Breaking News from FOXX News: Yet Another bin Laden Tape

Osama bin Laden on video again as rutting season approaches 

It has been noted that bin Laden's appearance has changed markedly since his last appearance several days ago, when he surprised officials by sporting a full black beard, which suggests that he has either reversed the aging process or accepted an advertising contract to promote Grecian Formula 16. CIA officials were quick to point out that in Arabic culture, which enshrines youthful good looks and has created a virtual cottage industry of beard-dyeing parlors where one can even get beard perms, rat-tails, sauna-baths and full body-hair shaves, no self-respecting village elder or chieftain would dare be caught dead with a streak of grey hair in his beard. So bin Laden, they speculate, has simply been trying to keep up with fashion dictates.

But the appearance this time of antlers sprouting from bin Laden's head has caused some consternation among several news anchors, even though a senior U.S. intelligence official has told FOXX News that "initial technical analysis once again suggests that the voice on the tape is really bin Laden." A Department of Fish and Wildlife official explained it this way: "You have to realize that in the harsh, mountainous terrain along the Pakistani-Afghan border where bin Laden is reported to be hiding, he has had to adapt dramatically to his challenging environment, so this sudden growth of antlers is not surprising. This would also account for his newly flared nostrils and thick coat of hair."

As for his beard changing color once again, this time from black to brown, this same official added that, "We see similar, dramatic chameleon-like, color pigmentation changes in octopuses in response to threats to their environment, so Osama's ability to change beard color in the space of a few days only underscores his own considerable capability to adapt in a predatory environment."

But a State Department official rejected this analysis, explaining that obviously bin Laden, undoubtedly trying to enlist punk rockers around the world in his Jihad against us, has simply moussed and dyed his beard and hair in an outlandish, but intriguing sculpture that is sure to win him both admirers and recruits among punkers. For his part, bin Laden certainly played up the need of the world's rebellious youth to "find a creative outlet for your rage against the degenerate Crusader West by taking up the sword of Allah against the Zionist oppressor and his lackeys."

FOXX News has been monitoring the first reports of news anchors and reporters across the country on this latest bin Laden tape and can state that, after some initial skepticism as to the veracity of the new tape, they have almost universally accepted the tape as genuine after being reassured by the government. The White House, which was once again able to obtain an advance copy of the tape through the aegis of the Sleight Institute, also confirmed the authenticity of the tape, accepting the Department of Fish and Wildlife's explanation.

FOXX News has made available a full transcript of the newest been Haden videotape.