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October 30, 2008 at 09:10:21
Promoted to Headline (H3) on 10/30/08: by Rob Kall |
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An old friend sent me something like this, but clearly written mostly with a right wing slant. So I rewrote every one, deleted some and added some to better reflect a more liberal perspective. Feel free to copy and pass on. rob kall www.opednews.com
HILLARY CLINTON: I was shot at by snipers while I helped that 58 year old white chicken wearing a pantsuit cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: I don't know why that chicken was carrying a cigar while crossing the road.
DIEBOLD VOTING MACHINE: There were 200 hundred chickens that crossed the road (from the town of 100 chickens) and they were all Republicans
MAINSTREAM MEDIA The chicken crossed the road with Brittany Spears and a missing Siamese twin, and was almost hit by an SUV pursued by police cars, with helicopters transmitting images of the event.
ALTERNATIVE MEDIA: A chicken, funded by big oil, big Pharma and pork barrel legislation promoted by lobbyists, crossed to the right side of the road.
FOX NEWS: The chicken was obviously a communist chicken. It was red. 
This liberal chicken crossed the road with $1 million in Democrat Funding
LOU DOBBS: The chicken was an illegal alien chicken running across the road to escape capture by the first brigade soldiers protecting America, in violation of Posse Comitatus, thank GOD.
REPUBLICAN PARTY: That chicken crossed the road without photo ID, making it ineligible to vote or cross the road-- and it's name wasn't on the chicken registry either, probably because it was a former prisoner.
JERRY FALWELL: The chicken was run over while crossing the road because it was in a gay marriage and God cursed it.
DECARTES: The chicken crosses the road, therefor it is.
CNN's WOLF BLITZER: The 12 foot tall chicken crossed the road. That's what the GOP tells us and we have no reason to ask any questions or doubt it.
BILL GATES: The road has been optimized so the chicken will cross the road faster and more safely if it uses Windows Vista as it's walking system. If there is a crash, we've made it easy to reboot the chicken. We call it MS egg.
WINDOWS VISTA: First make sure that no other animals are on the road. If there are any, start the next day with a clear road. Then, first, be sure the asphalt is within 60-80 degrees Fahrenheit. Then, call traffic control. Confirm that all lanes are clear for two miles. Feed the chicken the following mix of food. Check the chicken's feet. Yadda Yadda yadda. And then click the right button on the mouse....
APPLE MAC: The chicken crosses the road.
MACHIAVELLI: I helped the chicken cross the road to get its eggs.
DALAI LAMA We must ALL cross the road to be one with the chicken
JESUS It is easier to thread a camel through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy chicken to cross the road.
WOODY ALLEN: My brother thinks he's a chicken, so I help him cross the road, for the eggs.
by rob kall www.opednews.com
Rob Kall is executive editor, publisher and site architect of OpEdNews.com, President of Futurehealth, Inc, more...)
The views expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author
and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
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| 20 comments |
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Farmer
In response to: DICK CHENEY: Sorry about shooting the farmer helping the chicken cross the road. FARMER WHITTINGTON: I want to apologize to the Vice President for helping my chicken cross the road and for getting my face in the way. We all assume certain risks in whatever we do, whatever activities we pursue. And regardless of how experienced, careful and dedicated we are at crossing the street, accidents do and will happen – and that’s what happened to my chicken and me. My family and I are deeply sorry for all that vice president Cheney has had to go through this past week. As a token of my appreciation for him not killing me and for the pain he has suffered, I have put my chicken in a crate which I will then release into a small pen so Mr. Cheney can continue hunting. by Cheryl Biren-Wright (30 articles, 42 quicklinks, 8 diaries, 485 comments [8 recommended, 2 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 9:30:19 AM  (0+)
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The Chickenhawk
The chickenhawk crossed the road to find eggs of mass destruction and then to change the regime of the fox guarding the henhouse, and then to make the barnyard into a democracy. by Jay Farrington (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 236 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 9:54:34 AM (0+)
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Bill Clinton
Cause that's where the chicks were! by Michael Gaines (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 16 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:01:30 AM (0+)
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Donald Rumsfeld
You don't cross the road with the chicken you want, you cross the road with the chicken you've got. by Jay Farrington (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 236 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:15:54 AM (0+)
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That's a turkey and here's what Clinton really said
"When that chicken crossed the road she looked as good going as she did coming" by Cheryl Abraham (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 207 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:17:24 AM (0+)
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Reply: Of course it's a turkey.
But it's the Drudge report doing the reporting by Rob Kall (953 articles, 4178 quicklinks, 374 diaries, 2087 comments [45 recommended, 3 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:45:43 AM (0+)
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Reply: Ha ha!
Drudge report, sludge report, it's the same smell. by Cheryl Abraham (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 207 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 11:04:24 AM (0+)
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Reality Perspective
Listen up y'all. It doesn't matter whether it is a chicken or a turkey, as long as the fox is guarding the birdhouse Old Feathers there is Road Pizza! Politicians are foxes, none of them are going to save us or prevent eggs from being scrambled. There is no fairy tale ending here. by Pam Ladds (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 12 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:26:49 AM (0+)
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Karl Rove
I have transformed this born again chicken into a parrot; now go out and steal the election to manifest God's will for Amurica. by Jay Farrington (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 236 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:29:39 AM (0+)
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Donald Rumsfeld
"The images you are seeing on television you are seeing over, and over, and over, and it's the same picture of some chicken crossing the road with a vase, and you see it 20 times, and you think, 'My goodness, were there that many chickens? Is it possible that there were that many chickens in the whole country?' " by Glenda Moore (1 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 3 comments [1 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:45:25 AM (0+)
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McCain Campaign
Running around the road like a chicken with its head cut off by Jay Farrington (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 236 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:47:20 AM (0+)
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Rush Limbaugh
It's a liberal, socialist, communist, leftist plot to get the chicken across the road, put a wire on it, and bust me for taking the oxyconeggs it lays. Humph by Jay Farrington (13 articles, 2 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 236 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 11:03:17 AM (0+)
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ME:
The chicken crossed the road to prove to the skunk, possum, armadillo, dog, cat and deer that it COULD BE DONE. by Richard Volaar (39 articles, 0 quicklinks, 151 diaries, 478 comments [63 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 1:30:03 PM (0+)
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Reply: Me
Bravo!!! by Michael Gaines (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 16 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 3:39:43 PM (0+)
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I'm afraid...
The original is funier. Not the one your friend told, the real original. Or this one, from the Firesign Theater: Why did the short-hair (conservative) cross the road? Because someone told him to. Why did the long-hair (liberal--that's what those terms meant back then) cross the road? Because someone told him not to. by Maxwell (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 409 comments [85 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 1:40:49 PM (0+)
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Lou Dobbs (my take)
All the chickens were crossing the road. You know that Superhighway road that travels across the entire US, and a big Mac truck, an 18 wheeler driven by some illegal alien, hit all of those chickens, and now folks, the price of chicken has risen higher than imaginable. Is this the kind of America you want? by shirley reese (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 592 comments [98 recommended, 1 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 6:45:29 PM (0+)
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Reply: Better
Your take on Lou Dobbs is a lot better than Rob's. I know Lou Dobbs, and while he is obsessed with battling against illegal aliens, the Posse Comitatus bit is totally against character and mixes too many metaphors. P.S., I work in IT/Telecom and while illegal Mexicans don't have much impact on my job (although they do seem to dominate the cleaners who work at my company), I do see lots of jobs being exported to India and foreigners coming to work here on temporary visas of various types so that they can be trained to go back to their home country and work there for less. We can't keep up this exporting of jobs and importing of cheap labor. It is driving all of us into poverty (me included; I'm making less now than I made in 1998). Thus, I have a great deal of sympathy for Lou Dobbs. by Mr. Moderate (4 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 15 comments) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:27:45 PM (0+)
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You forgot the DNC
In ALL FAIRNESS, we will only put forward a candidate who espouses the values that ALL chickens, regardless of their willingness to cross the road, will arrive, at the other side with equal speed, even if we have to drive over the fastest chickens in our Hummers (purchased with our carbon credits) In addition, those chickens moving too quickly that are not driven over, will be TAXED, a speed tax, and that tax will be used to bring about a more fair way of ensuring that ALL chickens reach the other side at the same time. by steve scheetz (4 articles, 0 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 829 comments [52 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Oct 30, 2008 at 7:05:31 PM (0+)
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Since chickens don't fly too good...
he really should have taken a hyperblimp (not that I'm partial or anything). by Daniel Geery (26 articles, 95 quicklinks, 126 diaries, 912 comments [27 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Friday, Oct 31, 2008 at 2:26:45 AM (0+)
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THE MSM WOULD NEVER REPORT MOTIVE AND FACT
Rather, "The Rooster stated, 'The Chicken was fat, would not lay eggs, was unprepared to cross the road when she tried, and served on the Board of the Henhouse with the Fox before she tried to cross the road.'" by W.M.L. (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 537 comments [52 recommended, 1 rejected]) on Friday, Oct 31, 2008 at 4:18:36 AM (0+)
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