(To the reader:
I respectfully request that the information I am about to reveal be concealed from my mother-in-law. The therapeutic value of these procedures would be inordinately compromised by such revelation.)
Sometimes my mother-in-law doesn't feel good, and it can persist for days. Usually she says she's in pain. So eventually, we pack her up and go to the ER. The doctor asks, "Where does it hurt?" and many other questions, and performs several diagnostic tests, but the malady remains stubbornly unspecified. She almost seems to be channeling the pharmaceutical companies that invent new ailments in order to sell new drugs.
So finally my wife, who has witnessed this behavior for lo, these many years, takes the doctor aside and they whisper among themselves and Eureka!-- a diagnosis is made. My wife's theory is, when Ma creates a new disease, the best thing is simply to invent a new cure. Following the conference, the doc gives Ma an injection of water (probably saline, but what do I know?) Ma perks right up, says she feels better almost immediately and we can all go home.
The reason I'm telling this story is the current controversy over the President's policies. From health care to Afghanistan, new depths of hate and fear are emitting from some of the body public. But, finally, science has begun to penetrate the mystery of these emotions and the substance of the ignorance exhibited thereby.
MRI scans have revealed lobes on the amygdala which, responding to experimental injections of stem cells, appear to modify symptoms of hate and fear. These new regions have been designated the prevaricon and the trepidigma.
The prevaricon appears to function as a sort of medieval shield whose major function appears to be the concealment of blank areas awaiting information. Within the prevaricon, neurons possess that same unopened look as infant brains or new CD's. Yet, ironically, the prevaricon stimulates enormous expenditures of energy in order to protect itself from discovery.
Shouting, threats, sign-waving, and general belligerence have been observed when the prevaricon was stimulated by the threat of either new information or the revelation of the depths of ignorance, some of which appear to penetrate back to the Jurassic.
Computerized Axial Tomography, or CAT scans have shown activity in the trepidigma roughly parallel with stimulation of the prevaricon. When activity peaks in the trepidigma, it is invariably in the presence of correspondent threats to the prevaricon, and vice-versa.
Parallel investigations have shown some correlation to the so-called Cheney Disease, which has enhanced forever the scope of the term "vice" referent to government office. In historical fact, some practitioners have begun to employ the term as "vise" in respect of the tools of their respective trades. It is unnecessary to observe that Vice President and Vise President do not conflict in meanings with respect to recent events, but we try to be comprehensive.
On Feb. 31, 2009, experimental trials of one thousand volunteers were concluded that show a cure is now possible for the epidemic spread of these symptoms. When the subject organs were injected with stem cells from human donors with Native American and African ancestry, the symptoms disappeared.
Whether the test subjects were simply inbred or had been affected by exposure to lead compounds in gasoline remains to be ascertained.
However, from the evidence presented by these trials, it can be positively stated that the test subjects, all of whom were registered Republican voters, are examples of an evolutionary dead end, extant at the pinpoint end of viability, and so overcome by their exposure to these symptoms as to be untreatable by any other prophylactic measure.
Parenthetically, prophylactics were indicated in the presence of the threat of further procreation. This vestigial tail of human evolution has no clear future or use and has been designated by the World Healthiness Organization as, in the absence of therapeutic measures, nearing total extinction.