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Cell Phone Mania

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In response to those who keep nagging me to get a cell-phone, Marty and the Mechanics, Mickey, the Gumball wizard, Wet Willy; and, to you masters of the universe who give your cell number only to a select few; and, to those who understand that the cell-phone is a consistently annoying instrument of unreliable communication, I offer the following scenarios.

Scene # 1 - SELF-DEFENSE - I leave the last show at the movie theater and walk to my car. A mugger jumps out of the bushes. My options are the following: A - Whip out my cell-phone and threaten to dial 911. B - Dial 911 while he bashes me over the head with a baseball bat. C - Throw the cell-phone at him and run as fast as I can.

Scene # 2 - EMERGENCY- I get a flat tire on the interstate. A, I whip out my cell-phone and call home. Junior is watching MTV and entertaining his new girlfriend. He says he is on the way, but he will probably forget about me and go back to entertaining his new girlfriend. So, I call Triple A and get a dispatcher in Orlando. The last time I called Triple A I waited an hour and a half because I did not have an exact address, and guess what? Again, I do not have an exact address. Meanwhile someone knocks on my window and offers to help. He looks like a potential mugger. (Refer to scene # 1.) I should have taken the money I spent on cell-phones and bought new tires.

Scene # 3 - BUSINESS - Thursday afternoons the sales staff plays golf. It's a tradition. Donna, my new supervisor hates me. She thinks I'm after her job. 4:45 my pager goes off 3 times in rapid succession, "call Donna". So, I get to the next tee, whip out my cell-phone and call the office. Donna asks, "where are you?" I reply "I'm at the 7-11 on Ogden." She interjects, "I hear birds chirpping." I explain, "They have a bad compressor on the Slurpee machine." Just then somebody yells "Fore"; "and the're getting 4 dollars worth of gas. Can't get far on a gallon, yuk, yuk." Donna says, "the company has invested in global positioning satellite technology and at this moment I can see you from the parking lot of Bryn Mawr Country Club." I look to the west, across 2 fairways into the soon to be setting sun and see a Honda Accord parked with the door open, a woman standing with one foot on the rocker panel waving at me with a cell-phone to her ear. "I suppose this means I'm fired." click - deet - red light - low battery.

Scene # 4 - CONVENIENCE - I am at the Jewel and I forget why I am there. I whip out my cell-phone and call my wife. She informs me that I am there to get whipping cream. Familiar with the store layout, she guides me right to the section and directs me to pick up a half dozen more items. I get to the check out counter and realize I have spent 40 bucks more than I have in my pocket. So, I whip out a credit card and have a moment of clarity. This is why I have a cell-phone: I am again umbilically attached, I don't have to think, and I don't need no stinking grocery list.

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