Forwarded Letter from S. Claus
to Secretary Henry Paulson
November 29, 2008
The Honorable Henry M. Paulson, Jr.
Secretary of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20220
Dear Mr. Secretary:
I am writing to you at the suggestion of Mr. S. Claus who offices at the North Pole.
As the owner of a small business, I've been trying, without success, to get a bank loan. In desperation, I wrote to Mr. Claus back in October. Here is his reply which he suggested I forward to you as a preface to my request for funding (a bailout) from the U.S. Treasury.
I received your letter postmarked October 9th. I note that this was the day the DOW dropped 733 points. I was surprised to hear from you since it has been 45 years since you last wrote to me. You were seven years old and wanted me to send you a Red Ryder beebee gun. I wrote back to you that I was afraid you would shoot your eye out and I suggested several alternatives including a very nice GI Joe outfit. You did not take my concern for you welfare very well. You wrote back to say that your older brother said I did not exist, and if I could not give you a beebee gun "to forget the whole thing." You may also remember that you got coal in your stocking that year.
In any event, that is all in the past and I am glad to hear from you, and glad that you have changed your mind about believing in me. It is a little disconcerting that in addition to the millions of letters from little boys and girls around the world that I am getting a ton of mail this year from middle aged businessmen, just like you, who I have not heard from in decades. Instead of toys, you all want money, in varying amounts. You want five million dollars. Other requests have been as low as ten thousand dollars with the highest being eighty-five billion dollars from a fellow named Edward Liddy who is CEO of a company called AIG. Have you heard of him? Little Eddy was a very naughty boy even back in 1956 when he was just ten years old. I had to put coal in Eddy's stocking on five consecutive Christmases before his parents shipped him off to reform school.