Of course, we should always proceed conservatively if we believe we could be in danger. But I believe that it's the lack of civil discourse on these issues that allows anger to build up into violence. So then, what does an advocate of civil dialogue do? How do you respond to anti-Obama racism?
Ask a QuestionWhen we hear an insensitive comment, our first inclination might be to come back hard with an opinion, or else to ignore the comment altogether. Certainly we are within our rights to do either. But a much more effective response for encouraging change is to suspend our opinions for a moment, and to develop a spirit of curiosity about the speaker's perspective. Asking a question with a spirit of curiosity can be very disarming.
Angel Moreno in New York reportedly asked a question, but it was not a curious question. It was a zinger question. That doesn't mean he got what he deserved. But a more curious question would have been something like, "What is it about president-elect Obama that concerns you most?"
Why ask a question? Questions engage the other person by conveying interest. Questions create space for thinking. On the other hand, statements of opinions usually create defensive responses. Eventually, when you say how you feel, the other person is much more likely to listen to you if you have listened to her first.
Another important and usually overlooked response is clarification. Have you ever misunderstood what someone else said? Have you yourself ever been misunderstood? Most people answer 'yes' to both questions. That's why clarifying is such an important element of communication.
Sometimes, repeating an offensive comment in the form of a question is all that's needed. When the person who made the statement hears it back with his own ears, he takes it back or rephrases it without any additional prompting. Usually, more effort is required. Either way, clarification is key.
Expressing Feelings, Beliefs, DesiresIf we've asked a curious question or two and clarified the answers, now we have created a space in which we can sincerely express our feelings, beliefs and desires about the comment. Expressing feelings in words means we don't have to resort to the silent treatment, slamming doors or worse.
I have found that one of the most powerful ways to express my position on racism is to tell a personal story about how it has affected me. People have a hard time arguing with me if I'm just sharing my own experience.
The new patriotismI recognize that not everyone is willing to work this hard. Many people of color have told me they're tired of the conversation. So I'm issuing this call most specifically to my American brothers and sisters of European heritage (in other words, white folks). It's only by having these conversations – and processing our still unresolved pain and regret – that we will finally come together as a nation.
Speaking up for oneself is empowering. Speaking up for the dignity and respect that everyone deserves may just have become our patriotic duty.
For more on the ingredients of a satisfying diversity related conversation, pick up the book Navigating Diversity: An Advocate's Guide to the Maze of Race, Gender, Religion and More.
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