Small business owner forwards letter from S. Claus to Secretary Paulson; Requests $5 million bailout.

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Forwarded Letter from S. Claus

to Secretary Henry Paulson

November 29, 2008

The Honorable Henry M. Paulson, Jr.
Secretary of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Room 2134
Washington, DC 20220

Dear Mr. Secretary:

I am writing to you at the suggestion of Mr. S. Claus who offices at the North Pole.

As the owner of a small business, I've been trying, without success, to get a bank loan. In desperation,  I wrote to Mr. Claus back in October.  Here is his reply which he suggested I forward to you as a preface to my request for funding (a bailout) from the U.S. Treasury.

Dear Steven:

I received your letter postmarked October 9th. I note that this was the day the DOW dropped 733 points.  I was surprised to hear from you since it has been 45 years since you last wrote to me. You were seven years old and wanted me to send you a Red Ryder beebee gun. I wrote back to you that I was afraid you would shoot your eye out and I suggested several alternatives including a very nice GI Joe outfit. You did not take my concern for you welfare very well. You wrote back to say that your older brother said I did not exist, and if I could not give you a beebee gun "to forget the whole thing." You may also remember that you got coal in your stocking that year.

            In any event, that is all in the past and I am glad to hear from you, and glad that you have changed your mind about believing in me.  It is a little disconcerting that in addition to the millions of letters from little boys and girls around the world that I am getting a ton of mail this year from middle aged businessmen, just like you, who I have not heard from in decades. Instead of toys, you all want money, in varying amounts. You want five million dollars. Other requests have been as low as ten thousand dollars  with the highest being eighty-five billion dollars from a fellow named Edward Liddy who is CEO of a company called AIG.  Have you heard of him? Little Eddy was a very naughty boy even back in 1956 when he was just ten years old. I had to put coal in Eddy's stocking on five consecutive Christmases before his parents shipped him off to reform school.

            Getting back to your letter and your request. Under normal circumstances I might be able to help you with the $5 million especially since you have been attempting to be nice this past year. I still keep my list and I still check it twice. Unfortunately, I must tell you that the current credit crunch has had a dramatic impact on operations here at the North Pole. Cash flow is very tight and I am not sure I will be able to make payroll for the 535,785 elves that work here  at Santa's Shop. I am myself in the process of negotiating a bailout with U.S. Secretary Paulson and other world economic leaders as I write.

            Even more disturbing is the realization that I have personally contributed and even caused the entire world economic disaster currently afflicting us. The fact is, I have been making toys since the 11th century (over 1,000 years) on credit. When you stop to think about it, someone has had to pay the bills incurred by my shop. Everybody is under the impression that I just deliver free toys. As you know, Steven, there is no such thing as a free lunch or a free toy.

The jig is up, I'm afraid. I've already got a request for an interview from CNN. I might as well confess that I have had, for centuries, a very secret and complex, international finance arrangement that started back in Germany in 1006. My popularity grew (who doesn't like free toys) and my area of distribution spread throughout Europe and ultimately to the Colonies which later became the United States. More and more countries extended me credit, in secret, so I could hire more elves and make more toys. You can imagine what the tab is for over 1,000 years of toys. All along I've been concerned about this rising debt. Throughout the centuries I've expressed my concern. In 1792 I had a discussion  with George Washington. "Don't worry about it, Santa. Let us worry about how to pay for them.  You just make the toys and make sure you and your reindeer get them delivered." That's what George Washington told me. Politicians are all the same. What President or politician would want to put a stop to Santa Claus delivering free toys to little children of the world?

So it is not the sale of sub-prime mortgages in the U.S. that has brought the world economy down, but the practice of Christmas and the idea that I could manufacture and distribute toys for 1,000 years without anyone actually having to pay for them. I'm afraid the day of reckoning is at hand. Hopefully Secretary Paulson and his international treasury counterparts can work things out. Until then, I'm afraid that I am going to have to pass on your request for $5 million. I suggest that you  contact Secretary Paulson and send a copy of this letter with your request. If the Secretary can give naughty little Eddy Liddy $85 billion I am sure he can give you your $5 million.

Speaking of being naughty,  I could tell you a thing or two about the Secretary when he was a little boy. One report I remember reading in my daily "Who's Been Naughty and Who's Been Nice Daily Briefing" involves the Secretary, at age  ten, playing with his neighbor's cat and some firecrackers. I don't think it would be prudent, given we are in discussions with the Treasure Department, for me to go into further detail.  I better keep my mouth shut.

I do have one bit of good news for you:  I have discovered I have one Red Ryder beebee gun still left in inventory. Because you are now age 52, I feel more confident that you will not shoot your eye out. With this in mind,  I've directed my Chief Elf of Logistics to put your name on the beebee gun and I'll be delivering to you in person on December 25th. No need to put out milk and cookies.

Steven, it was great to hear from you again and I hope to hear from you next year when times are better. Be a good boy. And good luck with Secretary Paulson. Do let me know the outcome of your communication with the Secretary. I am confident you will have a positive response.

 Merry Christmas!

Mr. Santa Claus

North Pole

            So how about it, Mr. Secretary? Could I please get some money? All I need is $5 million. I do not have a corporate jet to fly to come and meet with you but I might have enough credit on one of my credit cards to swing a coach ticket from Little Rock to Washington.

            Thanks in advance for your help and the $5 million.

            Regards,

Steve Weintz, President

SBW Ventures, Inc.

www.sbwventuresinc.com

3012 Mossy Creek Drive

Little Rock, Arkansas 72211

Office: (501) 219-2961

Cell: (501) 944-0703

Authors Website: www.sbwventuresinc.com

Authors Bio:
Freelance writer and President of SBW Ventures, Inc., a business development consulting firm