- Best of Forwarded E-Mail Jokes
- (send us yours and let us know if
you want your name and e-mail address credited. We won't unless you
ask. Please try to clean then up, in terms of >>marks,
formatting, etc.)
|
| These
jokes are aimed at an adult audience If you find any of these jokes
inappropriate, please let
us know. |
| Animations,
assorted anti-bush, anti-right sites:
Bushgame.com
a "game" with "emo"
music that tells it like it is about Bush, Haliburton, Etc. with MR T,
Power Rangers, a little beavis and Butthead feel all thrown together--
good for young voters.
You
Too Can fix and Election
A
Tom Tomorrow Cartoon on Bush's Choice of NYC for the Republican Pimpary
Primary
How
The Bush Stole the Election in Whoville part 1
How
The Bush Stole The Election, Part 2
Bush
Is Not A Nazi; Multimedia show
dancing
Bush
Banana
Republican Hall of Fame
GWB
is the AntiChrist |
|
Joke: Question: what is the difference
between the Vietnam war and the Iraq war?
Answer: Bush had his plan to get out of the Vietnam war.
Joe
took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the
weight
guesser
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
The
Dubya lesson... He says nucular-- nuke you lar. Need I say more?
entered
July 15, 2004 |
President’s
Library Destroyed By Fire
A tragic fire on Sunday destroyed the personal library of
President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. A
presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had not
finished coloring the second one. |
The
U.S. Postal Service created a stamp earlier this year with a
picture of President Bush to honor his achievements while in office.
However, it was found that in daily use the stamp was not sticking to
envelopes at all. So the President established a blue ribbon commission
to determine the reason for such a defect.
After a month's testing, the commission made the following findings:
1. The stamp was found to be in perfect order.
2. There was nothing wrong with the consistency of the applied
adhesive.
3. People were just spitting on the wrong side. |
An
airplane was about to crash; there were 5 famous passengers on board but
only 4 parachutes
Left. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the
best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need
me, I can't afford to die ... So he took the first pack and left the
plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the
former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious
woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future
president." She just took the second parachute and
jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the
United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader
of a superpower nation. And, above all I'm the very cleverest
President in American history, so America's people won't let me
die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out
of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, The
Labavitcher Rebbe,!
"I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic
I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The Rebbe says, "Don't be silly. It's OK, there's
a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has just
taken my Tallis. (prayer shawl)" |
| A
man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President
Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the
television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've
ever seen."
A customer at
the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked
him.
A few minutes
later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the
television. "She's a horse's ass too," said the man.
This time, a
customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn
it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must
be Bush country!"
"Nope,"
the bartender replied.
"Horse
country!"
|
- DON'T MESS WITH SENIOR WOMEN
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem,Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in
the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle
the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping
his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out
a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told
me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding,
too.
|
Subject: Shopping
A husband shopping center has just opened in Vilnius where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in
positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is,
however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from
that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down
except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and
says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and
love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But
I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!"
exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further
up!" And again
she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love
kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must
be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 You are visitor
number123,456,789,012,345,678 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have
a nice day.
Now, this part is true.... the person who sent this joke in is a
woman who's in a long term gay relationship. The joke didn't say there
weren't women up there. She wrote in along with the joke, "Yes,
I know this isn't PC. No, I don't care that it isn't feminist, I thought
it was funny anyway!! "
|
A
man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six
> again," she replied.
>
> On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they
> went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the
> park: the Death Slide, the Screaming loop, the Wall of Fear -
everything
> there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her
> head reeling and her stomach upside down.
>
> Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a
Big Mac
> along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
>
> Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot
dogs,
> popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
>
> What a fabulous adventure!
>
> Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned
> over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"
>
> One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "Good grief, so
that's what today was all
> about. I didn't mean my age, I MEANT MY DRESS SIZE!." |
A
man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan |
| Three
Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic, Clinton or Bush |
| A Major League Joke Bush
Would Understand and Appreciate
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated first in his
class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in
Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son,
he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making
half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "you know my son, he
never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now
makes 1
million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman"
The other two women ask "Vos is a sports
repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games,
football games, baseball games,....." |
| Mood swing
solution
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns blue.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe he'll buy me a diamond next time.
(website founder Rob Kall invented
a high tech mood ring
25 years ago. |
|
Sherry lost her husband almost four
years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her
daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately
replies,"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate
hit. They really like one another and after Dating for six weeks,
he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she
undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of
black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties?"
She replies,"My breasts you
can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still in mourning."
The following night the same
scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he
is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his
erection.
She looks at him and asks,
"What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer
my deepest condolences.
|
If
you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can
that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just
Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster
babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too don't you?) We peered at the patient. After
much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do
something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,"
his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own
young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very
interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a
boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they
come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing
at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were
silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I
demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were
now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of
your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless! |
A
shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you
know jack-shit about my business. .....Now give me back my dog." |
I was happy. My
girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in everyway, my friends
encouraged me, and my fiancée? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law
to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was
unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my
curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding
invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone.
As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you
will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I
can
no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please
make
love to me just once". I was in total shock .... what could I say?
As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and
if
you share my yearnings, just come up and take me." Still dazed, I
watched
her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned
around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out
of
the house......
Amazingly, her husband was standing outside.. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little
test.
We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."
I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the
valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's
childhood home. Always....................
...
.....
........
always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car. |
A
104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
"No peer pressure" she
responded. |
To the Rocks in my Life
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the
table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up
a very large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
with
an unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table
and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar --
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.. The students
laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner,
your health, your children -- things that if everything else was
lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter -- like your job, your
house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes
for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks
first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room
for a couple of beers."
"Please make it a nice day for someone - and
have a nice day yourself"
|
| It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Canadians or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Canadians or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Canadian or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
>CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you. |
|
