So Long, Mary Magdalene!
Forgiveness Of Sins Is Way Too Liberal!!
The
past week has Christian circles abuzz about the possibility of a new
version of Holy Scripture. "The Conservative Bible Project" is the (for
lack of a better word) brainchild of Scott Schlafly (son of Phyllis,
made, not begotten). It will attempt to expunge any passage it
considers too liberal so that the Bible can be Right. Evidently, God's
fax from heaven was bowdlerized and misinterpreted by commie-pinkos
intent on getting their own message published to the world like a
Che Guevera poster.
Here is an annotated version (also known as the DVRV - Dan Vojir Revised Version) of their guidelines:
Framework Against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias. KJV Only enthusiasts will certainly be pissed when they find out that they've been reading liberal propaganda!
Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity. The title "Macho Man's Bible" was nixed because it conjured up images of The Village People.
Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level. That depends, however, on where and when you went to school. Have you tried to read the signs at Tea Parties? And they use that crappy "burnt umber" color.
Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". Has the word "peace" changed in definition? When did that happen? Will they change "peace" to "pre-emptive strike"?
Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census. And what about Stoli instead of wine?
Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. This one is certainly debatable: is the concept of Hell logical? I mean, wasn't Dante on mushrooms when he wrote about The Inferno?
Express Free Market Parables: explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning. So Jesus trashed the money-changers because they weren't charging enough?
Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story. Boy, is Mel Gibson gonna be pissed! And think of all those Magdalene Laundries and awful wayward girls toiling away on a bogus passage!
Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels. It's a MIRACLE! Conservatives acknowledging open-mindedness! Glory Hallelujah! But, ah, "eyewitnesses"? Mark was at the Crucifixion? Mark wasn't an apostle, either, last time I checked (15 minutes ago).
Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." True: avoiding "unnecessary ambiguities" would slim down the Bible - to about the size of a good novel, like The Da Vinci Code! And talking about "unnecessary" - we should get rid of all those stupid "begats."
Framework Against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias. KJV Only enthusiasts will certainly be pissed when they find out that they've been reading liberal propaganda!
Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity. The title "Macho Man's Bible" was nixed because it conjured up images of The Village People.
Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level. That depends, however, on where and when you went to school. Have you tried to read the signs at Tea Parties? And they use that crappy "burnt umber" color.
Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". Has the word "peace" changed in definition? When did that happen? Will they change "peace" to "pre-emptive strike"?
Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census. And what about Stoli instead of wine?
Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. This one is certainly debatable: is the concept of Hell logical? I mean, wasn't Dante on mushrooms when he wrote about The Inferno?
Express Free Market Parables: explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning. So Jesus trashed the money-changers because they weren't charging enough?
Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story. Boy, is Mel Gibson gonna be pissed! And think of all those Magdalene Laundries and awful wayward girls toiling away on a bogus passage!
Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels. It's a MIRACLE! Conservatives acknowledging open-mindedness! Glory Hallelujah! But, ah, "eyewitnesses"? Mark was at the Crucifixion? Mark wasn't an apostle, either, last time I checked (15 minutes ago).
Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." True: avoiding "unnecessary ambiguities" would slim down the Bible - to about the size of a good novel, like The Da Vinci Code! And talking about "unnecessary" - we should get rid of all those stupid "begats."
The above absurdity has best been described by PZ Myer at Pharyngula:
When your claim of godly authority rests on your interpretation of God's holy word, but God's holy words contradict your desired ends, you're in a bit of a pickle. There is a solution, though: rewrite the Bible and change the liberal bits! For this reason some of the deranged editors at Conservapædia have launched The Conservative Bible Project, which will purge the wimpy stuff and return it to it's authentic roots.... as a book that could have been written by a dumb-as-a-stick American Republican NRA member who wants to kill communists and A-rabs.
Even some conservatives are knocking it. Here's Crunchy Con's take on it:
You really need to read the whole Conservapedia entry to grasp how crazy this is. It's like what you'd get if you crossed the Jesus Seminar with the College Republican chapter at a rural institution of Bible learnin'.
Blasphemous,
absurd, stupid, crackpot, retarded, asinine, incredulous, sophomoric,
puerile, sacrilegious, warped ... Sorry, but I don't have the space or
time to list all of the adjectives.
