Having always been forthright, open, honest and proof-giving, George Bush, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales have consistently proven that they are and were not only excellent leaders, but a step beyond mere excellence...they are leaders par excellence in the field of government and politics.

Without qualification, Bill O'Reilly is of equal repute in the field of open and always honest talk radio and factual reporting.  Over the years and most recently O'Reilly has been a glittering example that reflects the openness, honesty, fair and balanced reporting set by his employer, Fox News.

Who could ask for more?  A man who allows free and open discussion, even with those who disagree with him.  After opening his radio show with a recap of truthful news reports, O'Reilly throws open the "lines apoppin" to callers whom he never calls names or is disagreeable with.  Showing ultimate patience, he allows them unlimited time to express their opinions, no matter what the are.

Of course, in spite of their protestation of incontrovertible truth that they are the opposite of these extolled virtues, these stellar paragons of truth, justice and liberty for all, George Bush, who condones torture in the name of his holy grail of national security; Dick Cheney, who seconds the motion; and  Gonzales, who wrote the torture memos and his break-the-Constitution flunkies, who helped write every legal trick to circumvent U.S. and international law have volunteered to put their pain where their convictions are.

Each is vying for top billing on a new pay-per-view show, "It Ain't Torture Til I Say It Is."

Appearing first on the bill is Bill-O.  On his radio show Monday morning, O'Reilly hosted two "experts" who extolled the virtues of and effectiveness of torture.  Their view is, of course, in direct opposition to those who say torture doesn't work.

If as they say, torture works, and as Bush has said, our "interrogation techniques" have saved American lives and stopped terrorists' plots:  We say let them prove it!  They say they will prove it on TV for all to see.

Let's assume again that torture works as O'Reilly and his minions would have us believe.  Bill-O said that "head-slapping" bothers him a little.  Maybe a good slap up-side his head would bother him a lot.  And, Bill, what do you think that "head slap" constitutes? 

A little open-handed head-slap like Mark Harmon's character on "N.C.I.S." uses to show his disapproval of the actions of his underlings?  It bothers me just to watch it, and I wish his character would knock it off, or someone head-slap him a few times.

Does a head-slap mean using a brass-knuckled glove, or a Bush fraternity paddle, Barry Bond's bat, a carpenter's board?  What?  You didn't think it through!

Bill-O also doesn't think waterboarding, loud music, extremes of hot and cold are torture.

First waterboarding.  Bill, have you ever accidently gotten water up your nose, like with Vinnie Barbarino's rubber hose, or diving in a pool.  It doesn't hurt much, does it?

Maybe Bill's waterboarding friends must have gotten the idea from our ancestors at Salem.  They thought waterboarding or "dunking" as they quaintly called it, would prove if someone were a witch or a warlock.  Fun group of people those Puritans.

"Witch," "witch" was "witch"?  I don't remember if float or sink meant witch or straight person.  It doesn't matter.  The suspect drowned and NONE of them were witches or warlocks.

We're not talking a little water up the nose; it's enough water to make the victim think he's DROWNING.  You say you wouldn't mind a sip, Bill.  Good, because I'll love to seeing you try on the premeire episode of "It Ain't Torture Til I Say It Is."  Maybe you'd like to be tasered, too, just for the fun of it.  They could taser you while your're submerged and kill you with two tortures at once.

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