Keith Olbermann Broke Up With Me!

First Alaskans thrived in a frozen land for thousands of years and left no foot print. In 1867, Russia gave you a hell of a deal at 1.9 cents an acre. The Klondike Gold Rush was a quick pay back, and gave Charlie Chaplin some great material.

The last shot of the Civil War was fired by the CSS Shenandoah on June 23, 1865, 10 weeks after Lee’s surrender. Go figure, it was in Alaskan waters and CSN Captain, James Waddell hadn’t heard the War was over. That was awkward.

Homesteading pioneers farmed, fished and flourished. In 1922, a Tlingit Chief, Charlie Jones was jailed for voting. His protest gave way to Native Alaskans getting the right to vote two years before Native Americans. In 1944, years before the civil rights movement in the States, Roberta Schenck, a Native woman refused to budge from her seat in the “White’s Only” section of a movie theatre in Nome. She was dragged out and jailed. Schenck was Alaska’s Rosa Parks. Because of her bravery and the moving testimony of Elizabeth Peratrovich, on Feb. 16, 1945, Territorial Governor Ernest Gruening signed an anti-discrimination law. Against the argument that the law would not eliminate discrimination, Peratrovich said, "Do your laws against larceny and even murder eliminate those crimes?"

We decriminalized abortion before Roe vs. Wade. Our privacy laws are the strongest in the country. A man told me he moved here after studying the Alaska Constitution at law school; it could have been Section 22 that allowed Alaskans the right to possess marijuana.

During WWII the Japanese occupied the Alaska islands of Kiska and Attu for almost two years. Because of the harsh conditions endured, frost bite became worthy of a Purple Heart. 1958, the Inupiat Village of Point Hope protested the nuclear detonation of Project Chariot to create a port on the North Slope. As a “thank you,” the Federal Government transported and buried the contamination from the 1962 Nevada Test Site to the Chariot location. Cancer rates among villagers are staggering. Where’s Erin Brockovich when we need her? In 1988, Homer, Alaska voted to officially become a “Nuclear Free Zone” in response to proposed nuclear subs. That same town -- my home town -- 20 years later, had the only known “spontaneous” Obama headquarters in the country. You're welcome, Keith.

Alaska is one of the best things about America. We are the last frontier. What once was wild in America still is here. I still catch my breath; the northern lights over Denali can trump a full moon; a phosphorescent glow in the wake of my row boat; bears fishing salmon out of Brooks Falls; glaciers bigger than cruise ships.

It’s wrong to be hard on you for not knowing Alaskans aren’t all Palinbots. After the last week or so, it would be fair to wonder if we suffer from Reality Deficit Disorder when it comes to Ted Stevens and the Rule of Law. It’s easy to want to knock sense into my neighbors who have ignored our history; so rich with strength, true with characters, and patriotism that deserves to be called American.

The progressive history of Alaska is buried under the “new” wave of oil workers and rapture watchers. McChurches promise to Super Size your Jesus. They haven’t noticed the miracle of “curing a gay guy” wasn’t mentioned in the works of Christ. Sarah Palin cut the red ribbon and the prayer asked God’s blessing on “all those who enter” the Wasilla Wal-Mart. I hope God does bless those who work there; they’ll need it since they have no health benefits.

Women with “the bigger the hair the closer to God” up-do, line up to live the American dream of buying flag lapel pins and sequined “I Heart America” t-shirts made by un-aborted children in China. They punctuate their purchase with a personalized credit card owned by a company in Abu Dhabi. Men drive by in the newest “Ford Compensator 350”, towing a trailer loaded with ATVs. Rush Limbaugh blaring when the Lee Greenwood CD gets too teary; something about “Where at least I know I’m free.” Yellow ribbon magnets claim to support the troops; the same troops who are fighting to make sure the gallon of gas moving him all of 9.4 miles, stays cheaper than a latte.

I too, through my elitist patriotic lens, mock them. I realize how easy it has been to see a regressive, fundamentalist, socially-crippled Alaska. I get it, the jokes have written themselves; in Braille, smoke signals, etch-a-sketch. Alaska has issues galore; who doesn’t? Are you going to break up with Kentucky as well?

So, Mr. Olbermann and others (you know who you are, Bill Maher), before you break up with Alaska, let’s have a reality check. The known examples of Alaskan Spirit have vaporized in the wake of the “Great White Shopper from the North.” I hate to think “That Woman” would come between us. But the truth is, we are what America used to be. We are the Oregon Train with iPods. We are Lewis and Clark with hybrid snowmachines. We are Sacagawea with a Garmin. We are Yellowstone on steroids. We are Davy Crockett with a helicopter. (OK, I’ve gone too far.)

Not to play the blame game, but in the spirit of transparency you only get in therapy*, the colonization of your 49th State by Global Enterprise has gone largely unnoticed. Again, not your fault, Northern Exposure was filmed in Washington State. We could use some help fighting to insure the wild Salmon runs of Bristol Bay stay pristine against the Pebble Mine. Your aid would be appreciated in keeping our wolves and bears safe from aerial “hunting.” And were your voices lifted with ours in a message to Exxon, maybe our fishermen would have been able to maintain their industry despite an environmental disaster.

Keith. I can call you Keith, right? It would be easier to hear your rejection if you hadn’t kept many Alaskans sane with your “You, Sir” rants. Bill Maher’s New Rules encourage me to write my own. Chris Matthews exhausts me with explanation, but I get it. Rachel Maddow is still talking to us…she’s strangely fascinated. But you -- Sir -- are singled out as chief dumper. It’s only fair. I was getting ready to go to Anchorage’s Election Central, when I heard your voice break slightly; Barack Obama was the projected 44th President of the United States. I realized I’d held my breath for 8 years. I cried; in relief, in triumph, for hope, for healing, for history. I felt American.

“You, Sir” took many politically battered, Alaskans; your American brothers and sisters through a keyhole in time. Since then, “You, Sir” keep on the queries of how to dump Alaska every time Sarah Palin stumbles. “You, Sir” should kick Russia’s ass if they even look cross at us. (Well, talk to them first…then get our back.) “You, Sir” are joking, and to an extent, so am I.

We should make up. I’d like that.

We need your help, your respect and maybe some flowers.

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