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November 20, 2008 at 02:55:34
Promoted to Headline (H3) on 11/20/08: by Shannyn Moore Page 1 of 3 page(s) |
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Like it’s not bad enough. I’ve been hearing loons talk about secession up here my whole life. In Alaska, the three top ballot seats: President, Senate and House of Representatives, have candidates on the ballot from the secessionist Alaska Independent Party. In two of the three, the AIP holds at least 4% of the vote. The felonious Ted Stevens looks like he has convinced over a hundred thousand Alaskans what he couldn’t convince 12 jurors of a few weeks ago. Now, Keith Olbermann has the temerity to ask if it’s too late to sell Alaska back to the Russians. Repeatedly. America’s liberal boy-wonder is breaking up with me. He’s not the only one suggesting putting Alaska up on eBay, but I can only handle one break up at a time. Consider this partner counseling; the circle of truth; the trust tree.* I’m like many Alaskans, just not the one you've been forced to get to know lately. I know what newspapers I read. I know Africa is NOT a country. I know Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister of Canada, and I know he has T.V. perfect hair. I know who makes up NAFTA – which I thought was a crock when it passed. My favorite birthday present this year was the return of Habeas Corpus in a 5-4 US Supreme Court decision on June 12th. I’ve never been to New York City, but I wanted to puke in my mouth watching the Republican National Convention’s “9/11 Tribute to Fear.” I wasn’t born in the 60’s, but I know what race baiting is. I know the public executions of JFK, Malcolm X, MLK, and RFK-all in a five year span-drove the American progressive movement into a coma for nearly 40 years. A once empowered, liberal generation sat like Terry Schiavo watching balloons float by; Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I, Bush II. Wars, the corporate job-exporting economy, the perilous environment, expanded human rights violations, erosion of civil rights, The US Constitution compromised; none of it registered due to blunt force trauma on the American psyche.
Barack Obama’s voice blends many of those faint martyred messages cut short; human rights, hope, justice, peace, change. His inspirational urgency moved a generation politically paralyzed to stand up again. New generations learned to walk, on their own power, to change their futures. This promise is precarious. People my mother’s age hold their breath, pray he is safe, and bravely look forward from a painful past. I know, it takes one lone crazy, living in the apartment over his grandma’s garage; walls covered with “Pin-up Palin” shots who doesn’t need much more than a wink, a “pallin’ around with terrorists”, and her silence while “supporters” answered “terrorist!” and “kill him!” to her question of “Who is Barack Obama?” Even now, she’s still talking about “associations.”
I was born here, Sarah Palin was not. I don’t have a fabricated “Fargo” accent that sounds like I make casseroles with tater tots and mushroom soup. Many brilliant, artistic, articulate and cultured citizens call Alaska home. On November 4th, you got to shake your shoes of our Governor. You sleep easier now. Gone are the train wreck fantasies that kept you up at night; a 3am phone call and she, a heart beat away from the “nukular” codes. You now invest casual interest as you would a People magazine while waiting for dental work. BUT, SHE’S BACK HERE AND READY TO RULE!
Progressive Alaskans have a target on their backs for speaking out about her archaic philosophies and faith-based policies. January’s 2009 Legislative Session may see a bill allowing the aerial hunting of the exotic, but endangered species; “Alaskan Liberal.” I have a public creed of “painting a red state blue, one stroke at a time,” and you’re dumping me, Keith? Really?
Many suffer from PTSD-Post Traumatic Sarah Disorder. It comes with a long list of political collateral damage and shrapnel wounds. The McCain-Palin campaign sent Belmont level horsepower to Alaska to throw the Governor’s “enemies” under the Straight Talk Express Bus. NYC would have spit; Alaska gagged and swallowed.
This afternoon, the AP just called Alaska’s Senate race for Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich. But for two weeks, it looked like we elected a felon. Ted Stevens has been a senator since before I was born. People here are torn between nostalgia and history. No matter where you travel in-state, you bump into establishments named after him; The Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport; Ted Stevens Marine Research Institute; Ted and Catherine Stevens Center for Science and Technology Education and the Stevens Family Chalet at the Hilltop Ski Area in Anchorage. Many can’t imagine Alaska without him, but I can!
I can imagine Ted making license plates wearing an orange jumpsuit! My friend, Phil, says Stevens’ punishment should be overseeing the re-naming of all his institutional namesakes. I’m a recovering commercial fisherman, and I know he sold us out. His confirmation of "conservative" judges paved the way for the recent Baker vs. Exxon case that robbed many Alaskan fishermen of damages incurred by the 1989 Valdez Oil Spill. The R.A.T.S. (Roberts, Alito, Thomas, and Scalia) saw fit to cap the award at ten cents on the dollar after 19 years. Translation to Exxon: four days profit for environmental terrorism-the cost of doing business. Translation to Alaskans: F*@# YOU! Bend over, we’re driving.
The only thing Uncle Ted liked better than the Patriot Act was the Military Commissions Act. His “Incredible Hulk” tie trumped the Constitution more than once. I broke up with him a long time ago. Do I seem bitter?
Mark Begich is Senate seat-worthy. I begged him to run for higher office when he was a weekly guest on my local radio show. I called him the “Fairy-God Mayor” for making many of my municipal dreams come true. During one of our weekly chats, I asked the Mayor what he liked on his pizza. (I have a secret theory people order up their life like they do pizza.) He said, “Oh, just put it all on there. If I don’t like something, I’ll pick it off.” I loved that answer; low maintenance and not afraid to try it all. (BTW, according to my theory, if you don’t like pizza you may need some hotline help.)
Part of wanting Mark to run for higher office was nostalgia for his father’s brilliant political career tragically cut short. Congressman Nick Begich was lost in a plane crash with Louisiana Congressman Hale Boggs in October of 1972. A few weeks later, though presumed dead, Congressman Begich beat his challenger Don Young by 12.4%. A special election was then called which Don Young won. He still holds the seat today.
Truth be told, I wanted a Begich to take the seat back from Don Young, who squandered it. Seeing Mark Begich take the Senate seat has more historic healing for many old time Alaskans than seeing Stevens retain it.
Not to get too “professor” on you, Keith (think hair up, glasses, short skirt, high heels. Oh wait, never mind!) I want you to know what you’re ready to cut loose.
First Alaskans thrived in a frozen land for thousands of years and left no foot print. In 1867, Russia gave you a hell of a deal at 1.9 cents an acre. The Klondike Gold Rush was a quick pay back, and gave Charlie Chaplin some great material.
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| 19 comments |
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We like you, Shannyn
Shannyn, I'm sure Keith would appologize to you if you are really offended. But the fact you have to accept is that Palin has been the "Face Of Alaska" that the masses have seen. She is completely incompetent for even the Govenors position, let alone National politics. The "lower 48's" view of Alaska is that the majority (certainly not ALL) of it's citizens are ultra-right wingnuts. I live in Nebraska, a right wingnut state. Fortunately, Omaha, where I live, went to Obama with our one electoral vote. I share your feelings when people think of us as backwards, red necked idiots, which 50+% really are. So don't be too offended but rather get to work and help make the Democrats a majority!! by Ron Freeman (1 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 7 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 12:00:04 PM  (0+)
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Dear Shannyn
You are goooooood. Stand up.....in print. Boy oh boy. Whoop de doo. Stitch me up. It is amazing to me how humor allows the truth to be heard. Carlin, Pryor, Hicks et al.... Aint it a gas how free furniture and 18 wheelers full of two by fours can f up a lifetime of self indugent for the people representation. Bye Ted. And I would like to offer apologies to you that many down here in the lower forty eight still wonder if you have cable yet. Sarah was fun. Back to you. peace by mikel paul (14 articles, 1 quicklinks, 11 diaries, 570 comments [13 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 1:00:59 PM (0+)
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We Love You Shannyn!
Shannyn-- Consistently I love your appearances on KO, and your writing is a knockout! We don't need to throw out the Baby Jesus with the oil-soaked bathwater; in other words, can't we just put Palin and Stevens on an ice floe and keep the rest of the beautiful state of Alaska? And one of the most beautiful parts is you, my dear! Keep up the wonderful writing--we need your intelligence and wit for the coming hard times ahead! Your biggest fan (and no I do not have a mallet by the bedside), Eric Malone by Eric Malone (12 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 6 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 1:39:41 PM (0+)
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Satire ala Swift
Shannyn, thanks for a great piece of satirical review. After Bill Maher, your work is some of the best. If it's any consolation, my view of your fellow statesmen and women was significantly improved when, shortly after Palin's selection as VP candidate, an astonishingly large group of women demonstrated against Palin right there in Anchorage. Most of us down here don't think of Alaskans as a bunch of Robt. W. Service characters like cremating Daniel McGee. You may have been represented by Stevens too long but his ouster is obviously going to be a good thing for Alaska and for America. Keep up the good work. by Larry Retzack (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 43 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 2:27:25 PM (0+)
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Cracked Me Up!
Hillarious and true. Great read, Shannyn! I hope Keith sees it and gives you a shoutout on Countdown. P.S.- I kinda hope Ted Stevens only gets a stiff fine, no jail time. I mean. He's soooo old. Plus, after seeing the pics of his house I can't bring myself to be all that mad at a guy who just wanted to add a sunroom and a deck or two onto his 2-story doublewide. lol by Sitafa Harden (9 articles, 12 quicklinks, 4 diaries, 21 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 2:37:06 PM (0+)
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Awesome!
That piece was truly awesome Shannyn, thank you SO much for the chuckles (Esp. the YOU Sir! and the Bigger the hair the closer to God rapture watchers). Those McChurch types I fear the most with their ideology. Also very much appreciated some of the history of Alaska and it's 'first's, something to definitely be proud of. (I certainly had no idea) I hope that Keith sees that and invites you on his show (and apologizes) and you kiss and make up. (Once he's enlightened he'll have to). It's time now for the intelligensia and the hardy frontiersmanship to shine thru once again up there. Good luck with your new congressman Mr. Begich! Many many kudos to you and keep up the great work. WOW what a talent you have! by Purple Onion (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 2 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:09:55 PM (0+)
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Wow...How enjoyable reading you!
Sahannyn, This is an excellent article. Boy I enjoy reading it! Although personally I didn't think all alaskans weRe alike. I'm thankful you put things into perspectives in reminding us Palin was just an exception to the rule. Please note I too was scared of her possibility to occupy the most powerful office. Now she has more time to learn then we'll see. BTW - I have a very good friend born in Alaska living in CA. Glad for the opportunity for more potential friends now. And you managed to demonstrate she wasn't born in Alaska and all seems to make sense again. Question: may I ask your input on my new article? It'd be nice to hear your views on the next administration priorities. Here's the link: http://www.opednews.com/articles/What-priorities-in-OBAMALO-by-Lydia-Kopere-Patte-081117-97.html Or please just go to www.change.gov If you can't don't worry. I won't judge you (smile!). I understand. Again thank you for sharing this great article by Lydia Kopere Patterson (6 articles, 0 quicklinks, 1 diaries, 154 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:21:56 PM (0+)
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right on!
OK, "right on!" identifies me as a '60s type, but this is an excellent commentary. This is a solid perspective. Because Alaskans elected Palin as their governor, we tend to believe they're all like that. (I did have doubts about Texas, though last 8 years.) I have a friend, a journalist actually, who lives in Homer. And he seems relatively normal. I even talked with a couple of editors the past few months--and they all seemed normal, and rather intelligent. (Now, I realize putting "editor" and "intelligent" into a sentence may not be accurate, but we'll let it pass.) Thank you for giving us a solid dose of reality. walter brasch/ www.walterbrasch.com by Brasch (87 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 70 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:33:23 PM (0+)
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Poor Colorful, Crazy Alaska, Strapped in with Nitwit Sarah
Shannon, I love you! This article is so witty, so articulate, so colorful--it inspires hope in me that Alaska is not the gosh-darn-most-backwater state in the Union that Caribou Barbie would make you think it is. I feel for Alaskans such as you being strapped in again like bedfellows with someone who probably should be in a straight-jacket to have that much audacity and that little actual intelligence, who comes on the scene and makes Alaska look like a hotbed of intellectual regression that backs up to Medieval era thinking, when she doesn’t do your state justice no-how no-way. Your voice, my dear Shannon, needs to be heard! So glad you are a talk-show host. Hurray! That Keith Olbermann needs to call you up and renege on his break-up, post-haste! For what it's worth, I believe it was likely more than the assassinations of the great Progressive leaders you listed that put Progressive thinking into a coma for 40 years (although, certainly, those terrorist acts drew major blows). Seems to me more like the Military-Industrial complex that Eisenhower warned us about, fighting for world hegemony, owning all the best financial institutions and pumping money and therefore power into lobbying efforts to control and perpetuate same, but I digress. Oh, I loved the line about the fake Fargo accent. Whoo-hoo! On a completely personal and non-political note, I spent a glorious summer in Anchorage (which lasted around two months, before Autumn, which lasted two weeks) and I had a blast. I enjoyed the folks I met immensely, and found them to be a lovable motley crew. Besides that, there was the salmon and the whiting fries, which were just heavenly, and then don’t let’s forget Chilkoot Charlie's, which may be the best watering hole on planet Earth, but that's another story. Anyway, thank you for your fresh and amusing viewpoint. I’ll Favorite you, and maybe send Keith O. a little written nudge to look up your number. by Tumerica (14 articles, 0 quicklinks, 6 diaries, 44 comments) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:06:38 PM (0+)
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Alaska. Majestic Alaska.
Thank you, Shannyn! You've put Alaska back on the map as one of my favorite go-to places. Now, if you can just work another miracle... stop Mendenall from melting so it'll still be there for next time. And the next. by Lani Massey Brown (16 articles, 0 quicklinks, 2 diaries, 21 comments [3 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:18:08 PM (0+)
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Funny
McChurches promise to Super Size your Jesus. They haven’t noticed the miracle of “curing a gay guy” wasn’t mentioned in the works of Christ. I thoroughly enjoyed your article. Thanks for reminding someone just about as far as you can get from Alaska, St Petersburg, FLA that not all Alaskans are not like your shrill talking nasal toned governor. by Michael Chavers (53 articles, 0 quicklinks, 15 diaries, 198 comments [5 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:28:01 PM (0+)
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Can states deport people?
Having lived in Arizona when Evan Mecham was governor there, I can relate. It's rough when people start snickering as soon as they hear where you live. We have a sizeable minority who are deeply unhappy living in a free country - they desperately yearn to dwell in a theocracy, and when enough of them accumulate in one place, they start jumping up and down together and end up giving a perfectly nice state like Alaska or Arizona (is there something about place names that start with A? Alabama, Arkansas - hmm. No, look at Utah... maybe it's vowels in general) an undeserved reputation as some kind of goober reservation. So here's the plan - we grant them their wish; we find a suitably dreary place, fence it in, and declare it the State of Ignorance. Advocating legislation based on religiosity, expressing disbelief in any demonstrable scientific fact, invoking deities in public, or wearing cheap polyester clothes in colors not found in nature, among other offenses, become immediate grounds for deportation to this new State. Any existing residents of the place chosen would be offered fair prices for their properties and subsidized, anonymous resettlement, something like the witness protection program (they can always move back after the rapture if they want.) Everybody wins. The Palins, Bushes, Mechams, etc. get to live in the homogenous communities they want so badly, and the rest of us are able to enjoy America and the 21st century. We can answer the door without finding ourselves facing grinning bible-thumpers, no one will be trying to turn our beloved Constitution into an instrument of discrimination instead of the bulwark of our rights, and no one will mistake us for Them because of where we live. by Jim Finley (2 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 99 comments [42 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 7:34:49 PM (0+)
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Reply: I like the idea
...and maybe we could even brand their forehead with a scarlet "I" (for Ignorant), an appropriate mark of their beastliness, lack of compassion, logic, fairness, or tolerance...and science. The biggest problem would be where to put almost half the voting population of the US. Maybe out to sea like in the movie "Waterworld"? Nah, with their poor environmental record they would quickly foul the waters for the rest of us. I got it!!! How about Crawford Texas. (My apolgies to any decent people in Crawford, but you should have found out sooner tar & feathers have other/better uses than road construction or in pillows) by Paul Magill Smith (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 135 comments [46 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 at 12:54:04 AM (0+)
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Love It
Shannyn, this was very appreciated- thanks for the laughs. As a resident of upstate NY whose nearest neighbors are raccoons, bears and deer, who wears hiking boots and jeans and has never shopped at Saks, I can understand how frustrating these state-wide stereotypes can be. But I have dibs on Keith, man. :) by Jennifer Hathaway (16 articles, 15 quicklinks, 1 diaries, 758 comments [220 recommended, 1 rejected]) on Thursday, Nov 20, 2008 at 7:40:23 PM (0+)
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Shannyn Moore
I want more! Air America, please give Shannyn a long and lucrative contract. by Linda Seligson (1 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 3 comments) on Friday, Nov 21, 2008 at 4:20:27 AM (0+)
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A wonderful infomative article. Best of both worlds!
Contact Keith and let him know. Maybe with this delightful article! I would like to see you on his show. Oh, and by the way the "heart" on those shirts is a shorthand for saying "love." So the shirt is saying "I love _____." I am for smaller is better so sucessionism doesn't really bother me. I wish Texas would break up into smaller states. It is the only state that can in the USA. by nightgaunt (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 448 comments [27 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Friday, Nov 21, 2008 at 12:42:33 PM (0+)
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I'm right there with you...
I didn't even get the courtesy of a break up. Everyone just IGNORES me and me fellow Kansans and acts like we don't exist. So, though they don't want to sell us off (I expect since it would not be convenient with us smack in the middle of the country), they would love to pretend that we don't exist! I get it, too. It was not my choice to come here, but now there are roots here that bind me though I would LOVE to go elsewhere. You may be surprised to know that a little town in Kansas was the home of the country's first Socialist College. Yeah, not making it up; look into it. And somebody has to stay and fight for places like Kansas and Alaska. Somebody has to be on the inside, on the ground, when the Ultra-Christy Nationalists decide to make their big move on our freedom and democracy. We will be valuable assets when the real fighting starts; you will need to know the lay of our land. Seriously, if this is a true moment of change in this country, it is time to throw off the old "common wisdom" of red states and blue states. It is time to realize that, though many may be uninformed, you must see this as an opportunity to inform them; you need them and you have to bring them along or any progress you make will eventually be lost. It is a time for helping those you can to see the light. It is a time to reach out and sooth away the fear that is the fertile soil of all of their wrong-headed beliefs. To the Bill Mahers and Keith Olbermanns of the world: we love you and we know you love to hate on us. It's fun. But you aren't helping anything. Take my mother's advice: If you don't have anything nice to say...you know the drill. by Paula Sayles (6 articles, 0 quicklinks, 1 diaries, 204 comments [77 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Friday, Nov 21, 2008 at 1:52:02 PM (0+)
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Reply: Yeah, that.
What Paula said. by Jennifer Hathaway (16 articles, 15 quicklinks, 1 diaries, 758 comments [220 recommended, 1 rejected]) on Friday, Nov 21, 2008 at 8:44:49 PM (0+)
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Change can happen
Even where I hail from (Virginia), long known as one of the reddest of the red states. VA hasn't voted for a blue presidential ticket in 44 years, now it has in the last election, as well as having two dem senators, and a dem governor. Big improvement. It's not a matter of people running away, because eventually you run out of places to run to, but a matter of staying put & fighting for your rights whether in Alaska, Arizona, Kansas or Virginia. One thing you have to keep focused on is this...No matter how bad things seem to get tyrannies eventually (always) end because of good people.. We are making progress now, but this cultural/legal/ethical 'war' is really about future generations. by Paul Magill Smith (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 135 comments [46 recommended, 0 rejected]) on Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 at 4:36:24 AM (0+)
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