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Election Season Terror Alert Chart

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Election Season Terror Alert Chart

By Anthony Wade

Given the importance of the upcoming election to our democratic process, the Department of Homeland Security has decided to revisit the color-code system currently used to scare alert citizens to bogus intelligence possible terrorist activity. 

Guidance for Federal Departments and Agencies
The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Beneath each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures, recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are responsible for developing and implementing appropriate agency-specific Protective Measures:

1. Low Condition (Aquamarine). This condition is declared when there is a low risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures they develop and implement:

Refining and exercising as appropriate preplanned Protective Measures; which of course will be under funded by the administration. Ensuring personnel receive proper training on the Homeland Security Advisory System and how to hype "chatter " into something more tangible. Institutionalizing a process to assure that all first responders can accurately say bin Laden and al-Zarqawi, in response to any credible inquiries. Talking points for FOX News shall highlight the fantastic job President Bush has done in keeping the alert level at such a soothing color, aquamarine. Note: the "Aquamarine Level " is never actually reached. It is out there as a teaser. It is what we aspire to, knowing that we can never get there because if we did, what good would this entire grid be?

2. Guarded Condition (Plum). This condition is declared when there is a general risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Condition, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

Reviewing and updating emergency response procedures; and how best to start taking away the civil liberties of the citizenry. Providing the public with any information that would strengthen its ability to cower in fear and demand that Bush be coroneted King. Talking points to FOX News should revolve around how concerned the President is, how Presidential he looks, and then discuss the flip-flopping of John Kerry. The controversy of "under God " in the Pledge of Allegiance, should be resolved by changing it to "under Bush ". Note: the "Plum Level " is rarely achieved. The only acceptable time is the first six months following Bush being reelected as a display of his leadership and stability. Then we can go back to scaring the crap out of the country.

3. Elevated Condition (Lemon Chiffon). An Elevated Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

Increasing surveillance of critical locations; such as libraries, democratic meeting halls, anti-war protests, and all "Blue States ". Coordinating emergency plans as appropriate with nearby jurisdictions in the "Red States ".  Assessing whether the precise characteristics of the threat require the further destruction of the bill of rights.  Implementing, as appropriate, fake chatter and non-sourced and non-specific threats. Talking points to FOX News should center on how dangerous a world we still live in and how we need steady leadership in these trying times of change. Announce new FOX product, the John Kerry beach flip-flops. Note: the "Lemon Chiffon Level " is our standard terror level because it conveys the necessary fright, without the appearance of being to Stalinistic. This level should be maintained until the President 's approval rating falls below 50% or if support for the war falls below 50%. 

4. High Condition (Magenta). A High Condition is declared when there is a high risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Specifically, this level is achieved if the democrats announce anything positive, such as the selection of Kerry 's running mate. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

Coordinating necessary security efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement agencies or any National Guard, which will be necessary to halt anything remotely democratic happening. Preventing any public gatherings, which may question this code, this terror level, or anything this President, has done for the past 3 and half years.  Preparing to execute contingency procedures, such as only allowing TV and radio programming which represents this country 's legacy of democracy, such as Rush "Pills " Limbaugh. Talking points to FOX News consists of how anyone who does not support this President are commie, pinko, leftist, unpatriotic scum. Suggestions should be made for outstanding citizens to "go magenta " on any of these anti-American citizens, round them up and place them in death happy camps, where their divisiveness cannot infect the general populace. Note: the "Magenta Level " is implemented upon solid intelligence that indicates the American people may be thinking for themselves. It is implemented primarily within 8 months of the general election. It is always based on "solid intelligence or chatter " which cannot be substantiated or attributed. Its goal is to scare people so effectively, that they forget to ask the obvious questions.

5. Severe Condition (Cobalt). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of President Bush not being reelected, and thus, terrorist attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time, just long enough to ensure reelection. In general it is implemented on or around Election Day, to scare and confuse the population and allow the manipulation of the election data collected by the republican controlled election machine companies. In addition to the Protective Measures in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies also should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

Instituting martial law. Declaring the democratic candidate as an enemy combatant, removing him to a brig in South Carolina with no counsel. Passing the Patriot Act III, which has only one clause that reads: "I am the mighty and all powerful Oz Bush, all will bow before my benevolence and question me not ". Talking points to FOX News should be suggesting that the laws be altered to make the President 's term a lifetime appointment. When this is pointed out to be inconsistent with the constitution, James Baker is hired by Bush to defend the action. Baker explains that Bush was essentially "appointed " anyway and was not really elected, and since he has usurped powers usually reserved for the Judicial Branch, it only makes sense that he now should serve a lifetime term. The government confiscates all copies of the constitution, which is now being called subversive. GW changes his name to "Cobalt Bush ". Note: the "Cobalt Level " is only implemented as an end game measure. Once the country has been sufficiently stripped of any resistance, and is begging for the protection of our government, then and only then can the "Cobalt Level " be executed.

At the Department of Homeland Security, we recognize that the original chart was vague and often confusing. We hope that this clarifies some of the gray areas. In addition, we are changing the name of the department to the "Department of Homeland Fear and Tyranny ", to also clarify things. We hope these measures remove some of the uncertainty surrounding the terror alert system. Remember, fear is a weapon and we are armed and dangerous.

Anthony Wade is an independent writer from New York.
Email to takebacktheus@gmail.com
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