used with permission: www.whatnowtoons.com
Working as both mirror and impetus to our deranged discourse, the rightwing primary continues to bless us with stunning revelations worth every single cringe-worthy moment. And this eye-popping field sets the record, establishing new redneck standards. Why, I can't recall so many obvious freaks in one party since, knee-high to a grasshopper, I wandered through my first, weird-smelling Ringling. Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus.
Who of us will ever forget this French guillotine of a primary, as inept jesters instantly rise up only to get beheaded, like sacrificial winners of those prehistoric ball games? And it's not over, though I soulfully regret Michele Bachmann "stepping aside" and Rick Perry's looming departure. Perry's never-say-die doggedness harkens to his brave Alamo forebears -- except they were skilled warriors who could shoot straight. Okay, the buffoons are exiting faster than falling bricks, but there are still loony Texans plus two nasty goons (Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum) on the prowl.
Let's tabulate the dividends paid so far, though readers will add more before Mitt Romney wins a reluctant coronation (and if not, all hell will break lose -- yum, yum).
1) The Vast Rightwing Pandering Machine (VRPM) appears bottomless, brazenly throwing mud in every direction. The more outrageous the lies, the more hayseeds swallow it. Could we truly end up with Wall Street-loving Obama (cast as "socialist destroyer of America") vs. the Wall Street-loving Romney (cast as the evil "vulture capitalist")? Be still, my beating heart.
2) The Tea Party base, a study in perpetual bewilderment, shines forth its perplexity compounded by multiple personality disorders. What else explains its desperate lurch from one shiny surface to the next, darting like hysterical fish in too small a bowl?
3) Remember Ratatouille's motto, "anyone can cook"? This band of boobs proves "anyone can run" -- put out enough cash, ego, celebrity or gall and the media hobnobs.
4) Former suckers to Palin, Trump, Bachmann, Cain, and Perry, the base now cheers on Santorum AND Gingrich AND Ron Paul -- joining the "government stinks" Bush-lite crowd headlined by the infinitely adjustable Romney.
5) Paul proves, especially for naive youngsters, that half-a-candidate sounds better than none, or doubled-downed pettifoggers. Alas, to learn the Moralistic Majority still favors bombing Iran to peace and Social Security/Medicare to libertarian dreams of "free-market freedoms."
6) Rethug bigwigs still rule, letting has-beens and losers propel mock drama (and the illusion of public choice) while safely going with Romney. Who says the fringe isn't tolerant and open-minded? Why, judging by Newt's status, they disqualify entrants only with jail time, felonies or non-Biblical sexual encounters.
7) Perry died on the vine because it takes no brains to understand "dumber than W." just won't wash. Here, here for high standards.
8) That Trump and Cain -- fraudulent political non-entities -- lasted more than 15 minutes evinces not just stunning stupidity about what presidents do, but how much damage a compromised scam artist can do in no time.
9) If your frontrunner is a plastic, inauthentic automaton, make him look heroic by contrast with the least appealing gang ever to run. Spice up the melodrama, even comic relief, when your lead character is devoid of personality, charisma, or solutions.
10) Rightwing candidates are incorrigible deceivers if they believe their own cartoon logic that rich people 1) create good jobs with spare change; 2) alone earned all their millions; and 3) daringly overcame untold obstacles that liberals forced in their way.
Throw in your two cents. I take solace when a free TV series fully dramatizes the capricious obtuseness of a major party. What reality show, not heavy with satire, would dare try the whack-a-mole plot from Trump through Santorum? We snarling satirists, for one thing, now have to modify our stereotype that the rigid GOP base is stuck in its ways. What, that clueless, spinning mass desperate for the perfect messiah is flexible enough to accept Romney the Mediocre. Let's not rule out rumors of late entries, like that dubious buzz Sarah Palin could throw in (or up) her hairball into the ring. That would top it, with her tall tales full sound of fury, signifying nothing.
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