Leading With Love. What Training My Dogs Taught Me About Working With Children. by Jude Acosta, author The Next Osama (Jodere, 2006) and The Worst Is Over (2002)
I'd just finished a particularly grueling two-hour session with a family and an 8-year-old boy who was defiant, angry and acting out with abandon. Everyone was frustrated-the parents, the children, the teachers. And by the end of the session, so was I. I left the school and went outside to sit by the ball field and clear my head. I'm missing something, I thought when I noticed a young man with a large dog in the corner of the field. The dog would sit, wait, then with a single hand motion from the young man, jump and sit down again. That dog's eyes never left the young man as he waited for his next cue. That's it. That's the look in that child's eyes...Tell me what to do. Teach me how to do it. I'm clueless. And no one was teaching him. All we were doing was talking about everything that he was doing wrong and asking him to come up with a solution.
From that point on, I was on a mission. I rescued two large dogs-both willful, strong, and quirky-and set myself to training them. What I've learned from them has forever changed my work and helped countless families. What it requires of us to train dogs are the same qualities we need to be effective parents.
P.A.R.C.-Positivism, Authority, Realism, Consistency and Clarity
Positivism
When parents complain about their children or bring their children in for treatment, usually early on in the process of creating a behavior modification plan I ask them to write me a list of the behaviors they'd like to see. One list I got from Marcia (*name and details changed) was pretty typical:
Leave without cleaning room – they get docked for one night. Talking back – sent to their room. Starting a fight with her brother – no telephone.
I asked her, What would you like to see them do INSTEAD? She had no ready answers. She had become so accustomed to yelling at them for what they'd failed to do or done wrong, it was hard to unravel the "nots" in her head so that we could rephrase the behaviors positively.
Dogs clearly do not understand "nots." If they hear you say, don't sit, all they get is: sit. Humans are no different, especially when we're upset, scared, nervous, or angry. Consider this:
Don't think of a beach. Not the sand between your toes or the sound of the waves rhythmically crashing up against the shore, not the call of seagulls as they fight over scraps of food, nor the heat of the sun on your shoulders as you walk into the water. Don't think of a beach. Anything but a beach.
What did you think of?
Keep your goals clear and positive. Know what you want your children to DO, not just what you want them NOT to do. The more you repeat the negative, the more that image will come up in their minds. What we expect tends to be realized. Both in our world and in our children's.
Authority
When I got my first dog, Angie, I quickly realized I'd have to go to a professional handler for help. Angie is an 85-pound mix (Malamute, Chow, and Flat Coat Retriever) who looks (and sometimes acts) like a black wolf. She was and still is a formidable dog – fiercely protective and highly dog aggressive. When I got her from a colleague, she was exceedingly ill, neglected, untrained, and high-strung. Needless to say, I had not been given any warning. So, when I found out what I had signed up for, it was too late to back out. I had already fallen in love.
The pivotal moment came in a park, my second or third day out with her, when another dog (off lead, of course) approached us and she went wild, dragging me half way down a dirt path, yanking a ligament along the way. The other dog tore off into the woods and I limped home.
Nancy and Emma, partners and professional dog handlers at People Training For Dogs in Rockland County, N.Y., heard the story and saw my limp. They also watched Angie's behavior when another dog was brought near her. Nancy explained the incident in the park: She thought she was the boss. She was protecting you. In the absence of authority, she assumes control. You have to become her Alpha.
Nature abhors a vacuum. So do children. When parents do not provide authority, children assume the dominant position. It is not necessarily a bad thing. It is survival. Someone has to be in control.
J. Acosta is a writer and practicing clinical psychotherapist. She has written two books: THE WORST IS OVER (2002, Jodere) and THE NEXT OSAMA (2006). Her third is due to come out some time next year and she is currently in the middle of her fourth.
She has her practice in New Mexico with her canine therapeutic assistants. She has worked with anxiety and fear in patients for twenty years. She has watched it, felt it, wrote about it, and helped heal people from it. As a result, she has learned a few things about fear, particularly that growing epidemic she calls VIRAL FEAR.
The whole alpha thing is a myth and in many cases destructive to our relationships with dogs. Learn a more effective, collaborative and compassionate way of training at TTouch.com.
by
Honest Human (3 articles, 1 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 3 comments)
on Thursday, January 11, 2007 at 5:31:57 PM
Ok, you win......I went to the ttouch site, and might even read some of it. I must say though that I enjoyed this article and found it very reasonable, and common sensecle (that's my word)....anyway, I sent this article around the internet to the best of my ability, and would like to thank the author for sharing her insight. I love both dogs, and children.....like the author said, that's where the unconditional love resides.
by
schreibe (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 1 comments)
on Friday, January 12, 2007 at 5:26:31 AM
I am most happy to be called reasonable. As the first comment makes clear, this is a controversial topic (although one wonders why). I try to understand it and present it in a very understandable and livable way so neither people nor dogs have to pretend to be what they are not.
As far as there not being "alphas" -- let's define terms. "Dominance" does not have to mean brutality or meanness of spirit. In fact, a true authority is quite the opposite. And I can't imagine how anyone can deny that authority is either necessary or factual -- it is fairly self-evident in ALL social animals, humans included.
Is there a better way? I'm sure when God Himself cleans us up, there will be. But until then, we're stuck with this thing called "nature" and I expect we'll have to abide by her terms.
I've never seen a child not respond to benevolent authority. Never. Even in disabled, emotionally disturbed children authority that is kind and sincere is recognized and received. I've worked with children for nearly twenty years as a social worker and the most common mistake teachers and parents make is going to the extremes -- either they do equate authority with dominance and become harsh or they try to be "friends." There's nothing that will get you to lose control of a classroom quicker than either of those two positions.
I've also worked at a wolf sanctuary as a vounteer. If you don't believe there are alphas, spend some time watching them. It's not always pretty, but it's the way things seem to work, for better or ill.
Anyway, thank you both for your comments.
Jude Acosta
www.wordsaremedicine.com
author, The Next Osama (2006) and The Worst is Over (2002)
by
JAcosta (15 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 9 comments)
on Friday, January 12, 2007 at 7:34:46 AM
3 comments
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