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God Revokes Holy Land Status--All Agree It's Time to "Pull It"

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This is Ian Jones of the BBC with breaking news. The lease that has been in place for thousands of years granting exclusive Holy Land Status to the area between Iran and the Mediterranean, is about to be pulled, or should we say revoked. And here in our studio are none other than God himself to fill us in on just what is up.

BBC: Greetings God and thank you for taking the time to share this exclusive story with the BBC!

God: You are welcome and greetings Ian. We felt you would do the nicest job for us and have the worldwide audience we wish to appeal to for input. We all were trying to pick out just who to approach with this and agreed that we didn't want to go thru the no spin zone. Too much spin you know!

Jesus: We all got a good laugh out of that one.

BBC: Well, Jesus, welcome! What a pleasant surprise!

God: Yes, I was saving it, but he's always wanting to return somewhere on his own and since we have canceled his return to the old Holy Land, I guess he chose the BBC! Ha ha, cute!

Jesus: Thanks Ian, so nice to be here and I brought a guest as well, Hope you don't mind.

Allah: Well hello Ian, Allah here. Can't be revoking the Holy Land lease without ME!

BBC: Wow, all three of you! Well let me ask, just what was it that got you thinking the lease was up?

God: Well for me it was the murder of the Palestinian family on the beach, via rocket attack by the Israelis a few weeks back. It was kind of a symbol to me that the place just can't be called Holy anymore.

Jesus: For me, it was that too, but also the hopeless quagmire or Iraq. I know you guys try, but you are missing a lot of stuff there and Holy just doesnt' cut it.

BBC: Jesus, let me interrupt and ask if you feel badly about not returning to the Mount of Olives as you nce said.

Jesus: No, not at all. They didn't hold up their end of the bargain anyway and now I'm excited about landing with my feet on real grass, with tall trees, water and streams abounding. Rocks, dirt, sand and cutting pebbles always made me wonder why I ever agreed to come back there. Did you know that every loose stone on the ground has been thrown by someone at someone else at sometime in history. That's why you can never predict where the rocks will be next in the old Holy Land!

BBC: Thanks for that and back to the original question. Allah, what's your take on this?

Allah: I agree with Jesus and Hidatha hurt us all pretty badly. And of course, Abu Garib and blowing up my friends at a number of mosques. I never wrote anyting about that kind of Holy behavior.

BBC: So what do you think the reaction to revoking Holy Land status will be in the actual Holy Land?

God: We don't really care. We are God, so no threat there to us. We'll be sure they don't have a hissy fit that spills out over the rest of the innocent world. Actually, they all are going to classes right after the announcement is made. The leadership, both secular and religious of the Palestinians, Israelis, Iranians, Iraqis, Syrians, Egyptians, Lebanese and such will be having their brains swapped out for real working minds. They will be surprised how good it feels not to have sh*t for brains any more.

Jesus: Yes, and then I am going to give the sermon on the mount all over to them all again along with Allah who has a lot to say from his own perspective. It should be interesting.

BBC: And what about those that will simply not accept this?

All Three: Har har har har......that's a good one.

BBC: Ok, I understand...what was I thinking. At any rate, once this is a done deal, what preferences would you yourselves have for a new Holy Land.

Allah: Canada! I love Canada..."Oh Caaaa..na.da..!" I hear that at hockey games and love that! They are a calm people "eh"..ha ha! I think we can use hockey to channel the male aggression away from holy places and still have a great time! I love their lakes, woods, rivers and seasons. Maple syrup rocks and may be used in sacred ceremonies if we want that.

God: I love West By God Virginia, Pennsylavannia, NY and Ohio with the Great Lakes. Michigan is quite Holy of ground as well with it's Native American past. I love the Adirondaks and, for me makes a great new Holy Land...Of course, it's not all about me, so this is just my preference or just a thought.

Jesus: I like the Midwest USA with its grasses, and Native American traditions personally. I'd like to see a priesthood of Native American Fathers's who understood how real spirituality connected to the earth works. Thee is so much depleted uranium in the middle east now, it will be a long time before the place will be safe again anyhow. I like the South Central US, but we'd have to work with the Fundamentalist Christians there so we don't get a New Holy Land with old Talibanic type thinkers that need us all to be like them. I haven't been to one of their services in years and was pretty uncomfy when I went the few times in the past.

BBC: Well look here...Lord Krishna and Shakti! Welcome!

All Three: Welcome Krishna! Welcome Shakti!

Krishna: Thanks all and just wanted to get my say if I might. While much of Africa is stuck with some pretty darn unholy leadership, the land is beautiful and has potential. We're having classes as well for sh*t for brain leaders so just wanted to get us thinking about beautiful Africa a bit. Of course we have profoundly beautiful and spiritual lands in Tibet and Nepal.

God: Well, all options are on the table! Oh sorry! Jesus hates that phrase. He always says the SFB leaders need to quite using that phrase and maybe they'd get somewhere. But, the question is moot now. The lease is being pulled! I love that phrase. Boy, did that number 7 building on 9-11 come down clean and neat or what! We know who to call if we need to clear some land!

Jesus: Amen to that!

BBC: So how do we all vote on this and how will you take suggestions for a New Holy Land?

God: Just think them to us in a self addressed stamped thought! We'll ge them and give genuine consideration to all concerned.

All others: Yes, we sure will, everyone counts!

BBC: ANd for those that are not believers in you...may they participate in the choice of a New Holy Land?

Jesus: Oh absolutely! It's not their fault they don't believe in us. They never met us! The leaders in the old Holy Land, almost since getting the title, never properly represented what we meant anyway! Those will be some of the topics covered in the swap out your brain for a mind class. We've been on to them for millenia, but now it's over. Let's pull it!

God: Yes! Let's pull it!

Allah: Pull it!

Krishna; Yahooooo...Pull it!

Shakti: Pull the lease on the old Holy Land....yippee kai yei yay!

BBC: This is Ian Jones, of the BBC. What we have witnessed here is beyond amazing. God, Allah, Jesus, Krishna and Shakti have announced that very shortly the Holy land status of the Middle East is going to be "pulled" as they seem to enjoy saying! There is a NEW Holy Land to soon be announced and nations shall flow unto it evidently after all leadership types, both religious and political have taken the No More sh*t for Brains refresher course under direct teaching from our guests today. What a wonderful thing is happening! The old Holy Land is soon just to be the Old Land with nothing any longer being considered holy about it. One final question. Could the Old Land ever regain Holy Land status, say if they changed and showed good faith?

All in unison: NO....too much baggage....

This is Ian Jones of the BBC.

 

 

Dennis Diehl is a former pastor of 26 years,  who outgrew the Literalism of Fundamentalism.  He writes about Pastoral and Church abuse and is available to speak on such topics or be helpful to any church suffering under abusive (more...)
 

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to realize and face the reality of this situation.... by Isaiah Truman on Thursday, Jan 10, 2008 at 8:01:07 PM
that all should remember that we are all brothers ... by Athena88 on Monday, Jan 14, 2008 at 6:59:21 AM

 

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