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Creationism vs. Evolution vs.
Contradictionism:
The Secret Untold Story
- By
James Boyne (a humorous satire)
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- www.OpEdNews.com
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Creationism: About 6,000 years ago God created the universe. He
did Earth in 7 days---first he did the basic frame; then the
water; then the dirt; then the air; then the trees and plants (the
landscaping); then the animals, fishies and birdies; and then the
guy and the girl. Adam and Eve, He named them.
God rested on the 7th day. He was pooped out----totally
exhausted.
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Note: At first the Earth was flat but things kept falling off the
edge. In about the 1400’s or so God reshaped Earth and made it
into a round ball. Galileo was the first man to discover that the
Earth had been changed from flat to round.
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- By
making the Earth round it meant that mankind could no longer get
into outer space by jumping off the edge of the Earth; we would
have to develop a Space Shuttle which proved to be much less
efficient and much more costly than just jumping off the edge of
Earth. The round Earth also meant that mankind could now travel
around in circles and never really get anywhere. Christopher
Columbus was the first man to try out the new circle shaped Earth
but Columbus bumped into a place called North America because God
stuck a new Hemisphere called the “New World” right in the middle
of the ocean between Europe and India.
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Ferdinand Magellan was the fist person to circumnavigate the
globe. When Magellan finished his journey he said, “Holy Shit,
it’s a circle” He quickly wrote down something called
“Pie-R-Squared” and the number 3.14. He discovered Geometry, and
eventually the letter “F” for “Failing Grade” was developed for
all those who studied Geometry. It was all part of God’s master
plan.
God gave Adam a pee pee to make him a man.
Adam got lonely, for obvious reasons; and started to fall into a
deep depression. Adam wanted to watch too much TV, but there was
no TV to be found since it hadn’t been invented yet. Zoloft, Paxil
and Prozax were not available back then either, not even from
Canada. Adam couldn’t even engage in gay sex since there were no
other men around. As a matter of fact, sex was not even an option
since Adam was the only living person on earth.
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- God
told Adam to go to his doctor and ask him if possibly Zoloft or
Viagra “was right for him”. Adam explained to God that their was
no doctors on Earth yet since he, Adam, was the only living
person. God thundered back, “Oh yeah, I forgot”.
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- God
decided that there should be doctors so He created the
“Hippocratic Oath” but then He remembered that there was no one
named Hippocrates so He waited until the year 300 BC and He
created Hippocrates, the first doctor. Dr. Hippocrates took his
own oath and opened up an office. He did research and developed
the co-pay, the deductible, the limitation and exclusion, and the
dreaded appeal process for denied claims. His practice thrived.
Everyone wanted to take the Hippocratic Oath that basically said,
“Do No Harm”.
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- God
liked the “Do No Harm” slogan so He developed Hell where He could
have people sent to be eternally tortured with red-hot coals,
white hot lava, and hot pokers and pitchforks. He created the
Devil (who was 1000 times worse than Adolph Hitler) to carry out
His work. The Devil was red and had a long tail and pointed hears.
He ran a tight ship. No one escaped.
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- God
sent nearly everyone to Hell, mostly on trumped up charges or
false allegations made by members of the right wing, conservative,
Republican Christian coalition. God also sent them to Hell since
He really didn’t like snitches or tattletales either. Most of the
people allowed in Heaven were actually atheists or agnostics who
had no axe to grind and went about their daily business as
non-believers. Atheists had a lot more time on their hands since
they didn’t have to pray.
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- In the
year Zero, between 1 B.C and 1 A.D. Jesus was born in on a pile of
hay, in a barn to a Virgin named Mary and an older man named Saint
Joseph whose motto was “I had nothing to do with it”.
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- When
Jesus was killed he created the Pope so He would have someone that
could sit at a window and wave to the crowds in a place called the
Vatican. Right before Jesus was killed He said to a guy named
Peter, “Peter, you are a Rock, and upon this Rock I build my
Church”. This was wise thinking on the part of Jesus because if He
had said, “Peter, you are a Vegetable, and upon this Vegetable I
build my Church” or “Peter, you are a Animal and upon this Animal
I build My Church”, it wouldn’t have sounded the same or had the
same nice ring to it. Jesus was good at advertising and public
relations----even though his message fell on deaf ears with
Pontius Pilate and the Jews who cried for his crucifixion.
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- Henry
Ford was eventually responsible for the development of the
Pope-mobile; a bullet proof, glass enclosed golf cart that was
mass-produced in a quantity of one. Henry Ford created this
assembly line, mass production type of manufacturing so that
America (in the future) could transfer all its manufacturing base
to a place called China where there were one billion descendants
of Adam, but with slanted eyes.
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Anything could get you into Hell----impure thoughts where you
might be thinking about the genitalia of the opposite sex or
something as simple as not eating fish sticks on Friday and
gobbling down a hamburger by mistake.
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- Adam
was allowed to touch and hold his pee pee if he had to urinate but
for no other reason, if you know what I mean.
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- One of
God’s first rules was “Adam, you should not have impure thoughts”.
Adam actually didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever since he didn’t
know who he was, where he was, what he was there for, what he was
suppose to do or not do, and didn’t even know that he was on a
place called Earth or that he was the first. God just plunked him
down in the Garden of Eden with no money, no weapons, no drivers
license, no passport, no clothes, and no instructions. Adam had no
mother and no father; no brothers and no sisters; no grandparents;
no nothing. He sure as hell didn’t have time for “impure
thoughts”. But things were about to change.
God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it
right out of Adams chest; no anesthesia or nothing. God put the
rib in some water with some Miracle Grow or something and he
created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve from Adam’s
rib. God also liked to do “stem cell research” in His spare time.
And to Eve, He gave a wee wee to make her a woman. He made them to
be about 30 years old according to the most recently available
photographs of them of which there are numerous reprints in most
Christian schools.
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According to the photos, Adam and Eve were white Caucasians.
Therefore, no one really knows how all the blacks, Hispanics,
olive skinned Mediterranean types, American Indians, Eskimos, and
other non-whites got that way. It might have been too much
sunshine with no sunscreen available, or maybe it was their diet.
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- In 6000
years Hispanics, Chinese, Latinos (who were named after the Latin
language called Latin), American Indians (who are not from India)
and especially Blacks (who are named after the Crayola crayon
called Black) have made “tremendous strides” according to white,
Caucasian TV commentators. Look at Michael Jackson. He has turned
White before our very eyes. (This is why Michael Jackson wanted an
all-white jury for his child molestation trial.
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- And
Oprah Winfrey’s facial features have evolved through the process
of 20 years of evolution to resemble those of a Caucasian. This in
itself proves the existence of the theory of evolution.
The pee pee, in combination with the wee
wee worked out good (or well, depending on the proper use of
English). Adam could now be a man; and Eve was given the right to
be a woman, if she behaved and didn’t get out of hand, or start to
have hot flashes and freak out once a month.
God created the menstrual cycle for Eve.
He gave her cramps. He gave her headaches. Hot flashes. It was a
mess. And sometimes Eve could be a real bitch. Adam could never
understand it.
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- The
menstrual cycle was one of God’s master achievements. The only way
Eve could get rid of her damn menstrual cycle was to let Adam and
his pee pee come in direct contact with her wee wee which resulted
in her menstrual cycle shutting down for 9 months. However, the
alternative of giving birth was hardly a welcome trade off.
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- The
menstrual cycle was one of God’s crowning glories of mis-design----a
true engineering disaster. God originally designed a 28 day,
monthly menstrual cycle. However, He designed months with 30 days
in them and some months even had 31. God developed a little poetic
jingle so women could remember when their period was coming. It
went like this----“30 days hath September, April, June and
November; all the rest hath 31, except for February to which we 28
days assign, until leap year gives it 29”. This is how women keep
track.
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- This
screwed everything up since after a few years of 28 day menstrual
cycles plus with Christmas, Easter, Washington’s Birthday,
Lincoln’s Birthday, Lent, the long Thanksgiving Day weekend,
National Cheese Day, and God’s poetic jingle----not a woman alive
could tell when her bad time of month was going to start.
Switching back and forth from Daylight Savings Time to Eastern
Standard Time didn’t help either. And of course, having sex and
getting pregnant would put the entire system into “shutdown mode”
which would then have to be re-started nine months later. It’s
like trying to shut down and re-start a nuclear power plant.
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- A
woman getting pre-menstrual cramps, hot flashes and headaches is
like a nuclear meltdown. You don’t want to be anywhere near it.
This is why God created the Blessed Virgin Mary---so she wouldn’t
have to be tortured with this experience. The Blessed Virgin Mary
gave birth to Jesus without even having had sex. It was nice,
clean, simple, tidy and-----virginal. This is what the State of
Virginia is named after as well as 100% Virgin Olive Oil. Also,
when you hear about a “virgin forest” it is a forest that hasn’t
had sex yet. Virgin wool comes from sheep that don’t have sex.
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My mother’s and father’s name are Virginia and Virgil. They’ve
never had sex. And my father always told me, “Son, when you get
married look for a Virgin”. I am still looking, and can’t find
one. God created Virgins which proves Creationism. However,
Virgins don’t last long, which proves Evolution. It’s a
contradiction, which proves Contradictionism.
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God’s design of the menstrual cycle is responsible for more lost
human productivity, lost wages, lost work, and spontaneous
outbursts of rage and violence than any other of God’s mistakes.
It does accomplish one very important thing----it keeps men “in
check”. It is the one thing that makes a man “back off”-----a
woman who can flip out for no reason. God was going to give Man a
menstrual cycle also but when He drew up the plans, at the last
minute, being that this was the time of Creationism, he decided to
give Adam some testicles instead. God can do anything He wants.
He’s God. So God just said, “Let there be a menstrual cycle” and
it just happened. And then He said, “Let there be testicles” and
it just happened. This is Creationism at its most basic. All
Christians should be taught this.
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- Adam
was given testicles because men need balls to go into war and
fight savagely and viciously. If one has what is known in
technical terms as a pussy one can not fight an aggressive, life
and death, hand to hand combat, battle. One has to have balls to
do that. Most women have pussies or wee wee’s and most men have
testicles or balls. The bigger the balls the better. The smaller
the pussy the better. Its all part of God’s plan. This was indeed
part of Creationism and should be mandatory teaching in all
schools. Note: Generally men are encourage to scratch their balls
even though they don’t get very itchy. Women are forbidden to
scratch their pussy even those the itching may be unbearable. Drug
companies make billions of dollars on this type of itch phenomena.
Its part of Evolution.
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Note: The human spine was God’s second biggest design failure.
Some say that the real reason that God has not come back to Earth
is because He would have a multi-trillion dollar, class action
lawsuit slapped against Him for the almost criminally incompetent
design of the human spine. Anyone who has taken Electricity 101
knows that you don’t snake a million little electrical wires (with
no color codes) through a liquid medium where they come in contact
with each other and with sharp objects like bones. I mean, what
was God thinking ! The human body has millions of Building Code
Violations inherent in it. None have been prosecuted----because He
is God. Oh well, let’s get back to Adam and Eve.
Anyway, they lived near a big apple tree
and a snake came by that was really the Devil but he spoke good
English. Most snakes spoke good English back 6000 years ago. The
snake spoke to Eve and said, "Eat the apple if you want to be
happy". The Devil was some kind of local fresh fruit salesman so
Eve did not suspect that this was a trick to see if she could be
lured into the mortal sin of eating an apple. She had always been
told to eat lots of fruits and vegetables all her life (ever since
she was Created at the age of 30), and to eat a balanced diet so
she just did not know the snake was the Devil in disguise.. She
thought it was just some ordinary snake giving her a hard time
about not eating apples.
Eve tried to resist but how can you NOT eat
an apple when a snake speaks real good English and tells you not
to eat the apple. It's like telling a woman to NOT eat the
chocolates on St. Valentines Day. Adam just stood around looking
suspicious. So Eve went and took a bite out of the nice red apple.
At that point God got really mad because
this was all just a "set up" to see if Eve, the one with the wee
wee, could resist the commands of the Devil who was disguised as
an English speaking snake. So God yelled out from up in Heaven,
"Eve, you have sinned, you ate the freakin' apple".
Adam said, "Holy Shit, Eve, look what
you've done now. Christ, our goose is cooked". God made Adam an
accomplice of Eve's and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden
which was a pretty nice garden back in those days (which is where
the term "garden apartments comes from).
From there it was all down hill for the two
of them. All of a sudden they had to start wearing clothes and
stuff. Eve had two sons named Cain and Able (they didn't have last
names because they were the first people on Earth and God didn't
give them a birth certificate or anything; not even a Social
Security number).
Eve never had any baby girls with wee wee's;
just the two boys with the pee pee things. Figure that one out?
Cain got in a big fight with Able one day
and Cain killed Able which enabled Jeffrey Archer, a British
novelist, to write a best selling book and call it Cain and Able.
I read the book. It was one of my favorite and it had nothing to
do with Adam and Eve; just a story of two brothers.
Oh yeah, by this time Adam had been laid
off from his job as "first human being on Earth, CEO"; God revoked
his pension and cancelled his health care insurance (and they
didn't have COBRA back in those days). He eventually got injured
real bad when Eve clobbered him in a domestic dispute involving
the two boys (Eve had a third boy named Seth) who were older now
and still hadn't moved out of the house but were allegedly on
drugs, using up what little money Adam had saved when he was
employed as "first human being on Earth, CEO".
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Eventually, it is believed Adam and Eve got divorced. No one
really knows how we evolved since that time since Evolution
doesn’t exist, only Creationism, and God wasn't in the business of
creating one person after another, after another, after another,
after another. It’s tiring. So God gave us two choices: we could
use the wee wee and the pee pee to reproduce if we didn’t mind
dealing with the whole menstrual cycle mess; or we could clone
each other and keep it nice and clean and simple.
As humans we failed to discover cloning for
thousands of years and so stuck with the old fashion routine of
actual physical contact between pee pee and wee wee. This made
things difficult for women and men to get along because men like
to go off to war and liberate other civilizations by annihilating
them and exterminating whole groups of people so they could be
free. Women on the other hand like to stay home and pluck at their
eyebrows, put make up on with names such as “Tempt Me” and “Tease
Me” and try on lots of shoes to see if they could master the art
of walking with a limp in excruciating foot pain. Times were tough
6000 years ago.
About 6,000 years later Jesus Christ was
born. Jesus didn't have a father because his mother was a Virgin.
The neighborhood decided to call her the Blessed Virgin Mary. No
one could hardly believe it, so they started to make statues of
Mary with little water plates on them so birds could come down and
get a drink of water on the Mary statutes. Most of the Blessed
Virgin Mary statutes are in the front yards of Italians living
mainly on Long Island, New York today. No one knows why?
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- Since
Jesus didn’t have a father he was technically a “bastard”. This
sounds bad. So one of the Three Kings that had been stalking Mary
and Joseph for nine months who followed a star in the sky and
found them at the instant the birth was taking place said, “this
is a bastard, Holy Jesus Christ Almighty”. So the name stuck. He
was called either Holy Jesus or Jesus Christ or Christ Almighty.
To this day, 6000 years later, most people when something
astonishingly wrong happens they say, “Holy Jesus, or Jesus
Christ, or Christ Almighty”. Or sometimes they will revert to the
more primitive phrase and just say, “bastard” !
Oh yeah, Mary married a much older guy
named Saint Joseph. He became a saint because he was old and Mary
was pretty good looking and young. If you were a 60 year old guy
and could hook up with a 17 year old girl, what would you do? And
Saint Joseph never had sex with Mary, even though she got pregnant
(or so the story goes). Saint Joseph was quiet. He never said
much. No one knows where he worked. But one night he and Mary took
off on a donkey to make a thousand mile trip through the desert.
It was considered normal behavior back in those days. There was no
"slow speed car chase" to head off Saint Joseph before he reached
the Sinai/Egypt border.
Everyone just said, "Oh, there goes the
older man with the pregnant teenage girl; off on a nice 1000 mile
vacation on a donkey. Isn't that nice" The Blessed Virgin Mary
tried to cover it all up because she knew she would be stoned to
death if her folks ever found out she was pregnant. Rumors had it
that Joe didn't even really do it. It was some teenager next door
who was the real father of Jesus, but the teenage boy took off
like a "bat out of Hell" when Mary told him she had missed her
period because he knew that his family would probably bludgeon him
to death, which was quite acceptable as a form of mild punishment
about 2000 years ago in the good old days.
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Basically, Jesus, Mary and Joseph stayed out of sight for about 32
years until the day when Jesus started to appear again doing
miracles like feeding 10,000 people at the Sermon on the Mount
with only one fish and one loaf of bread. He also raised a boy
name Lazarus from the dead. Lazarus was his only success. He tried
raising about 30,000 dead boys from the dead but Lazarus was the
only one that worked out well so it was called a miracle.
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- Jesus’s
right hand man was a guy name Peter the Rock. After Jesus was
crucified Peter got on a horse (or walked) to Rome and announced
to the Roman Empire that then controlled all of civilization that
he, Peter, was going to take over Rome and that he wanted about
100 acres of prime land in order to build a Vatican filled with
ornate buildings that no one knows who built but were filled with
gold. The Roman Empire said, “Sure, OK, if its OK with God and
Jesus its OK with us.” Peter declared himself the first Pope. He
called himself, Pope #1. He sent out a lot of direct mail and the
money just started rolling in.
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- Most of
the Popes since then have spent a lot of time and money killing
most of the inhabitants of the earth that were not Christians.
Christopher Columbus and the Spanish Conquistadors and other
European Colonists had to kill about 12 million American Natives
in order to bring the word of Christ to them. It was exhausting
but it paid off because the Western World became Christian.
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- Most of
the Native American Indians that survived were put on large
parcels of land called Indian Reservations. Yes, this was land
reserved for Indians. This was done so they couldn’t mingle with
the white Christians. The Indians prospered by growing and
harvesting tumbleweeds and prickerbushes and enjoying living in
their teepees in the middle of nowhere. Living with sand storms in
the middle of the dust bowl agreed with them. They were Indians.
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Hundreds of millions of humans were killed trying to get them to
believe that Jesus Christ was God. After a few centuries most of
the remaining inhabitants of civilization gave in and said, “OK.
He’s God”. So the plan worked. The Catholic Church and Christians
learned that killing was a good and efficient method of proving
that Jesus was God.
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- Much
work still has to be done. Creationism has to be proven to the
ignorant masses. The Ten Commandments have to be accepted by all
remaining living human beings. Christian prayers in schools must
be mandatory in order to properly teach hatred, intolerance, non
acceptance, narrow mindedness, and morality and family values. The
sanctity of life can only be assured if all those who disagree are
eliminated and denied the sanctity of life.
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- A lot
of Christians became disillusioned and broke off from the Church.
They were called Protestants and they are destined to go to Hell
because they don’t believe in the one true Church and the
authority of the Pope. The Pope is the only person in the world
who can not make a mistake. He is infallible. If you refuse to
believe that, you go to Hell. Sorry, no exceptions. You can’t just
say that the Pope is just a kind old man. That’s not good enough.
When the Pope speaks, it is God speaking. God created the Pope.
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- The
Pope just died. He was a great man. He accomplished many things
for mankind in the last 25 years. He became the best waver the
world has ever known. No one could wave to a crowd better than the
Pope. Millions came from all over the world to see the Pope wave.
The Pope also mastered being a passenger in his Popemobile. Often
he would combine he two; riding in the Popemobile and waving. It
gave people great hope. The Pope waved goodbye to 5 million people
in Africa last year because he forbade them to use condoms when
having sex and they died of AIDS. The Pope gave them hope as they
died and as he waved goodbye to them. They had not sinned and they
would be guaranteed eternal bliss in Heaven. Getting AIDS in
Africa is God’s way of saying “Thank You” for not using a condom.
Bless You.
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- Without
birth control the population of the planet Earth is suppose to
reach 9 billion from its present 5 billion, by the year 2020. This
is good. The more people the merrier. Its not good to be alone.
You might be tempted to have impure thoughts. And with 9 billion
people we can really have some dandy wars. There are no plans on
ending the menstrual cycle. Some things will stay the same.
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- People
like Rev. (money grubber, dangerous educator) Jerry Fallwel, Rev
(prostitute solicitor) Jimmy Swaggart, Rev. (ex-con, scam artist)
Jim Bakker, Rev. (phoney faith healer) Benny Hinn, Rev.
(presidential advisor to more than four dishonest American
Presidents) Billy Graham, Rev. (ex-alcoholic) Billy Graham, Jr.,
Rev. (murderer of 900 gullible people) Jim Jones, and Rev. (God
Almighty, to think he was running for Preseident) TV Evangelist
phoney, Pat Robertson-----will, through no fault of their own all
be going to Hell. God is not fooled by them.
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- The
Pope makes Saints. To become a Saint you have to submit an
application but it takes about a hundred years to get approved and
you have to prove you performed a miracle, not just a card trick,
but a real miracle. If you become a Saint people will pray to you
and ask you for favors, just like lobbyists do to President Bush
and to Congressmen and Senators. It’s the same type of system
except that Saints usually don’t grant you your request. If you
pay a Senator enough money he will grant you your request.
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- The
present (now departed) Pope was Pope John II. His main function
was to wave at crowds from a window. Every 20 years he would write
a pamphlet called an Encyclical that states that “nothing in the
world should change”. The people usually hail it as a masterpiece
of progressive religious legislation. When famous people come to
Rome they get to meet with the Pope and get their picture taken
with him. Some of them kiss his ring. He blesses them. And off
they go. The rest of the millions upon millions of people that
travel from all over the world to see God’s main spokesperson get
a wave. Sometimes he ventures out in his Popemobile That is a
special mini-van with bullet proof windows so no one can kill him.
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- If you
don’t do what God and the Pope says than you get to go to Hell.
All Protestants automatically go to Hell according to the Pope and
the teachings of the Catholic Church. Jews killed Jesus even
though Jesus Himself was a Jew, so Jews are goners. Muslims are
some kind of aberration. In eleven years of Catholic education I
never even knew what a Muslim was. They were Arabs, in robes, that
rode on camels in the desert for no apparent reason. All citizens
of Africa will go to Hell because they are Pagans.
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- Hell is
a busy place. God may be loving, but He has a very quick temper.
One curse word, one impure, lustful thought, one unrepressed
sexual urge in an unmarried state, one lingering doubt about
Jesus------all these things can land you in Hell and probably
will.
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- I
certainly don’t want to alarm you but Hell is probably your
destiny. It’s hot there. Picture the worst hot flash you have ever
had and multiply it by 1000. Everyone you hate is there. Picture a
party where all the people that you detest, despise and hate the
most are all crammed into one big auditorium, with no ventilation,
and everyone is yelling and screaming and sweating----and you are
right in the middle. There are no chairs. No doors or windows. No
food, no water and no cell phones. And all the toilets are backed
up. And you are stuck there for life. That’s Hell.
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- All the
praying and all the church-going and all the last minute remorse
is not going to save you. Changing your life is not going to save
you. Begging for forgiveness is not going to save you. God is all
wrathful. God is all just. And God is out to get you. You can run,
but you can’t hide. HE knows you did it. And don’t try to tell him
you didn’t. He keeps detailed records on your life. You can’t BS
Him. He has the evidence. You can’t get away.
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- The
only people in Heaven are the Saints, so good luck. Most of the
Popes are in Heaven too and that is where they continue to wave to
all the people in Hell. Its rewarding. The Catholic Church is the
richest single entity on the face of the earth. It is richer than
the U.S Federal Government. No one knows who actually collects all
the money, how it gets to Rome, or what the money is spent on.
Much of it has been spent on legal defenses for priests from
Boston for preying upon (not praying upon) young boys. Once the
Pope apologized for 5000 priests that molested young innocent
boys. That was a nice gesture because 5000 pedophiles is a lot of
pedophiles.
Of course, the whole story about
Creationism and Evolution got out of hand, which is where we are
today. There are more than 12 different versions of the Bible all
claiming to be the one true version. There are more than 25
versions of the 10 Commandments all claiming to be the one and
only true version of the 10 Commandments. This is good because it
gives one a lot of choices. Of course, the wrong choice will get
you straight into Hell.
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- Can you
believe all this happened in 6000 years. The Great Pyramids were
built only 5000 years ago. It’s all so incredible. It’s all proof
that there is a God. HE’s probably monitoring your emails right
now.
And that's where the story ends of how God
created the world. It's called Creationism.
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- Most
people who believe in Creationism suffer from cretinism and are
called Cretins. It is a form of Christianity. It is in the
Webster’s New World Dictionary.
Here's another one: Once upon a time there
was a little girl named Goldilocks. She lived in the woods in a
cabin with her Grandmother. In a nearby cabin lived some bears
that ate porridge everyday. A papa bear, momma bear, and 3 baby
bears. No wait. It was a big bad wolf that lived nearby; and the
wolf was hiding behind a tree dressed as Goldilocks grandmother.
That's it. And the big, bad wolf actually tied the little, old
grandmother up, taped her mouth shut and shoved her in the closet.
Then he took the grandmothers dress, put her stockings on, and an
old wig he found on the dresser. Then the wolf hopped in bed and
hid under the covers. Goldilocks came in and the big, bad wolf
said, “Hi, Goldilocks, I’m your grandmother”; to which Goldilocks
replied, “Yeah, and I’m the Blessed Virgin Mary. Now, get the
f---- out of the bed and get the hell out of my house.” The wolf
was a cross dresser; and a damned good one because Goldilocks
almost thought the wolf was really her grandmother at first
and......................…………………………….they lived happily ever
after.
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Matthew: Psalm IV: Verse 24 from the Book of Creationism.
- Luke:
Psalm VXI: Verse 63 from the Book of Ludicrous.
-
-
Footnote: In the Bible, the word used for the pee pee was
originally “the doodle” however, through the centuries “doodle”
came to represent a word of vulgarity, hence, “doodle” is never,
ever allowed---not in any version of the Bible and not even on TV
during prime time hours.
-
-
Conclusion:
Evolution can be proven because in the year 2000 we have
electrical sockets and plugs called "the male plug" and "the
female socket". These two items which can be purchased in any
local Ace Hardware Store, evolved from Adam and Eve themselves. It
is direct proof that the wee wee and the pee pee that God Himself
designed and created at the time of Creationism eventually evolved
through the process of Evolution into the modern day electrical
apparatus. Also, when the male electrical plug is inserted into
the female electrical socket a completed electrical circuit is
completed resulting in the “birth” of an electrical current. So,
the next time you are at Home Depot ask the clerk "can you tell
me where I would find the pee pee and the wee wee" and they will
know exactly what you are talking about. So help me God !
-
- James
Boyne
dboyne@aol.com James Boyne is a regular contributor of
opednews.com and his many article can be read on this web site.
- This article is copyright by
James Boyne, originally published in
OpEdNews.com but permission is granted for reprint in print,
email, blog, or web media if this entire credit paragraph is
attached
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