83 online
Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 15 Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds   

A Most Unusual Job Application

By       (Page 1 of 2 pages)   No comments
September 2005

The United States Senate
The United States Capitol
Washington, DC

Dear Senators:

My name is John G. Roberts and I am a judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. I understand that there are currently two openings on the United States Supreme Court that you are trying to fill. I would like to apply for the position of Chief Justice of the United States. Please allow me to tell you why and outline my qualifications, as detailed in my enclosed resume.

I believe that the most important qualification for becoming a Justice of the Supreme Court, and in particular Chief Justice of the United States, is sound judgment -- the product of a brilliant mind applying principles of fair-mindedness to a thorough examination of all the evidence.

I hope and trust that you in the Senate, in your Constitutionally mandated role of providing "advice and consent", will likewise apply sound judgment in considering my application for this position of great moment and consequence.

Just please don't ask me about any of my opinions, passions, or prejudices; I just don't have any. Really. I'm not an ideologue; I'm a...uh...um...

All that stuff I wrote for other people -- you know, the legal opinions against abortion rights, civil rights, workers' rights, consumers' rights, defendants' and prisoners' rights, First Amendment rights, environmental protections, all that sort of stuff -- I just did it for the money. I mean, it was just a job. Uh, what I mean to say is, I really think it was a honor working for two presidents and those big corporations and Right Wing interest groups; and everything they stood for was great and all. But just don't think I really meant any of those things I wrote for them. I did everything I could to get to work for them, but I really didn't want to work for them. I'm not saying they put a gun to my head to write those things; but who would write such things, you know?

And anyway, I was just a dumb kid back then. I'm much more mature now. Just listen to how I tell you only what you want to hear, or double-talk, or nothing at all. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know how to play the game...so I can wind-up umpiring the games. It is a game, isn't it?

I mean, if you knew what I really believed and how I really thought, well...

Just please don't ask me what I really believe or how I really think about anything in particular...at least anything in the last half century: I mean, that might actually give you a hint about how I'd rule on something. That wouldn't be fair now, would it? That Brown v. Board of Education thing was a good decision -- "separate" isn't "equal" with segregated classrooms -- just pay no attention to my writing on behalf of the Reagan Administration in opposition to the strengthening of the Voting Rights Act that you can't strike down laws just because the effect is discriminatory; you have to prove intent (yeah, like that's gonna happen, uh...). Hey, I respect the right to privacy -- well, in some cases, but let's not get down to cases -- so how's about respecting mine? I promise not to bring any of my personal baggage to the bench. Really I do.

I mean, what has "justice" got to do with any of the personal and political peccadilloes that make each of us unique human beings? Why, when you think about it like that, you could get a supercomputer to do this job.

Uh, just kidding.

But seriously, Sen's, just take a look at my work history as a judge: A full (well, almost full) three years on the Appellate Bench and ah, um, uh...it was a LONG three years (well, almost three). There was that french fry thing. And the toad.

I'm sure I could do a real good job for the rest of my life. And yours. And your kids'. And your grandkids'. And...

And I promise to take those goofy looking stripes off the sleeves of the robes. Maybe go with a paisley motif or something.

Next Page  1  |  2

(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).

Rate It | View Ratings

Douglas Drenkow Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

Doug Drenkow is a writer, editor, webmaster, and producer. A fourth-generation Democrat, Doug has produced the political talk shows "Barry Gordon From Left Field," on radio, and "NewsRap with Barry Gordon," on cable TV, featuring top (more...)

Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

The Insurance Companies' "License to Kill": ERISA



Pres. Obama: An Inspired and Inspiring Nobel Peace Prize Choice

Straight Talk on the Financial Crisis

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend