February 1, 2010
Transcript Of An Interview With The Five Conservative Justices
About The Recent Corporate Free Speech Case.
Your reporter recently was fortunate enough to be granted an interview by five Justices of the Supreme Court, Anthony Kennedy, John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito. The subject of the interview was the Court's recent decision granting corporations the same free speech rights as human people. The interview was held in a secret chamber in the Court's basement, where the conservative justices keep casks of amontillado. Justices Kennedy and Roberts did most of the talking for the conservatives, with occasional interjections from others.
It seemed to me that the best way to give the reader the full flavor of what these eminent jurists had to say would be to publish large sections of the transcript. Each Justice is identified by his initials in the transcript: AK (Anthony Kennedy), JR (John Roberts), AS (Antonin Scalia), CT (Clarence Thomas) and SA (Samuel Alito). Your reporter is identified by the initials YR (which does not stand for Young Republicans).
YR: "Good morning Justices Roberts, Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas and Alito.
Let me say first that I am most grateful for your willingness to sit for an interview about a particular case, which is never done by individual Justices, let alone a collective group of Justices. So I deeply appreciate your willingness to do this.
JR: No problem. We know you will play it straight down the right. So we know you will be fair.
May I offer you some amontillado?
YR: No thanks.
Justice Roberts, the dissent said your group of five were striking a blow against democracy. President Obama said, and I quote, "This ruling strikes at our democracy itself . . . . I can't think of anything more devastating to the public interest. The last thing we need to do is hand more influence to the lobbyists in Washington or more power to the special interests to tip the outcome of elections." So your group of five is charged with attacking democracy. Do you have a response?
JR: May I offer you some amontillado?