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Guns, Jesus, the Bible, Gays, Oil, Swift
Boats and the Wink. (Why Bush Won)
(a
Satire by James Boyne)
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- Here's some
things that Democratic candidates can do to take the wind out of the
sails of the GOP and throw a monkey wrench into the 2008 Republican
campaign strategy. These tactics will also explain why Democrats lost.
As we found out, once again, the truth doesn’t matter to the GOP.
Only winning matters. Issues don’t matter. Policies don’t matter.
Only corporate control of our Federal Government matters to the GOP
and they will say anything to get control and maintain control.
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- Right now all
2008 potential Democratic nominees should do the following:
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- 1. Buy a
rifle and go hunting.
You don’t have to say you are for or against any kind of gun
control. You just have to have a few dozen photos of yourself holding
a rifle and hunting. Preferably you should hunt pheasants which is the
least objectionable hunting game to animal rights type people.
Pheasants, after all are birds that are all jittery and nervous and
one can never get close to a pheasant and bond with one. Rarely will a
pheasant look you in the eye and chirp “help”, so blowing away a
pheasant won’t offend anyone and it will endear you the hunters.
-
- Merely having
some photos that the TV and newspapers can splash across the screen or
page would take away the GOP's scare tactic of making all the Southern
and Midwestern gun owners think that democratic candidates would take
away their guns. The Democratic candidate should even join the NRA to
show how he wants to work with the NRA to make
America
safe and free. This would throw a small monkey wrench into one of the
GOP wedge issues---gun control.
- As a matter of
fact I would recommend that all 55 million Kerry voters send in $10 to
the NRA and become a member, whether you own a gun or not. 55 million
new NRA members that were all Democrats would certainly have some
clout and the NRA would have to stop endorsing GOP candidates under
threat of NOT sending in $10 to renew their membership----money talks.
-
- It’s silly to
throw away the White House on the basis of whether some nuance of some
legislation is deemed to be “gun control”. Having a friendlier
stance toward guns and the NRA would also undoubtedly pick up some of
the policeman vote since Bush captured a lot of the policeman vote.
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- The GOP would
have to find a different wedge issue other than “gun control”.
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- 2.
Fishing.
Might as well lock up the fishing crowd too. Instead of wind surfing
the candidate should take up fishing. Fishing is manly, as is hunting.
Salt-water fishing could lock up the East Coast, West Coast and
Gulf
Coast
fishermen.
Lake
and stream fishing would appeal to voters in the mainly Red states so
it’s important that the Democratic candidate be photographed fishing
in lakes and streams, like Cheney did on occasion.
A tie-in to the environment would have an appeal too. We must
protect the environment for the benefit of hunters, fishermen and gun
owners. We must protect our wetlands, not for birds, but for people
who want to shoot the birds and people who want to fish in the
wetlands. Birds don’t vote. Wetlands don’t vote. Pheasants don’t
vote.
-
- Why give up the
White House and the Presidency, arguing over how you are going to take
peoples fishing rods away so they can’t fish and take their guns
away so they cant hunt. You can’t legislate gun control or protect
our streams, forests, and wetlands unless you win the White House.
Another great tactic might be to write a few articles for Field &
Stream Magazine about your favorite large mouth bass lure or your
favorite type of ammo for shooting ducks. It can’t hurt.
-
- 3. The
Bible.
Democratic candidates need to recapture Jesus for their own. This
should be easy since Jesus was basically quite liberal. I doubt that
Jesus would be selling health insurance policies to people over 50 and
charging $1500 a month, nor would be charging $350 for an office visit
to give a digital rectal exam for prostate cancer. After all, Jesus
raised Lazarus from the dead, for free. I bet any hospital today would
charge at least $750,000 to raise a person from the dead and the
co-pay alone would send you into bankruptcy.
-
- So the Democrats
need to recapture Jesus. How? Candidates need to buy an old worn Bible
and start carrying it around on Sundays. The Bible should have a few
post-it notes sticking out of the pages to show that it is used
regularly. Candidates should memorize a few short passages,
preferably, ones that verify that Jesus was indeed a liberal. Quotes
like---Feed the hungry, heal the sick, shelter the homeless, clothe
the naked, raise the minimum wage, reduce unemployment to 0%,
eliminate the deficit, don’t screw around with Social Security, etc.
-
- Right now Jesus
is being torn from limb to limb by conservatives who are yanking on
His right arm and liberals who are pulling His left arm out of its
socket. Democrats need to simply give Jesus a big hug and claim Him as
their own----Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus the Progressive, Jesus the
Liberal who was betrayed, beaten, flogged, and crucified by the
Conservatives of His day.
-
- Stay away from
the "born again" Christians. They are a lost cause anyway.
I've been trying to get "born again" for the past 50 years
and I can’t figure out how the hell it is done. I think it is
something like being hypnotized---a good hypnotist will tell you that
you were hypnotized even if you claim you weren’t hypnotized. I know
people that have talked to God, talked to Jesus, heard Jesus talking
to them, and had one-on-one private meetings with Jesus. I have even
given up drinking and smoking, started going to church regularly,
confession, been baptized a second time, and asked Jesus to come into
my heart. I've even increased my donation at church services to a sum
of money that I thought would entice Jesus to answer me and make me
born again. I know some guys that curse, drink, smoke, lie, gamble,
and cheat on their wives, and when I meet them at Church services they
fold their hands, cast their eyes down in a saintly look, and ask me
if I have opened my heart to Jesus yet. My pastor said that I not only
had to open my heart to Jesus but I also had to open my wallet to
Jesus, and that I could do better, whatever that means.
-
- If you monitored
President Bush closely during the campaigning you would have noticed
that he never ever mentioned neither the word “Jesus” nor the word
“Christ”. He never once mentioned the word Catholic, the words
Protestant, or Jewish. He never once mentioned that he himself was a
Methodist, that is, before he was an Episcopalian, that is, before he
was a Presbyterian, that is before he was a Lutheran,
that is, before he was in the National Guard, that is, before
he was a heavy drinker. Sounds like a flip-flopper,
if there ever was one, to me. The point is, you just have to be
photographed clutching onto that Bible and shaking hands with the
pastor at the end of Sunday church services and you will be “in like
Flynn” with the Jesus crowd in the Red states.
-
- There are lots
of progressive, moderate thinking, liberal, and "normal"
Christians out there in the world too. The Democratic candidate
doesn’t have to appeal to the "rattlesnake worshiping
crowd" in
Alabama
to win over a large majority of Christians.
Actually, I'd give up on the Pentecostal, Fundamentalist, and
Evangelical Christians. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are probably
always going to be Bush voters as are Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker
and Tammy Faye, and that preacher (Ben something) who does the faith
healing. (Hey, that would have been a good question for the moderator
to have asked during the debates, “Do you, as a Presidential
candidate believe in and would you support as a faith-based
initiative, the practice of Faith Healing”).
-
- At any rate,
I'd concentrate on Catholics and mainline Protestants, and
people who don’t go to church and are doomed to go to hell anyway.
The problem is getting these groups to vote. People who don’t go to
Church and are doomed to go to Hell anyway, know it, and therefore
when it comes time to vote just say to themselves, “What the Hell,
why should I vote, I’m going to go to Hell anyway”. This is a
problem. Catholics can be enticed to vote, especially if Democrats can
convince them that missing the vote is like missing Sunday
Mass---it’s a Mortal Sin, and if they don’t vote they will be
doomed to Hell.
-
- It would be good
for the Democratic candidate to go to Church every Sunday and have his
picture taken with the pastor after Church services. This is
important. If you go to Church and no one knows it, it does you no
good. Even if only God knows it, it does you no good. It has to be
photographed. It has to be on TV or in the newspaper for it to count.
If you are a “born again” Christian and only God’s knows it,
that won’t get you into the White House. Actually I’d stay away
from claiming to be born again. It sounds kind of freaky. Kennedy
would have never been elected if he had claimed he was “born
again” and that he was speaking and listening to Jesus and
God---Catholic Jesus and Catholic God, and that all Protestants would
naturally go to hell because they didn’t believe in the one, true
Catholic, Pope approved God.
-
- Absurd isn’t
it? This is why we have separation of Church and State.
-
- 3. Gays.
The next candidate shouldn’t get embroiled in the debate over gay
marriage or same sex unions, or sexual orientation. The word S-E-X is
a no-no anyway. Kerry made a big mistake when he mentioned the word
“lesbian” on national TV, referring to Cheney’s “lesbian”
daughter. Can you imagine
how many little old ladies sitting on their couch yelled into their
husbands and said, “Harry, come here quick, that guy Kerry just said
something about lesbians”?. And Harry would come running into the
living room with his can of beer and say, “Yeah Ethel, I heard, I
think Kerry’s the one that got that queer daughter that everyone is
talking about”, “I don’t know”. “Maybe it’s Bush that has
the “funny” daughter.
-
- The words gay,
lesbian, and sex should never be used. If a candidate must refer to
one of these groups they should always just be referred to as
individuals, or “all Americans”. People in the heartland of
America
don’t want to even hear the word “gay” or “homosexual”.
They’re still struggling with the word “pregnant” that wasn’t
even permitted on TV in the 1950’s and early 1960’s.
-
- The word
“condom” should never be used either. It conjures up visions of,
well, you know, what the condom is used on. I can’t even bring
myself to say it. Plus, if you say you are going to give $50 billion
to
Africa
so they can buy a zillion condoms it conjures up visions of, well, you
know, zillions of, you know, male biological parts.
-
- “Abortion”
is another word to stay away from. Democratic candidates need to be
‘Pro-Life” AND “Pro-Choice”. One can be Pro-Life and still
want not to give up one’s options, and so therefore be Pro-Choice.
It doesn’t matter what you are, as a Democratic candidate, if you
don’t get to the White
House.
-
- 4.
Environment:
Alaskans voted for Bush so I imagine they want oil drilling in
the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge. I’ve never been to
Alaska
and I don’t plan on ever visiting
Alaska
. If I do I will probably stay in a Holiday Inn Express and watch TV
and never get to see much of
Alaska
. Besides even if we did drill in
Alaska
the oil would only last about 50 years and then it would run out and
Alaska
could get back to being
Alaska
for the next 10,000 years.
-
- The biggest
environmental calamity to ever hit
Alaska
,
Canada
, and the
USA
was when there was a “land bridge” from Siberia to
Alaska
, which allowed cavemen or early humans to cross over onto the North
American continent. Nothings ever been the same.
-
- If a Democratic
candidate wants to appease the energy industry executives the
candidate could come out in favor of drilling for more oil in
Texas
.
Texas
is already Bush country so what the hell,
we might as well drill away into oblivion in
Texas
. Besides, Texans don’t care about oil spills or environmental
disasters. After all, it’s
Texas
. It’s oil country. They take pride in drinking water with Mercury
in it. If a Democrat ever wins he could set up 5000 oil drilling rigs
all over
Crawford
,
Texas
and confiscate George Bush’s ranch in a search for oil.
-
- 5.
Negative Ads:
Negative advertisements have become an important part of defeating the
opposing candidate. This means that the Democrats have to perfect
their technique to the extent that the Republicans have mastered the
negative ad. The Swift Boat ads were a great example in how to totally
destroy the war record of a person who risked his life, won several
medals, and came home and risked their reputation to speak out against
a war that three Presidents (Johnson, Nixon and Ford) eventually
“threw the towel in” anyway, because the American people had had
enough. The Swift Boat ads made me feel like we had made a terrible
mistake by pulling out of
Vietnam
and that we should launch a new attack on
Vietnam
and go back in there and knock a few heads together and kick some
butt. I am waiting for President Bush to order some F-115’s to
strafe
Hanoi
and make a preemptive attack on
Vietnam
and go in and finish the job. I would bet that there are 50,000
terrorists in
Vietnam
right now that don’t even know that they are terrorists yet. I bet
there are 500,000 insurgents in
South Vietnam
---just waiting for us. We can get ‘em. I bet they are the folks
that want to knock our buildings down.
-
- Negative ads
work, so Democrats, when they learn who the next GOP nominee will be
should immediately launch a massive search for photographs of the
opposing candidate showing him as a geek when he was 15 years old. A
driving record search is a necessity to see how many times the
candidate was caught speeding, not stopping for stop signs, reckless
driving, parking in a disabled person parking spot, and honking his
horn in a hospital quiet zone.
-
- Negative ads are
especially effective if you can get someone to cry about how bad the
other candidate is. When I saw those 200 Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
all lined up and when the TV camera panned over their faces and they
all stood there claiming that they had been wronged by Senator Kerry
more than 40 years ago it really had an affect on me. They were
crying. I started to cry. My whole family was crying. We didn’t know
why. We just wanted to cry. Senator Kerry had wronged all these
people. What a scoundrel he must be. I didn’t even know that 200
guys could even fit on one Swift Boat and I didn’t know that 200
guys were ever standing on a boat watching Senator Kerry get wounded.
What the hell were 200 guys doing just standing around on a Swift Boat
watching Kerry get wounded and taking notes so they could give him the
royal shaft 40 years later.
-
- The good thing
about negative ads is that you can lie and it doesn’t matter. The
only thing that matters is winning the White House.
-
- In four more
years there may be 100 million voters begging Senator Kerry to run for
President again and get us out of the mess we got ourselves into.
-
- 6. The
Wink:
Have you ever noticed how President Bush often winks at people. It’s
weird. I always wondered who the hell he was winking at in the crowd.
Was it a Secret Service Agent? Was it an old girlfriend from high
school? Was it someone who just handed him an envelope with $10,000 in
it? Was it someone who was blowing him kisses? When he winks it always
makes me feel left out because he is winking at someone he knows and
here I am just watching him wink on TV. I always wished that the
person who was being winked at would jump up on the stage so I could
see him or her.
-
- Maybe he is
winking a no one. Maybe he just likes to wink because it looks neat.
Maybe he just has something caught in his eye. Maybe he has an eye
twitch. Who the hell knows. All I know is that Kerry didn’t ever
wink---and he lost the election. It makes one wonder about the power
of winking. I wonder if Jesus Christ went around giving speeches and
winking at people. I wonder if Jesus winked at the Romans when He was
up on the Cross. It baffles me. I just don’t get “the winking”
thing.
-
- I actually
can’t stand it when someone winks at me. It’s kind of
condescending or patronizing. Whenever I see one person wink at
another person I always think that those two people have some special
secret between them, and that I am the only person in the world who
doesn’t know the secret. I hate winkers. But I guess winking is
looked upon favorably in the
Deep South
and the American Heartland of the Red states because George winked and
George won.
-
- So my final
advice to the Democratic candidate is to practice winking. I never did
see President Bush wink at Senator Kerry during the debates but Bush
did wink at someone else in the audience. Maybe if Kerry winked he
would have won over the winking crowd. You never know. Possibly, Bush
and Kerry could have had a winking contest to see who could have
outwinked the other. But, then again, winking is certainly Bush’s
strong point so it’s just as well that Kerry backed off from the
wink.
-
- Also, President
Bush’s eyes are too close together. He should really get that fixed.
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- James Boyne dboyne@aol.com
James
Boyne is a regular contributor to opednews.com and his other articles can
be accessed at Articles
by James Boyne
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