate the public education system. If you don’t have money, you remain ignorant.
2. Immediately cut public funding to maintain roads and highways. A toll booth at every other intersection would be a small price to pay for the reinvigoration of free markets.
3. Close all public libraries. If you want to read, buy your books.
4. Shut down all forms of public transit. Walking is good exercise.
5. Completely deregulate and privatize public utilities. If the market drives prices too high for you, you can buy candles, piss in buckets, sweat, shiver, and boil creek water.
6. Abolish police and fire departments. Settle your own disputes, protect yourselves, and keep your buckets and garden hoses handy.
7. Put the EPA out of our misery. It’s time to end the tyrannical reign of fear mongering environmentalists.
8. Labor laws, EEOC and OSHA? These anachronistic impediments to profit need to go. Let the market dictate wages, hours and working conditions. People need to be thankful to have a job, regardless of how miserable, discriminatory, or dangerous it might be.
9. Eradicate the FDA and USDA. If a food or drug starts killing large numbers of people, distributors and manufacturers will police themselves in order to sustain their profitability.
10. Dismantle the FAA. Plane crashes are simply a cost of doing business. Let’s put a sense of adventure back into flying.
11. Halt all Social Security and Medicare handouts. The programs are insolvent. Our elderly need to start fending for themselves. Wal-Mart needs greeters. And as for those who are too infirm or feeble to work, they’re fortunate to have lived as long as they have.
12. Kudos to Clinton for creating TANF, but he didn’t go far enough. Medicaid and TANF must go. It’s time we introduced our spoiled and lazy rabble to the concept of the workhouse. It worked for the Victorians; it can work for us.

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Enacting these twelve reforms would go a long way toward restoring the supremacy of free market capitalism. However, our task would not be complete.

Consider an even more critical challenge. To unfetter the free market, we must divorce ourselves from the idiocy of Christianity. Let’s face it. Christ was about compassion, love, generosity, and forgiveness. In the final analysis, Jesus was a loser who provided false hope for misfits, outcasts, incompetents, and weaklings. As free market capitalists driven by greed, selfishness, and hyper-competitiveness, we need to exorcise Christ’s moronic teachings from our society and culture.

Now let’s get busy.

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Jason Miller, Senior Editor and Founder of TPC, is a tenacious forty something vegan straight edge activist who lives in Kansas and who has a boundless passion for animal liberation and anti-capitalism. Addicted to reading and learning, he is mostly (more...)
 

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Brilliant piece, and thanks for reminding me. Now ... by Robert Hoogenboom on Tuesday, Jul 17, 2007 at 7:12:48 AM
Wonderful, Jason, but with the Cretins of both par... by Roy Murtishaw on Tuesday, Jul 17, 2007 at 10:04:58 AM