When the Republican Party merged with the cult of Ayn Rand, it was only a matter of time before Christ's "Sermon on the Mount" would be revised....

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1 And seeing the rabble of the great unwashed useless eaters, the goddess Ayn Rand appeared in her temple that is FOXNEWS, and when she was well-miked, she informed her disciples she had materialized to present a new New Gospel that revised Christ's outdated Sermon on the Mount:

2 and she raised the microphone to her mouth, and rebuked those gathered to hear, saying,

3 Blessed are the rich: for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

4 Blessed are the too big to fail, for they shall be bailed out.

5 Blessed are the banksters' trust- funded sons and daughters, for they shall inherit all the Earth.

6 Blessed are they which have never known hunger and thirst, for they will be made richer.

7 Blessed are the hedge funder, for they may be called "Mr. President' someday.

8 Blessed are the greediest of heart, for they shall hedge their bets beside God someday.

9 Blessed are the war merchants, for they shall be called the soldiers of God.

10 Blessed are the torturers,   for theirs is a righteous repudiation of Nuremberg.

11 Blessed are they who are persecuted for Wall Street's sake, for they will be much rewarded.

12 Rejoice and be unashamed, for great will be your reward, for did not Roosevelt 1 and Roosevelt 2 persecute the robber barons of old?

13 Ye are the richest on Earth, but if thy wealth is not used to achieve even more wealth, wherewith shall it be useful? It is thenceforth good for nothing but to be protected off shore lest it be coveted by the evil forces of the IRS.

14 Ye are the Masters of the Universe, yet your mansions cannot be hid.

15 Neither does any rich man light a candle and put it under a bushel of his cash, but invests in security lamps and cameras and purchases guards to protect all that is alive and accrued inside his mansion.

16 Let your riches be as a vampire squid, that they will draw to you even more wealth than even thine own father could ever have dreamt of.

17 Think not that I have come to destroy the Fox/Randian temple or drive out its disciples, I am not come to prosecute, but to invest!

18 For verily I say onto you, till all the oil runs out, not one poor man's son or daughter shall escape war till all wealth derived is funneled onto you.

19 Whosoever therefore shall renounce his wealth and shall encourage others of my Chosen to do the same, he shall be called a heretic and shunned by all who worship in my temple, but whosoever shall swindle even their fellow disciples shall be called the greatest Wizard of Wall Street ever.

20 For I say unto you, that except your greed exceed the greed of all your brethren, ye shall in no case continue to be heralded on the sacred covers of Forbes, but be banished from the Kingdom.

21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old times, Thou shalt not share wealth; and whosoever shall share shall be in danger of banishment from the Temple of Ayn Rand,

22 but I say unto you that whosoever will not usurp the wealth of his own brother shall be in danger of banishment; and whosoever shall say to his brother, don't buy these worthless mortgage-backed securities, shall be in danger of Wall Street's purge; yet whosoever shall warn his brother shall be in danger of becoming one with the unwashed useless eaters.

23 Therefore, if thou bring thy gift to a politician and learn that thy brother has bribed that same politician before thee,

24 double thy bribe and go thy way after extracting the additional funds from thy brother, and then present thy fatter bribe.

25 Defraud thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him, lest he shaft you first and rat you out to the Feds.

26 Verily I say onto you, thou shalt by no means escape the Feds till thou pay a fine that, no matter how small, nevertheless shall make you wonder that prison may have been the cheaper route.

27 Ye have heard   it said by them of the old times, thou shalt not breed with a unwashed useless eater,

28 but I say unto you that whosoever looketh on a servant and lusts after her is entitled to grope all of her most intimate places and even   rape her as ye are among those blessed with wealth enough to buy her silence or retain the finest lawyers.

29 And if one of your brethren offend thee, bankrupt him and cast him out; for it is even more profitable to thee if there are ever fewer of the 1 percent until ye are the very last wealthy man on Earth, the sole owner of everything on the planet.

30 And if thy offspring offend thee by sympathizing with the unwashed masses of useless eaters, cast the offender out, for it is wise wealth protection   to disinherit thy own children than to have them share a dime of what wealth you accrued after you die.

31 It hath been said, whosoever shall wish to marry, let him first compel her sign an airtight prenuptial to protect his riches,

32 but I say onto you, whosoever shall end a life of fornication out of some misguided notion of honoring his vows, such displays of morality are reserved only for the unwashed mass of useless eaters and thus deserveth neither his wealth nor she who married him for it.

33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them   of the old times thou shalt not betray your class, but shall collude with and defend   it,

34 but I say onto you, you stand before Ayn Rand's mystical throne,

35 and you must contort at her feet and wash her toes with your tongue, for she is the greatest of goddesses.

36 She shalt f*ck thy head so fiercely that ye whose hair be black shall be rubbed white and ye with white hair shall be rubbed bald.

37 But let your mutual drive toward orgasm cause only "Yea, yea, yeas" and   no "Nay, nay, nays when f*cking the goddess, lest she withdraw all the blessings she gave you.

38 Ye have heard that it hath been said an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,

39 but I say unto you that it be both eyes for one eye and 32 teeth for a tooth. And whosoever smite thee on thy right cheek, shoot him dead and declare self-defense under Stand Your Ground.

40 And if any man will sue thee in defiance of   Stand Your Ground, counter sue him for everything he owns.

41 And whosoever shall compel thee to walk even one city block, have your chauffer drive your limo over him thrice.

42 Give to him that asketh thee and   require from him that would borrow of thee sufficient usury as to make it impossible for him to repay in less than 30 years, if ever.

43 Ye have heard   that it hath been said thou shalt love thy neighbor and   hate thine enemy,

44 but I say onto you, plunder and destroy thine enemies, sue them that curse you, hate and slander them   that hate you and defraud into poverty them which attempt to use you and bribe them that seek to prosecute you--

45 that you may be richer than your father who may or may not be in Heaven, for you inherited much to be made into much more and   pissed respectfully on his grave for his having held up your inheritance by living too damn   long.

46 For if you love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the "publicans love money before anything or anyone else?

47 Salute your brethren only, but only those more wealthy than you until you see your chance to add their wealth to yours. Do not even the "publicans so?

48 Be ye therefore perfect in your greed, even as your father who may be or not be in Heaven was perfectly greedy.

49 And then as the goddess Ayn Rand departed, she kissed her dearest disciple's bald head, recalling fondly how Rupert sacrificed his hair to pleasure her.    

Authors Bio:
Retired, Robert Arend was president of an AFSCME local from 1997-2007.