DUBIOUS, the WMD SUIT

Once upon an early century time (as viewed by those who are eminently possessed of 20/20 HINDsight), there was an "emperor" whose abilities with thinking complex thoughts and causal relationships and most especially with learning the important lessons of history were all notably compromised at best and generally missing.

The emperor's name, it can now be divulged, was George Dubious Botch who, during all waking hours and some dreaming ones, held in his mind the favorite notion that he was always right, right, right; and anyone who suggested otherwise was fair game for excoriation (a word entirely foreign to Dubious--"justifiable attack" was, shall we say, a much more comfortable term). In fact and indeed his political party was often referred to as the GAP (Grand Arrogant Party) because of its stubborn conviction regarding its own goodness, morality, probity, rectitude, cosmic virtue, and chosen of God status. Moreover, George Dubious believed in his very heart (as well as his spleen) that his principle adVICEer, and VICE Emperor, Richard of the Chains, being a long-time adherent to said party, was one who could do no wrong (irrespective of his talent for cynical dishonesty) and one who (partly due to a notably superior ability with language and ad-lib speech) surely had good ideas besides. [Editor's comment: Holding the title of "VICE --", seemed somehow to be so poetically correct.]

And so, mainly on the advice of Richard (who often brooked no scruple to reward his obscenely wealthy corporate cronies), HELPED as well by the thoughts of another "good idea" guy Carl Meander, it came to pass that a quirky "let's have ourselves a war" idea (titled "The IrackMYbrain War") was decided upon, one that could benefit inordinately the exorbitantly rich (as well as the very wealthy); AND one that sought to rectumfy what Dubious thought of as "some unfinished business" when his daddy was emperor.

[This gets a little convoluted here, but try to follow along.] Dubious, you see, had always had problems "PLEASING" his daddy, and so he saw this opportunity as a sure-fire means to set things aright by professing to hate dictator Sadman Who'sInsane?, the emperor, of IrackMYbrain (that other empire). Well, he knew a ruthless dictator when he saw one even though it was a guy who hadn't actually committed any hostile act against Dubious' empire. Oh, well.

"But," cautioned Carl, "We really don't have what would be considered a justification for starting such a war. We need to look for one." Just then, the empire suffered a TERRIBLE TERRORIST attack from a completely different organization that called themselves the "All-MisGUIDA Terror is Who We Are" group. What actually happened was a rather small cadre from All-MisGUIDA destroyed some very very very important buildings and killed many citizens in the empire. "Ah-HAH!" exclaimed Carl. "This can be your cue. If you'll first go squash All-MisGUIDA, you can follow that up by going to have your other war. Just be sure to also blame Sadman for this TERRIBLE TERRORIST attack first." Dubious smiled an "I'm gonna have so much fun" smile. And Richard of the Chains chortled a very opportunistic chortle.

Now among those who were certainly well positioned to reap the benefits of such a war due to a windfall war materials and resupply no-bid contract BIG money profits deluge, (one, by the way, who liked to lisp "My Emperor is always right, right, right") was a GENERAL CONTRACTOR and clothier named Hal E. Burton who pledged to the emperor that he would design and donate to the emperor (and thereby to the entire empire) a wondrous and splendiferous new set of clothes. Hal fondly called his new suit design THE WMD SUIT (which stood for "We Must Deceive"). The threads of this suit were to be SO phenomenal, SO expensive, SO overwhelming, SO popular and SO invaluable (which is the same thing as "VALUABLE") as to be completely invisible (a clever PR ruse calculated to scare the hell out of everyone and simultaneously thwart quite a few naysayers who saw the IrackMYbrain war as . . . well,. . . brainless.).

Well, . . . time . . . passed, as time is frequently wont to do, and at length the suit was ready. Dubious was thrilled! "Goodie! GOODIE!", he exclaimed at a senior staff meeting. He then followed that by PROCLAIMING to the ENTIRE EMPIRE, "That bad old guy, Sadman, is a TERRIBLE TERRORIST and wants to rain on our parade. Not only was he sorta responsible for the TERRIBLE TERRORIST attack, but he's also planning on worser things like raining "We Must Deceive" stuff on our parade. Which reminds me OH, guess what!

We're gonna defend ourselves by starting a war that, ACCORDING TO OUR BIG defense guy, Donaldo Rumfilled, will be over before you know it. AND . . . there's gonna be a parade! YEP!!! I'm gonna wear this new, beautiful and pretty suit for ALL TO SEE and admire; and, guess what else: the parade route will symbolize my famous 'Turn the corner and win the war' theme: we're gonna go around and around the same city block. [Giggle.] That was MY idea."

Soon the day for the parade arrived, and true to his "right, right, right" word, there was Emperor Dubious riding along IN PLAIN VIEW proudly sporting his phenomenal, remarkable, unique (albeit invisible) new WMD suit, occasionally standing and turning to wave to all who lined the route. Media, both national and international, were there to pundit (and PUNNED it they did: some calling the suit ... I GUESS it was in reference to the suit: "Much ado about nothing").

Members of the GAP party, on the other hand, spoke of its wondrously natural and necessary fashion and even, as George Botch himself characterized it, "an absolutely perfect fit with wonDERous color." Opponents, however, took a different view ("DIM" I think we could say). In fact, they were SUITably chagrined and (EXCEPT for a few jokers in the crowd who sang "Happy Birthday"), it's not too much overstatement to add, downright embarrassed, as well as saddened by the cost.

Members of the GAP party made sure to repeatedly extend their "heartfelt acclaim", however; effusively and endlessly adding their exaggerated extolment. And Dubious was so proud! OH, SO proud!!! After all, wasn't that AWE he observed on the faces in the crowd?
[to be continued. The WAR, not the story.]