Election Season Terror Alert Chart
By Anthony Wade
Given the importance of the
upcoming election to our democratic process, the Department of Homeland
Security has decided to revisit the color-code system currently used to scare
alert citizens to bogus intelligence possible terrorist activity.
Guidance for Federal Departments and Agencies
The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of
President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Beneath
each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures,
recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are
responsible for developing and implementing appropriate agency-specific
Protective Measures:
1. Low Condition (Aquamarine). This condition is
declared when there is a low risk of President Bush not being reelected,
and thus, terrorist attacks. Federal departments and agencies should
consider the following general measures in addition to the
agency-specific Protective Measures they develop and implement:
- Refining and exercising as
appropriate preplanned Protective Measures; which of course will be
under funded by the administration.
- Ensuring personnel receive
proper training on the Homeland Security Advisory System and how to
hype “chatter” into something more tangible.
- Institutionalizing a process
to assure that all first responders can accurately say bin Laden and
al-Zarqawi, in response to
any credible inquiries.
- Talking points for FOX News
shall highlight the fantastic job President Bush has done in keeping
the alert level at such a soothing color, aquamarine.
- Note: the “Aquamarine Level”
is never actually reached. It is out there as a teaser. It is what
we aspire to, knowing that we can never get there because if we did,
what good would this entire grid be?
2. Guarded Condition (Plum). This condition is
declared when there is a general risk of President Bush not being
reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. In addition to the Protective
Measures taken in the previous Threat Condition, Federal departments and
agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to
the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and
implement:
- Reviewing and updating
emergency response procedures; and how best to start taking away the
civil liberties of the citizenry.
- Providing the public with any
information that would strengthen its ability to cower in fear and
demand that Bush be coroneted King.
- Talking points to FOX News
should revolve around how concerned the President is, how
Presidential he looks, and then discuss the flip-flopping of John
Kerry. The controversy of “under God” in the Pledge of
Allegiance, should be resolved by changing it to “under Bush”.
- Note: the “Plum Level” is
rarely achieved. The only acceptable time is the first six months
following Bush being reelected as a display of his leadership and
stability. Then we can go back to scaring the crap out of the
country.
3. Elevated Condition (Lemon Chiffon). An Elevated
Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of President Bush
not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. In addition to the
Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal
departments and agencies should consider the following general measures
in addition to the Protective Measures that they will develop and
implement:
- Increasing surveillance of
critical locations; such as libraries, democratic meeting halls,
anti-war protests, and all “Blue States”.
- Coordinating emergency plans
as appropriate with nearby jurisdictions in the “Red States”.
- Assessing whether the precise
characteristics of the threat require the further destruction of the
bill of rights.
- Implementing, as appropriate,
fake chatter and non-sourced and non-specific threats.
- Talking points to FOX News
should center on how dangerous a world we still live in and how we
need steady leadership in these trying times of change. Announce new
FOX product, the John Kerry beach flip-flops.
- Note: the “Lemon Chiffon
Level” is our standard terror level because it conveys the
necessary fright, without the appearance of being to Stalinistic.
This level should be maintained until the President’s approval
rating falls below 50% or if support for the war falls below 50%.
4. High Condition (Magenta). A High Condition is
declared when there is a high risk of President Bush not being
reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Specifically, this level is
achieved if the democrats announce anything positive, such as the
selection of Kerry’s running mate. In addition to the Protective
Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments
and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition
to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and
implement:
- Coordinating necessary
security efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement
agencies or any National Guard, which will be necessary to halt
anything remotely democratic happening.
- Preventing any public
gatherings, which may question this code, this terror level, or
anything this President, has done for the past 3 and half years.
- Preparing to execute
contingency procedures, such as only allowing TV and radio
programming which represents this country’s legacy of democracy,
such as Rush “Pills” Limbaugh.
- Talking points to FOX News
consists of how anyone who does not support this President are
commie, pinko, leftist, unpatriotic scum. Suggestions should be made
for outstanding citizens to “go magenta” on any of these
anti-American citizens, round them up and place them in
death
happy camps, where their divisiveness cannot infect the general
populace.
- Note: the “Magenta Level”
is implemented upon solid intelligence that indicates the American
people may be thinking for themselves. It is implemented primarily
within 8 months of the general election. It is always based on “solid
intelligence or chatter” which cannot be substantiated or
attributed. Its goal is to scare people so effectively, that they
forget to ask the obvious questions.
5. Severe Condition (Cobalt). A Severe Condition
reflects a severe risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus,
terrorist attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for
a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial
periods of time, just long enough to ensure reelection. In general it is
implemented on or around Election Day, to scare and confuse the
population and allow the manipulation of the election data collected by
the republican controlled election machine companies. In addition to the
Protective Measures in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal
departments and agencies also should consider the following general
measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that
they will develop and implement:
- Instituting martial law.
- Declaring the democratic
candidate as an enemy combatant, removing him to a brig in South
Carolina with no counsel.
- Passing the Patriot Act III,
which has only one clause that reads: “I am the mighty and all
powerful
Oz Bush, all will bow before my benevolence and
question me not”.
- Talking points to FOX News
should be suggesting that the laws be altered to make the President’s
term a lifetime appointment. When this is pointed out to be
inconsistent with the constitution, James Baker is hired by Bush to
defend the action. Baker explains that Bush was essentially “appointed”
anyway and was not really elected, and since he has usurped powers
usually reserved for the Judicial Branch, it only makes sense that
he now should serve a lifetime term.
- The government confiscates all
copies of the constitution, which is now being called subversive.
- GW changes his name to “Cobalt
Bush”.
- Note: the “Cobalt Level”
is only implemented as an end game measure. Once the country has
been sufficiently stripped of any resistance, and is begging for the
protection of our government, then and only then can the “Cobalt
Level” be executed.
At
the Department of Homeland
Security, we recognize that the original chart was vague and often
confusing. We hope that this clarifies some of the gray areas. In
addition, we are changing the name of the department to the “Department
of Homeland Fear and Tyranny”, to also clarify things. We hope these
measures remove some of the uncertainty surrounding the terror alert
system. Remember, fear is a weapon and we are armed and dangerous.
Anthony Wade is an independent writer from New
York.
Email to takebacktheus@gmail.com
Website:
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